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Drugs

Some Facts About Schapelle Corby The Media Won’t Tell You

Here are some facts about Schapelle Corby that you can’t read anywhere else, except for those sites that copy content. You can probably read this on one of those.

by Lee Zachariah
Feb 11 2014, 2:12am


Image by Ben Thomson

The news has been saturated with Schapelle Corby’s parole, which is fantastic given everything else (immigration, environment, etc) is going wonderfully and so there’s no need to report on any of it.

And yet despite all of this news, there are still some key facts that the mainstream media won’t tell you. Here are some facts about Schapelle Corby that you can’t read anywhere else, except for those sites that copy content. You can probably read this on one of those.

1. Corby Thinks Highly Of Labor

Corby was sentenced to twenty years in jail back in 2005 during the height of John Howard’s Prime Ministership. She was released in 2014 during what we’re probably going to look back on as the height of the Tony Abbott Prime Ministership. She was therefore behind bars during the whole Kevin Rudd/Julia Gillard/oh no wait Kevin Rudd era, and so may be operating under the assumption that Labor is a credible political party.

This would make her unique amongst Australian citizens (including actual members of the Australian Labor Party), and Labor would be well served to seize upon this. Maybe get her to cast an early ballot in the 2016 election before she reads up on it. But instead of voting specifically for Bill Shorten, best leave it blank. Just in case.

Before anyone points out that Corby would have heard about the Labor debacles inside prison, you should remember that Australian news is often dominated by nonsense stories, like, say, wall-to-wall coverage of pretty drug smugglers getting parole, so she may well have missed it.

2. Corby Is Protected By the Laws of Double Jeopardy

According to Wikipedia, the law of Double Jeapordy is “Page Not Found. Did you mean "Double Jeopardy"?”.

Double Jeopardy refers to the law common in many countries that forbids the state from being tried on an identical or similar charge for a crime you’ve already been acquitted or convicted upon.

What does this mean for Corby? Well, she can load up her boogie board, surf board, snow board or parole board with marijuana and carry them happily into Indonesia whenever she wants. They can’t arrest her, because she’s already served her sentence for that exact crime.

She can also kill Ashley Judd’s husband.

3. She’s Been Out For Years

A startling new book from Eamonn Duff will allege that Schapelle Corby escaped in early 2012 by tunnelling out behind a poster of Scarface. The alarm was not raised due to Chris Lilley taking her place, the footage of which will form the spine of ABC’s forthcoming Sha’pelle: Balinese Prison Grrl!.

4. The Ol’ Switcheroo

Since Corby’s imprisonment, the issue of cannabis legalisation has taken off in the USA, with states such as Colorado and Washington allowing citizens to toke up without the pretence of having glaucoma.

Meanwhile, authorities in Perth have begun culling sharks, in response to allegations that they “live in the ocean”. This cull has such broad scope it will likely include taking out surfers who kind-of look like sharks.

Consequently, if Schapelle Corby were to attempt travel again with a boogie board case filled with a boogie board and marijuana, it would be the boogie board that would get her into trouble rather than the marijuana, in what many legal experts are calling “a rather flimsy extrapolation of the initial premise”.

5. Life On Parole

Schapelle has been released under strict parole conditions:

- A total ban on importing marijuana in her boogie board case. This means she may import it through other means (taped to cats, hidden in pool tables, fashioned into the shape of a Bratz doll). Her boogie board case can only be used for heroin, cocaine, etc.

- Stop doing that towel-over-the-face thing, especially if re-arrested and police have to work out who is who.

- Must adopt a less silly name, like “Sarah” or “Samantha” or “Kochie”.

- No Downton Abbey spoilers.

- Future biopics must feature a higher-profile actress in the role of Schapelle. Judges have suggested Emily Browning, Rose Byrne or Teresa Palmer.

She will not be allowed to return to Australia for the time being, and will instead stay with her sister Mercedes, who was forced to move to Bali due to the collapse of the Australian car industry.

6. Fear and Loathing In Denpasar

Schapelle was somewhere around Bali, on the edge of the sea, when the drugs began to take hold. She remembered saying something like, “I feel a bit lightheaded, maybe you should boogie”. And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like bad journalists, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car. And a voice was screaming, “Holy Jesus, what are these goddamn animals?”
 

Follow Lee on Twitter: @leezachariah