Every Single Personality Type on 'Come Dine With Me'

In Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard’s genre-bending movie The Cabin In The Woods, the two writers exploit the character tropes of teenagers in horror: The Athlete, The Whore, The Scholar, The Fool and The Virgin. In the world of the film, a group of five teens roughly fitting these archetypes must be ritually sacrificed every year. I mention this because Channel 4’s Come Dine With Me works in the exact same way.

I know the amateur chefs who grace our tellies five days a week as they scramble about to cook their way to a grand don’t tend to end up gorily dismembered, but the archetype rules apply scarily similarly. The casting directors have a tried and tested formula: bring together five wildly different personalities and force them to eat each other’s food for a week. I first noticed this late last year, when I tweeted about it, and recently, the matter went viral yet again.

After studying this area for some time, I come to you with a list of the seven character archetypes that the producers of CDWM definitely (probably) use when casting the teatime slot megahit:

Kicking it all off with a real staple: it isn’t an episode of Come Dine With Me without a sniping old queen rooting through a stranger’s wardrobe and critiquing a two-piece. There’s a reason this archetype crops up in almost every group of amateur dinner party hosts: the middle-aged gay brings a familiar warmth, served on the side of bitchy throwaway remarks directed at disappointing starters.

When it’s his turn to host, you best believe we’re having a fancy dress theme night – usually centred around divas or the 80s – and if anyone even tries to wiggle out of arriving in anything less than drag they’re getting raked across the coals. He gave a fancy name to his main on the menu but it turns out to just be a casserole. Probably won’t win but he’s always good telly guaranteed. 

Or: full-blown Tory Facebook wine memes Karen vibes. Spends the whole week telling people off and muttering about what topics are appropriate for dinner party conversations without ever actually bringing any topics to the table herself. A lot of tutting and bragging about other people’s cooking not being up to the standard of food she “enjoys” normally. Resides in a big house full of crushed velvet sofas, mirrored chests of drawers and end tables that she’s absolutely fuming she had to let strangers sit on and root through.

Always dolled up in her finest Debenhams sensible heels and probably sells Avon when not cooking, just for something to do. Will never, ever score anyone higher than a six because she wants her bang average prawn cocktail to nab her the grand.

Approaches the competition with that level of confidence that only mediocre straight white men are capable of possessing, despite only ever cooking a bit of tapas for the footie lads once after the pub shut. This archetype has never won – he has merely existed among the pack. His house has not a vase, picture frame or even a TK Maxx rip-off Yankee Candle in sight.

Rustles up soup to start and gets a slagging off for using shop-bought bread rolls. Never scores higher than a five as his entertainment is making all the guests do a keepy-uppy contest.

“Stirloin steak? Stirloin? In a restaurant you’d have it on a plank, wouldn’t you? I think!”

Underestimated for the full five days, then pulls out a Michelin-starred meal on the Friday and wins the lot. Everyone gobsmacked, even though this person is quietly confident all week and clearly has a good knowledge of food and cooking. Has the energy of the lead character in a romance film where they take their glasses off and the romantic lead realises they’ve been gorgeous the whole time, only here it’s that a bunch of strangers realise that they’re an amazing cook, having just snatched £1,000 from their grasp.

Otherwise known as the one that the producers encourage to pretend that they’re good mates with the local butcher. Gives off the illusion that they couldn’t be arsed in the slightest with the shenanigans going on in the week, but actually have a heart of gold. A lot of the week is spent with their fellow competitors telling them things like “You’re a big softie really!”, “You’re actually a bit of a foodie, aren’t you?” and “Your cooking reminds me of my nan’s”.

Wears bright colours and has a house full of crystals and crochet. Voiceover man Dave Lamb just leathers her with digs throughout the week whenever she says something the slightest bit eccentric. Instantly a fan favourite but faces a load of disrespect from her competitors, as the middle-class mum archetype accuses her of having dirty plates.

She’s that quirky eccentric two doors down who always gave you weird sweets when you went trick or treating on Halloween. She gets her mate to come in and read everyone’s palms for the night’s entertainment and cooks something she found lurking in a Heston Blumenthal cookbook. An underrated queen, who literally never, ever wins the show because she dares to do a vegetarian main.