A Pork Roll Beef Is Tearing a New Jersey City in Two

Beat it, Capulets and Montagues. Take a breather, sperm whales and giant squids. Hit the showers, Autobots and Decepticons. There's a new rivalry in town and it's shaping up to be far more meatgasmic and definitely tastier. Let's call it the Trenton Pork Rollgate.

You've heard of Bridgegate, right? The scandal over an orchestrated traffic snarl of majestic proportions that has put Chris Christie's potential presidential run in jeopardy?

Well, say hello to a new New Jersey scandal, one involving what some call the "heroin of pork."

If you, like me and most of mankind, have never heard of Trenton pork roll or "Taylor Ham" as it is also known, well, the foodstuff is a New Jersey and Pennsylvania regional favorite. According to food lore, it was developed in 1856 by, you guessed it, John Taylor. It has been described as "a food article made of pork, packed in a cylindrical cotton sack or bag in such form that it could be quickly prepared for cooking by slicing without removal from the bag." Sounds great, right?

Fans describe it as being similar to bologna or Americanized Canadian bacon—but a whole lot better. Hence the heroin comparison.

In any event, the latest gate in New Jersey is proving to mirror the Battle of Trenton, with several camps of pork roll appreciators taking arms. Evidently, the founders of what was to be an annual Trenton Pork Roll Festival had a falling out whilst planning the logistics for the second annual festival.

Things have taken a turn for the ugly between Scott Miller and TC Nelson, both of whom worked together on last year's inaugural festival. Miller has split off and started the "Official 2nd Annual Pork Roll Festival" to be held at Mill Hill Park on May 23. But guess what? Nelson is organizing the "Trenton Pork Roll Festival 2015" at a restaurant he owns on, yes, the very same date.

"[Miller] wants to be the Czar of Pork Roll in this town dictating who, when, where, and how a Trenton product can be sold, marketed, and celebrated, and he is a fool," Nelson wrote on Facebook. "Before it was a friendly competition, now it is not." Nelson then added insult to injury, calling Miller a "chump."

What are Trentonians to do? While the two festival throwers continue to exchange cease-and-desist letters, lawyer up and flame each other on Facebook, pork roll lovers in Trenton are facing a big dilemma. Where should they go on May 23? Whose pork roll festival will reign supreme?

My advice? Avoid both parties and put your lot in with the third, you heard me, THIRD, pork roll festival set to occur in Trenton on May 23: the Trenton Vegan Pork Roll Festival. Even with the lack of any actual meat-based product, the Trenton Vegan Pork Roll Festival promises far less political sniping and shanking.