Is Everyone Having Sex on the Plane Except Me?

I can understand my failure in the finding-a-stranger-to-bone-on-a-plane department. Not everyone is Bruce Willis. But I’ve also flown with someone I was doing it with at the time. But still, nothing. How do you sneak back to the bathroom without...

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Mar 17 2013, 2:55pm

I once heard about a girl who met a guy on a plane and jerked him off under a blanket while his girlfriend slept on the other side of him.

For all I know, these could be some truly horrible, abnormal people. I mean, jerking off a dude while his girlfriend is innocently sleeping in the next seat is a really terrible thing to do, as is to have a stranger jerk you off when you have a girlfriend, who is sleeping right next to you.

The story could also be a lie, one of those apocryphal gross out stories like the one about your mom’s friend’s cousin who got a python that unexpectedly started to stretch out next to her in bed every night, and when she asked the vet about this mysterious behavior, the vet said the snake was growing itself in order to eat her. I’ve heard this story from several different people in several different countries, so I’m not entirely convinced in the existence of this ravenous, disloyal reptile.

Let’s assume, however, that the story about the jerking off is true, or rather in the history promiscuity, sexual experimentation, and aviation that the convergence of these activities and situations is conceivable. It’s still only one of an endless string of stories I’ve heard about people getting busy at 35,000 feet. I once had a friend who met a guy on a red eye, and when they landed back in New York, she took him to her house and fucked him. I’ve got friends who have been fingered in their seat, jerked off in bathrooms, and I once saw a couple I didn’t know emerge, frazzled, from the toilet on a long haul flight. And unless they were plumbers or just really, really liked watching each other defecate, I’m guessing they were fucking, or that someone at least got a hand job.

Why then, have I never had a sexual experience on a plane?

Being Australian and living in New York, I fly a lot, and for many, many excruciating hours. As a single person, I’ve always hoped that Bruce Willis will be miraculously flying coach, and will even more miraculously be seated next to me, and we’ll end up, in the most miraculous moment of all, with his penis in my vagina.

I can understand my failure in the finding-a-stranger-to-fuck-on-a-plane department. Not everyone is Bruce Willis. But I’ve also flown with someone I was doing it with at the time. But still, nothing. How do you sneak back to the bathroom without people noticing? Going for the “under the blanket, in your seat” routine just seems like super offensive public lewdness. There’s just no way to be subtle and everyone can see exactly what you’re doing.

And what about turbulence guys? What happens if you’re in the bathroom and the plane suddenly jerks to the side and you fall and hurt yourself, or worse wind up with a broken penis or bruised vagina? What if the captain suddenly turns on the seatbelt sign, and you’re butt naked in the loo with the flight attendant knocking on the door asking you to please return to your seat? WHAT IF A LINE FORMS FOR THE BATHROOM AND YOU’RE PREVENTING THE POOR PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO CRAP FROM CRAPPING? WHAT IF A CHILD IS THERE? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

I don’t know, maybe I just don’t want to fuck on a plane badly enough to make the necessary sacrifices. Or maybe everyone who says they’ve done it on a plane is a filthy liar and should be shamed for giving the rest of us such unrealistic expectations in spite of the inherent sexiness of air travel. Or maybe I'm just underestimating the devious thrill of having an orgasm so far from the ground and so close to hundreds of strangers.

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