It's been a little bit more than a month, which means about a third of the league is pretty much done. Let's admit we mostly know nothing about the teams left.
Barely a month into the season, we can now offer preliminary thanks-for-coming's to the teams whose seasons are already essentially over. Thank you, too, to all the people who care about these teams. Thanks for waiting through seven months of the offseason, and remember that it will only be another 11 months until you and your team can entertain the fantasy of having a chance at a successful season. Football fandom is fun and emotionally rewarding.
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Baltimore RavensKansas City ChiefsJacksonville JaguarsHouston TexansDetroit LionsSan Francisco 49ersNew Orleans SaintsChicago BearsTampa Bay BuccaneersSure, there are teams on that list that harbored little in the way of delusions about being any good in 2015, but that's not the case for all of them. The Ravens must have figured they'd be in the playoff hunt, just as they are seemingly every year. That's a big nope right now, as they just lost to Cleveland in Baltimore for the first time in eight years and clearly have no real solution for their horrible secondary. The only reason for optimism, there, is that all their losses have come in one-score games, though that's of little consolation when you've lose four out of five such games at the very start the year.
Of the remaining teams, which is actually For Real? That's a fun sports talk conversation for us all to have, even though not a single one of us has anything like an answer. There are injuries and measures of improvement that we can't possibly predict at this stage of the season; things will change because they always change. Isn't some of the fun of sports not knowing everything before it happens? Do we have to pretend that we do, and argue from inside that fake certainty?Probably, yeah. But let's just try to enjoy things as they play out. And if having a Patriots-Packers Super Bowl lined up in your mind for February makes you feel more secure with the world, good on ya. Whatever gets you through the bye week.
When not otherwise occupied making pedantic and spoilery complaints about sci-fi movies, Neil deGrasse Tyson keeps busy explaining the hidden forces that made Mike Nugent's game-winning field goal against the Seahawks deflect off the upright just enough to be good. This means that when kickers start missing more often at Gillette Stadium, we can accuse Bill Belichick of messing with the planet's rotation. ROTATEGATE!Zut Alors! Emory et Henri!
Exotic formations call for exotic languages. The Bengals brought out the Emory and Henry formation, which they use from time to time, against the Seahawks. The NFL is mostly a staid league full of the same ideas, so when something out of the ordinary happens, I prefer to read about it in a language I can't understand. Merci bien, NFL France's Twitter feed.Terry Bradshaw Waxes Coherent on Greg Hardy
Lots of sports media professionals spent the last week sermonizing on the evils of Greg Hardy's return to the NFL, and understandably so. Hardy is a big ol' pissboy with no remorse or impulse control. He can absolutely get fucked sideways. It's strange to consider which Fox executive thought, "I bet America wants to know what Terry Bradshaw thinks about unrepentant shitlord and human nightmare Greg Hardy!" To his credit, Terry gives a more cogent speech on this topic than expected, though his pronouncement that the NFL has never stood for abusers ignores, oh, most of NFL history.Can You Not, NFLPA?
Greg Hardy really brings the Incredibly Bad Looks out of people, which makes sense given his own incredible badness. It makes sense for the players' union to have an interest in its members not solely being portrayed as unrepentant abusers. Still, when asked about an abuser, something a little less combative than a #NotAllPlayers defense is required.Week 5 Insight From A Rolling Eyes Emoji That Thinks Saying "Sportsball" Is Clever
"The Falcons and Bengals are undefeated? Are those teams? Is that good? I honestly don't know. I don't watch.""This season of 'The Leftovers' is pretty good. Too bad you watched sportsball, which is bad.""I heard some sportsballer named Arian Foster is an atheist. Did the NFL put him in jail yet? For good jokes, follow @TheTweetOfGod."
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"Did you know only 8 percent of the proceeds from the NFL's breast cancer merchandise goes to research? I heard that. Did you hear that? I bet the NFL shoots people who say it in public.""I saw some dude wearing a sportsball jersey at the store the other day and thought of you. You're still into that shit, right?"Lovie vs. Bortles: The Unsuccessful Force Against The Unwinnable ObjectComing into Sunday, the Buccaneers under Lovie Smith were 0-10 at home. The Jaguars were 0-8 on the road with Blake Bortles as the starting quarterback. Something just had to give. And that something was the time and probably-not-entirely-disposable income of several thousand Floridians with active warrants.Bernard Pierce, Who Are You Working For?
Rather than attempt to tackle Bucs returner Bobby Rainey, Jaguars running back Bernard Pierce opted to block another Bucs blocker. It's not quite treason. You are removing one potential blocker from the play. It's just…[ponders for eons, unable to formulate theory]Yeah.The Last Thing You See Before You Die Is Dan Orlovsky Warming Up
If The Ring were real, it would just be Dan Orlovsky warming up with more than a quarter to go in a non-preseason game. Most Lions fans welcome death by now, anyway, but this is a pretty tough way to go.If You Think The Lions Are Depressing, Try The Chiefs Without Jamaal CharlesPoor Kansas City and Detroit. Two historically downtrodden franchises that came into 2015 with modest goals. The Lions were looking for consecutive seasons with a playoff appearance for the first time since the '90s. The Chiefs hoped to get back to the playoffs themselves, maybe even win a game for the first time since they had Joe Montana under center. Prior to the start of the season, most would not have thought these goals to be outright ridiculous. Yet it is not quite the middle of October and both teams have already imploded; to the average NFL fan, it feels comfortable and right. It has to be terrible knowing that your franchise's repeated failure is so consistent as to be central to others' understanding of the football world. Such is being Lions and Chiefs fans.
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Popular commercial actor and famous-person boyfriend finally throws interception. Surely this is the end. — Photo by Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports
Aaron Rodgers Finally Threw An Interception at Home, Then AnotherOnce the Chiefs finally got their elusive wide receiver touchdown late last month, the most oft-repeated stat in the NFL belonged to Aaron Rodgers not throwing an interception at Lambeau Field since late 2012. It was an incredible feat that thankfully came to an end yesterday when Rodgers was intercepted twice by the Rams. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Rodgers. I look forward to today's cutesy Instagram video of he and Olivia Munn making pouty faces and wiping away invisible tears. At least I assume. It will just be nice not to hear about this particular stat anymore.An Update On The KickocalypseFollowing last week's freakout about kickers, field goal percentage rebounded slightly in Week 5 with an 81 percent success rate through the Sunday games, though that's still lower than the season average. Only one extra point has been missed this week, perhaps putting a damper on the theory that the pushed-back extra point is wreaking havoc on kickers' psyches. At any rate, it was one to forget for Chiefs kicker and NFL Brazilian ambassador, Cairo Santos. After going 7/7 in Week 4, Santos missed two of three kicks in a one-point loss to the Bears.Charles Woodson Finally Got Peyton Manning
I suppose that, divorced of context, pushing someone's arm down isn't the nicest thing to do. But context is important. You shouldn't divorce it. Stay together… for the kids.This Broncos fan makes the mistake of raising her arms in triumph at a game in Oakland, leaving herself exposed to a grim assortment of potential stab wounds. The Raiders fan is actually saving her from an inevitable ER trip. If anything, it's a quiet act of heroism.Frightening Fan Violence of the WeekA man was reportedly shot in the head in the parking lot of AT&T Stadium following the Patriots-Cowboys game. The victim was airlifted to a local hospital and is alive, though his exact condition is unknown. Also unknown is the team affiliation of those involved. It's not that important of a detail but it still made the second paragraph of this writeup of the incident. The intersection of sports and crime is always interesting.Did I say interesting? I meant profoundly disturbing.
1. Gary Barnidge's grundle*2. Stephon Gilmore3. Odell Beckham4. Jay Cutler!5. Mike Adams*possible midseason fantasy team name changeFive Losers Bathing In The Hard Water Of Infinite Shame1. Nick Foles2. Greg Zuerlein3. Matt Stafford4. The Saints defense5. Coaches kicking field goals down big in the second half (Shouts to Jim Caldwell and Jason Garrett)
The Steelers have had 10 days to regroup and find a new kicker since their series of baffling fourth down decisions led to a crucial Week 4 loss to the Ravens. Pittsburgh was supposed to welcome back receiver Martavis Bryant from his four-game suspension for smoking the demon weed, although that will have to wait another week due to Bryant's balky knee. Linebacker Ryan Shazier has already been ruled out due to a lingering shoulder injury, making this the third straight game he has missed since his supposed breakout performance in a Week 2 victory over San Francisco.Also Pittsburgh hasn't won on the West Coast since 2005, which sounds a lot worse than saying they have a five-game losing streak there. That said, two of those losses were to the Raiders, so maybe they should be made to feel extra bad about it.As is their way, the Chargers are a middling team that is hard to figure out on a week-to-week basis. They can pull out wins over subpar teams like the Lions and Browns and maybe even hang with a contender in the Bengals, but then they're also capable of completely beshitting themselves against a team like the Vikings. San Diego has the edge at home in a game that Mike Vick starts, even if the Chargers defense has had a problem getting turnovers over the course of the last season and a quarter. They're also the Chargers, so who knows what that edge will mean.
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"The Falcons and Bengals are undefeated? Are those teams? Is that good? I honestly don't know. I don't watch.""This season of 'The Leftovers' is pretty good. Too bad you watched sportsball, which is bad.""I heard some sportsballer named Arian Foster is an atheist. Did the NFL put him in jail yet? For good jokes, follow @TheTweetOfGod.""Did you know only 8 percent of the proceeds from the NFL's breast cancer merchandise goes to research? I heard that. Did you hear that? I bet the NFL shoots people who say it in public.""I saw some dude wearing a sportsball jersey at the store the other day and thought of you. You're still into that shit, right?"Lovie vs. Bortles: The Unsuccessful Force Against The Unwinnable ObjectComing into Sunday, the Buccaneers under Lovie Smith were 0-10 at home. The Jaguars were 0-8 on the road with Blake Bortles as the starting quarterback. Something just had to give. And that something was the time and probably-not-entirely-disposable income of several thousand Floridians with active warrants.Bernard Pierce, Who Are You Working For?
If The Ring were real, it would just be Dan Orlovsky warming up with more than a quarter to go in a non-preseason game. Most Lions fans welcome death by now, anyway, but this is a pretty tough way to go.If You Think The Lions Are Depressing, Try The Chiefs Without Jamaal CharlesPoor Kansas City and Detroit. Two historically downtrodden franchises that came into 2015 with modest goals. The Lions were looking for consecutive seasons with a playoff appearance for the first time since the '90s. The Chiefs hoped to get back to the playoffs themselves, maybe even win a game for the first time since they had Joe Montana under center. Prior to the start of the season, most would not have thought these goals to be outright ridiculous. Yet it is not quite the middle of October and both teams have already imploded; to the average NFL fan, it feels comfortable and right. It has to be terrible knowing that your franchise's repeated failure is so consistent as to be central to others' understanding of the football world. Such is being Lions and Chiefs fans.
I suppose that, divorced of context, pushing someone's arm down isn't the nicest thing to do. But context is important. You shouldn't divorce it. Stay together… for the kids.This Broncos fan makes the mistake of raising her arms in triumph at a game in Oakland, leaving herself exposed to a grim assortment of potential stab wounds. The Raiders fan is actually saving her from an inevitable ER trip. If anything, it's a quiet act of heroism.Frightening Fan Violence of the WeekA man was reportedly shot in the head in the parking lot of AT&T Stadium following the Patriots-Cowboys game. The victim was airlifted to a local hospital and is alive, though his exact condition is unknown. Also unknown is the team affiliation of those involved. It's not that important of a detail but it still made the second paragraph of this writeup of the incident. The intersection of sports and crime is always interesting.Did I say interesting? I meant profoundly disturbing.
1. Gary Barnidge's grundle*2. Stephon Gilmore3. Odell Beckham4. Jay Cutler!5. Mike Adams*possible midseason fantasy team name changeFive Losers Bathing In The Hard Water Of Infinite Shame1. Nick Foles2. Greg Zuerlein3. Matt Stafford4. The Saints defense5. Coaches kicking field goals down big in the second half (Shouts to Jim Caldwell and Jason Garrett)As for tonight…