Nations of Asia, Surrender Your Girlfriends!

In case you have yet to notice, we have a bit of a predilection for following the habits of the young concert going, slightly nebbish white male that numerous internet studies have revealed to be in such sweeping abundance, that their ilk, and the spread of their condition, borders on becoming a full blown pandemic. And while we’re achieving some degree of success, with the most recent series of inoculations at Chunklet HQ, it’s still as important as ever to be aware of the habits of this particular type of vermin, in case you detect some of the early warning signs in a friend or loved one, or perhaps even yourself.

For instance, consider their mating habits. The average dorky trendsetter cannot settle for just any old strumpet off the street when selecting a companion to lock arms with in the back of a crowded venue. From the t-shirt on his pale portly body, to the music in his car he casually yet calculatedly lets seep out into the parking lot, everything about him is more or less a small advertisement to his cred. As a result, our typical Caucasian will inevitably be predisposed to selecting a mate out of the international section in the grocery store of love. Label it as a manifestation of white guilt if you must, but this inclusionary spirit does not exist without a special hierarchy in play. After all, all men may be created equal, but no one said anything about their girlfriends. So consider this as something of a handy guide to choosing the best racial flavor for maximizing your cool points.

Firstly, when making a more exotic selection of the girls from the many nations of the world, it would be difficult to ignore that the nation of Japan is not only the leading exporter of compact cars and high tech whathaveyous, but also the largest and greatest manufacturer of trendy girlfriends. Now, after years of daring research in the field, we are happy to confirm that your grandpap’s stories about things being sideways down there are (mostly) utterly baseless, but novelty is still a deciding factor in determining their dominance during our intercontinental voyage.

Perhaps too many young chaps were flipping through the pages of Fruits and mistakenly thought it was a mail order catalog, or maybe it has something to do with all these kids today growing up with anime (quick reminder: while chasing after Japanese girlfriends, you’ll be in direct competition with manga kids, but they’re mostly pushovers). But the pasty faced rock nerd’s obsession with Japanese gals has rather inauspicious beginnings in John Lennon’s relationship with Yoko Ono, which first put that particular nation’s arty women on the map. The more recent incarnations and their perceived desirability largely stem from the influence of Rivers Cuomo, who made these girls as much of a necessary accessory as the glasses he wears on his face. More than likely, it also has something to do with the small frames and delicate features of the Asian lass, which attracts the closet pedophile, who makes up roughly 90 percent of most rock concert-going males. And if you’re finding the women from the land of the rising sun to be in short supply, you can indeed look elsewhere in the Far East. But the rest of these ladies of the Orient fall in this pecking order: Korea, Viet Nam, Anywhere Else. (Of course taking into account the exception of China, anyone from there is just damaged goods.) Also, it’s important to note that one should never confuse the people of Asia, with anyone from the Pacific Islands, your Guams, Tongas, and Somoas, as their culture is just (barely) distinct enough, and their complexion just dark enough to place them in another category entirely.

Just a stone’s throw away from Asia (or if you want to get technical, simply another part of it), we could find yet another land of origin for your potential girlfriend in India, Pakistan, et cetera. And you’d even rack up a few bonus points if the girl happened to be a practicing Muslim. The trendiness of these darlings is directly proportional to the amount of interest people have in M.I.A. at the time (the fact that she’s from Sri Lanka seems to have little bearing on this), so plan accordingly. And if you manage to find one born and raised in England, with the accent and all, you may manage to impress your friends beyond the scope of what a Japanese girl could possibly deliver, although this will not have any effect on your indie cred tally, since officially speaking, they still rank far behind the rest of Asia. Although if you need any further persuasion, there’s also the financial benefits to consider, since most of these girls come from families who know how to manage a checkbook better than the typical white bred bimbo rotting in their suburban mansion, so you stand to make a pretty penny off them if you stick it out for the long haul.

You could go European (which as far as we’re concerned in no way encompasses Britain). First, with their cavalier attitude toward sex shaking your fragile WASP-y traditions, they’re terribly easy. But their selection is quite frankly a bit old fashioned, and a relic of the Cold War era. The tale of a European delight who walks casually into your life with her carefree spirit, a passion for jazz, and the works of Camus, only to leave you without warning, brokenhearted standing on the tarmac of some airport, is one we haven’t seen anyone pull off in a while. But don’t let us stop you—by all means, go for it, but you’d find your efforts to be mostly for naught since most Euros are just slightly more exotic white people, and no one at the venue could possibly perceive your cultured taste unless she opened her mouth, which due to her faulty command of the English language is probably something one should avoid.

Anyone of African decent is definitely a plus, and should be considered a feather in your cap. Although curiously, dating the African female will, on average, score you fewer points than dating the African male (don’t think we weren’t going to throw you a bone, ladies and gay males out there!). And after all, what better way is there to make up for all those years of colonialism and slavery than with your disappointing sexual prowess. If we’re looking for the causal factors for this disproportion, it could have something to do with the fact that simply more black men are allowed on TV than black women. To the point that having a token black friend amongst a group of random assorted white (and otherwise normally racist) blokes has become a bona fide reality.

Are there other ethnicities out there for you to search for as you set sail around the world looking for the right girl to take to that Sunn O))) show? Perhaps. Only your own further research can fully answer that question. But whether you're reaching across the table for another helping of lo mien, another piece of naan, or even the culturally ambiguous gyro, tread lightly, as the delicate multicultural cloth we are all cut from tears so easily, and if there’s anything this article was meant to propagate, it’s cultural sensitivity.

Previously: History of the Rock Grunt                           

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