The whole month of May is International Masturbation Month. It's a month devoted entirely to the celebration of self-love. Masturbation is definitely one of my favorite activities other than eating and crying. At first I couldn't help but wonder, what's the point of having an International Masturbation Month? I mean really, it's not like masturbation has any huge historical or political significance. It's just something you do while you're lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, or while taking a shower, or while watching the 1994 hit film Airheads. Then I read this text about how to “cure” yourself from masturbation attributed to Mark E. Petersen of the Church of Latter Day Saints. It's called “Steps in Overcoming Masturbation” and gives in depth advice on how to overcome its evil and impurity. I got to admit there are some pretty clever tips in here like: wear complicated pajamas, pray constantly, leave the door open when you shower, stop being friends with people who masturbate, eat food every time you want to jerk off, never be alone, never feel lonely or sad, associate masturbation with bathing in a tub filled with worms, etc... Clearly, wacking it has its enemies.
The San Francisco based sex shop Good Vibrations started Masturbation Month in 1995, in response to the firing of then-Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders who suggested masturbation be included in youth sex education programs. “We were astounded. It was one of the most sensible things we'd ever heard a government official say—and it cost Elders her job!” They also write, “Of all the kinds of sex people can have, masturbation is the most universal and important, yet few people talk about it freely. Worse, many people still feel it is "second best" or problematic in some way. Masturbation Month lets us emphasize how great it is. it's natural, common, and fun!”
You hear that? Natural, common, and fun! Let's not be so private about what we do in our private time. We need to be reminded that masturbation is both a privilege and a right. I’ve put together just a few ideas as to how you can take advantage of the few days of International Masturbation Month we have left. Let’s go out with a bang.
Say No to a Booty Call
When you get a late night text from an actual human being who wants to have sex with you, politely decline with something like, “normally I would, but it's International Masturbation Month.” They will completely understand, and in fact praise you for supporting such an important social cause. They might even think you will make a great parent one day.
Tell All Your Friends That You're About to Masturbate
A simple Facebook status will do. Something short and sweet like, “about 2 jerk off lol” or “brb, rubbing one out afk” is a perfect way to let everyone know you're not ashamed of touching your junk. Your friends will be extremely supportive, and comment things such “go you!” or "#YOLO."
Masturbate Everywhere You Go
Do it everywhere—parks, bathrooms, restaurants, weddings, movie theaters, funerals. If any cops try to arrest you, simply explain to them that you are celebrating a month long international holiday. If they still feel it's necessary to arrest, remind them that interfering with an international holiday could sever US Relations with major foreign allies and possibly bring about a third world war.
Write Erotic Fan Fiction for Your Genitals
Nothing turns me on more than writing about my vagina. I've written some intense fan fiction for my vagina. She's been a superhero, a marine, and even ambassador to France who always somehow gets trapped in an elevator for several minutes with nothing but a picture of Steve Buscemi circa Airheads to spend her time with. If you're not very good at writing erotica, buy a copy of Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer and replace all character names with “My dick” or “My vagina.”
More stuff about wanking it: