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I Asked a Psychic to Take Over My Tinder and Find Me Love

There's no real telling if you're chatting to a nice guy or a bona fide sociopath, so I went looking for a little guidance.

A Psychic Rose by any other name… All images by the author.

On Tinder, there's really no telling if Max, 27 (the accountant that studied with your Facebook friend Dani who you met at that party one time) is a genuinely nice guy or just a psychopath.

So you chat for a few days about what each other does, where each other lives, what movie to watch tonight. If you're lucky you may have exchanged Snapchat usernames to see if he's real. What's deliberately been avoided is why either of you are on Tinder and any suggestion to meet up.

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That's because neither of you know if the other person is actually cool. Don't you just wish you had some spiritual intuition to tell you? So for this reason, and because it's Tinder's third year anniversary this week, I booked a session with love specialist Psychic Rose, who very kindly agreed to guide me in the right direction.

The ol' middle finger swipe of a Tinder veteran.

The plan was for her to have a go at swiping, but she ended up (it happens to the best of us) just liking the hot ones. So I asked her if she could give me the green light on my recent matches instead.

Bryan*, 25

Bryan listed Diocesan School for Girls as his education, which Psychic Rose found very hilarious indeed. She described him as adventurous and "on a journey," but too immature right now for me to spend my life with.

He did have long hair and many pictures on yachts, which seemed to back up both of these claims. Good call, Psychic Rose, dodged the Bryan bullet.

Patrick*, 25

Psychic Rose found Patrick, an art curator, very appealing with just the right amount of culture to "challenge me." Patrick also super liked me, which Psychic Rose said she might have predicted. However she said that even though he wants a relationship, he's "battlescarred" which means he would be uncertain of me.

In reviewing Patrick's profile, Psychic Rose decided that a serious relationship is definitely not what I need, so we reset our priorities and began to look for "a bit of fun" (read: a non-dickish guy who is down to hang but won't catch feelings). Onwards.

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Angus*, 24

You know those guys that are super deep and intense and make you tell them your life story so you feel like you have a special connection and then you never hear from them again? According to Psychic Rose, that's Angus. I should've known from his bio "I make films and stuff, not porn I promise." What a ride!

Psychic Rose battles with my seriously fucked phone.

Rob*, 28

"Rob's a dude," began Psychic Rose and it did not get much better. He's also "fun" and we'd have a great night out but I wouldn't fall for him. He would be very "amorous" towards me, but he's a ladies man i.e. just down for the hook-up. Although Psychic Rose clarified that Rob would, in fact, respect me as an individual, I would ultimately overwhelm him, by just being me.

Chris*, 24

Chris's photos were like a visual CV. There was one of him kayaking, a cute selfie with a dog, a cowboy dress-up party pic, him in a suit giving a presentation and a graduation photo. Psychic Rose found him "inauthentic," I found myself wondering why I swiped right to begin with.

Matt*, 28

I mixed it up and asked about Matt, an older match who I'd got on well with and given my number to, only for him to text me with weekly gaps and it fizzled out entirely. Psychic Rose knew what was up straight away. "He's flaked off because there's someone else around him." Translation: homeboy's a straight up playa. I probably didn't need a psychic to tell me that.

No matter how many times I download Tinder, there always comes a specific point when I hit a wall. Coincidentally, at the very moment that I was feeling overwhelmingly bored with the whole thing, Psychic Rose chose to break the news that none of the guys she'd seen on Tinder were going to be a good love connection. She liked Patrick she said, but no one was really right. I agreed. She cited a lack of substance. Maybe that's true, but my total lack of motivation to judge, swipe, and message strangers was not doing my quest any favours.

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That doesn't necessarily make Tinder good or bad­—it's not like the app revolutionised dating these past three years by being globally despised—but perhaps the Tinderic process is just not something I'm cut out for. With this realisation I had to treat Tinder as what I really saw it as­—an ego boost, at the expense of some poor guys trying to find love or casual sex. I decided to voice this to Psychic Rose.

"I don't know, I just always feel bad about how judgmental I'm being."

"I know, but you have to be!" Psychic Rose replied.

Unfortunately that's very true, Psychic Rose, very true indeed.

If you'd like some one-on-one time with Psychic Rose, you can call her on (09) 489 1545 or email her at rose@psychicrose.co.nz.

Follow Beatrice on Twitter.