Felony Stolen Gun Charges Against Alabama Football Players Dropped Because They are Football Players

Because they have been working and sweating, a couple of football players won't face felony stolen gun charges, among others.

by Sean Newell
Jun 20 2016, 6:41pm

Last month, Alabama's All-SEC left tackle Cam Robinson and teammate Laurence "Hootie" Jones were arrested in Louisiana on several charges including possession of a controlled substance, illegal possession of a firearm, and possession of a stolen gun, which is a felony. Today, Ouachita Parish District Attorney Jerry Jones announced that he was declining to prosecute the charges because of insufficient evidence to prove who possessed the guns and drugs. Oh, and also because they play football.

Here are real words spoken by an actual prosecutor, courtesy of KNOE:

I want to emphasize once again that the main reason I'm doing this is that I refuse to ruin the lives of two young men who have spent their adolescence and teenage years, working and sweating, while we were all in the air conditioning."

I...don't even...what? I think this new personal temperature-based brand of justice is progressive and interesting, but I also think it's something we should talk about as a society before we just enact it right away. There could be certain unforeseen pitfalls in dismissing charges based on the relative sweatiness of people. For instance, I live on the top floor of my apartment. I have not put on my air conditioning yet. It's hot and I'm sweating. Can I (allegedly!) steal something from my landlords without the worry of a prosecution? What if you only started sweating during the commission of your crime? Mitigating factor? Is summer in Washington D.C. just a couple months of The Purge? And what about the inverse?i Can I be wrongfully convicted of a crime I didn't commit because I used my air conditioner?

Even though the statement itself is patently absurd, the single weirdest thing about it is that Jones made it at all. He already said he didn't feel like he had enough evidence to prove the charges, there was no need to also remind us that athletes often get a pass from star-fucking law enforcement or others in positions of authority. There is plenty of evidence to prove that.