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Finally, Donald Trump Breaks His Silence On Super Bowl XLIX

Behold, the single hottest and most inessential take on the most important play of Super Bowl XLIX, from our most inessential public citizen.

by David Roth
Feb 2 2015, 5:30am

Photo by Joe Camporeale - USA TODAY SPORTS

Of all the reasons to have Marshawn Lynch on a football team—and there are many, from his gaming prowess to his media savvy to the way he so reliably and delightfully irritates the most irritating sports media crustaceans—perhaps the best is that Lynch is likelier to score a touchdown if handed the ball on the two-yard line than just about any living human. But football is a complicated thing, and humans are human, and the Seahawks opted not to give the ball to Lynch on the two-yard line and Malcolm Butler made the play of his life and the New England Patriots are your Super Bowl XLIX champions, and proud we are of all of them. You saw the game.

Mistakes like this make experts out of everyone, and the NFL in particular has a way of bringing out the barstool expertise in our least expert humans. But while Twitter was unsurprisingly awash in scalding-hot certitude after the Seahawks overthought their way out of a Super Bowl win, something was missing. Something somehow even more valueless than all the other definitionally without-value takes on the most obviously duffed playcall of this Super Bowl. There was not yet a take that was both pandering enough and luxurious enough to bring this mistake into focus. Luckily for all of us, America's most inessential public figure—a boiled ham that owns several troubled casinos, a lacquered pink doof who has chastised Gary Busey on television—was also watching the Super Bowl. Luckily for all of us, Donald Trump deigned to rise from his extremely exclusive and very popular sofa made of premium caviar to deliver the single hottest take on Super Bowl XLIX's pivotal play.

Call it disclosure or call it bragging, but here is a thing that I should mention: Donald Trump and I have some shared Twitter history. After years of tipsily/gratuitously/embarrassingly tweeting stupid things about him, I tweeted an extremely dumb fake Donald Trump quote that he then retweeted as if it was his own. While I appreciate this extremely luxurious and popular honor to this day, Trump also blocked me.

I mention all this because of what I am about to write: for all the reasons I have to be angry with or skeptical of Donald Trump, I truly believe he should coach not just one, but every single NFL team. The league has its problems, and Trump is a proven winner who can help make the NFL great again. His track record with regard to football is unparalleled in its excellence. His expertise is obvious. It's sad for the haters and losers who can't see that.

Huge h/t to Holly.