Advice columns are stupid. Most columnists are unqualified to answer your questions, so we decided to create an advice column using the least qualified dating experts we could find: two single moms over 40 from South Florida. As Florida moms, Babs and Julie (who go by the acronym B.J.) enjoy buying their kids lingerie and partying with retired professional athletes throughout the clubs in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. This week, they tell you what to do if you marry a dude with a small dick and why you should encourage your teenage sons to masturbate.
Dear Florida Moms,
I have been married to my husband for over a year. When we were dating, I loved him because he was charismatic, made funny jokes, and took me to expensive dinners, but I hated the sex because he has a very tiny dick. I thought everything would change when I married him, but the sex has only gotten worse. I want to stay with him—I love him and he supports me—but I need pleasure. What should I do?
My Husband Has a Tiny Dick
Dear My Husband Has a Tiny Dick,
Go find a different dick. You shouldn't have married this small wiener dude in the first place. (Your pussy ALWAYS comes first!) But he's rich, so you should stay with him. You don't have to divorce him to ride a big cock, anyways. Just find a side dick. Once you find that side dick, suck it and fuck it. You'll feel like a brand new woman!
I just had a baby. I have a big corporate job. I want to keep having a steady sex life, but I don't know how to balance sex, work, and my baby. What should I do?
Dear Working Mom,
Don't stop having sex with your husband because, otherwise, he'll have it with somebody else. Sex must come first—even if that means your kids might walk in on you. One time, my husband was pretending to fuck a dog, for instance, and my daughter walked in. Sure, my daughter was traumatized 'cause she caught my ex-husband and me fucking and thought her dad was also fucking the dog, but you know what? It is what it is. You gotta have sex.
I hated my husband, but I still fucked him 'cause I'd rather fuck him than him be on the street fucking someone else. So if you want your husband to stay loyal, you gotta feed the dick. Write that down: Feed the dick or the dick will go find food somewhere else. That's the secret of life.
Babs, of the Florida Moms
I have this problem where I always end up falling for my male friends. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's terrible, and sometimes, like now, I don't know what the hell went wrong. I have known this boy for two years, and liking him was more of a gradual progression than an immediate attraction. But just as quickly as it started, it ended. He grew distant, didn't follow through with plans, and made no effort to see me—yes, I got the good old fade-out. My own mother told me that he probably just wanted to see if he'd get a date with me, and when he succeeded maybe it was no longer fun. That makes me feel even worse. Florida Moms, what should I do?
I Keep Falling in Love with My Friends
Dear I Keep Falling in Love with My Friends,
I feel that he was testing the waters, OK? Men all want the same thing: pussy. Men will be men, and if they have an opportunity to fuck, they will fuck without analyzing like we do—women analyze everything all the time. Your male friends are gonna try to fuck you. It's just in their nature! So stop fucking your friends. It ain't working. Basically: Move on, bitch!
I'm a mother of a teenage son. I have read articles on parenting blogs about kids watching porn and jacking off. What should I do if I catch my son masturbating? Should he be allowed to wank it? Should I blindly turn an eye to him using PornHub? I'm lost.
Mother of a Potential Masturbator
Dear Mother of a Potential Masturbator,
Woo hoo! We have had to wash our sons' sheets after they've gotten cum all over them, but we're very glad they're busting nuts—as long as they put socks on the door. Our teenage sons—and your teenage son too—need to masturbate. If they don't get the cum out, they will be grumpy. Who wants to deal with a grumpy teen? Not us! Plus, jacking off is natural. Babies do it, teens do it, husbands do it—even Donald Trump fucking does it!
Boys should never watch porn though. They need to naturally masturbate, because porn can lead to very serious problems later in life. Smut is like alcohol: It can lead to a 15-year-old screwing and ending up in jail. That said, talking about porn with your kids is like talking to them about booze and drugs. If you tell them to stop drinking, they'll drink more. If you tell them to say no to drugs, they'll say yes to crack cocaine and then start fucking hookers. So never talk to your kids about porn. Just tell them to wank their wieners and put a sock on the fucking door.