NHL Rule Changes That Would Make Hockey Great Again

Rules. Without them, hockey would be a collection of humans with knives attached to their feet aimlessly and recklessly slamming a frozen piece of rubber at one another. As entertaining as that sounds, rules give hockey its structure and allow for fair and spirited competition.

The NHL has rules. Some are good, some are bad, and some are downright infuriatingly stupid. When the NHL adopts new rules, sometimes they are tested in the AHL, which will enact a few rules starting in 2016-17. Maybe these rules someday will come to the NHL, but why stop there?

Why wouldn't the NHL listen to me, a genius who has a host of ideas for rule changes to improve the game? Why wait a year or two to see how the AHL handles new rules when my ideas can be put into practice immediately? All my ideas are great and wonderful and free of charge. All I ask is that they are named after me and I receive $1 million every time one is used during a game.

With that in mind, here are all the wonderful changes I would make to the NHL starting next season.

1) A two-game suspension after five fighting majors; a three-game suspension after eight fighting majors; a four-game suspension after 10 fighting majors, then 5/11, 6/12, 7/13, and so on for each ensuing fighting major.

The new AHL rule calls for a one-game suspension after 10 fights, which is the sort of punishment you'd get if you asked your kid what his punishment should be for wrecking the car. "How about you ground me for one day then let me drive the new car the next day?"

If you get to 14 fighting majors in the AHL, chances are you aren't actually a hockey player and are just a dude that found a job that pays you to hurt people, but then you're suspended two games. For each fight after that, it's two games. It's pretty hilarious.

If the NHL adopted this rule, it would be pointless. Only four players—Cody McLeod, Derek Dorsett, Matt Martin and Mike Brown—had at least 10 fighting majors. Chris Neil, Jordin Tootoo, Brad Malone and Antoine Roussel had nine fighting majors. On top of that, every team could survive without these players for one or two games. And the type of players that fight 14 times in a season are also the type of players that deliver injurious hits to good players people pay to watch, so this rule needs more teeth.

2) After an icing, the offending team can't call timeout.

Another AHL rule, this would go into effect for next season in the NHL if I ran things. Alas, the NHL moves at a glacial pace with everything, so it will either start after the next lockout or be ignored completely.

3) Home teams will wear white for the first half of the season, then dark jerseys after that.

So the AHL is 2-for-3 on its changes. This is a way to make money, as home fans will get to look at a different jersey worth purchasing for half the season. Again, the NHL shouldn't wait on this one. It costs nothing to do and will probably result in more cash in everyone's pockets.

What about rules the AHL isn't putting into practice next season? Glad you asked.

4) Expand nets from 6 x 4 to 7 x 5.

The heights of the five leaders in goals-against average for the 1967-68 season were 5'7", 5'11", 5'10", 5'9" and 5'11"; the five leaders in goals-against average for the 2015-16 season were 6'7", 6'3", 6'2", 6'3" and 6'2". Over the past 50 years, the average goaltender's height went from under six feet to looking like a tennis score, yet the size of the net hasn't changed.

In baseball, a sport that welcomes change the way I welcome a snake in the bowl while I'm seated on the toilet, they've lowered the mound over the years in an effort to prevent pitchers from dominating the game. In hockey, the powers that be have shaved an inch or two off a few goaltenders' pads but that's not going to help when the humans wearing those pads are giants.

Also, you can only reduce pad size so much before you're making it too dangerous for goaltenders. If shooters can use modern sticks that lead to 100-mph shots, goaltenders can't go back to wearing pads from 1975.

So we make the nets bigger. It's something that's about 20 years overdue. And if you're someone who loves to say, "A 0-0 game can be more exciting than a 5-4 game!" you sound like someone that's been trapped on a desert island for so long that you say, "A coconut can be more delicious than a pulled pork sandwich!"

Both statements could be true, but why are we talking ourselves into believing that when we don't have to?

5) Kick pucks for goals.

Heck, let's make the new rule, "If you don't intentionally direct the puck into the net with your hand, it's a good goal." Imagine the feeling of relief for people that have to review goals for "distinct kicking motions," whatever the hell those three words mean. Think of it in terms of soccer—you can direct the puck into the net with your foot, chest, head, penis, testicles, butt, hip and knee.

And if your response is players flailing at pucks with skates is dangerous, come on. No one is bicycle-kicking pucks into the net. The blade is still angled toward the ice. And if you're worried about the health and safety of players, start by going after teams that allow players to return to the ice with obvious concussions before wayward skate blades.

Oh, by the way…

6) If a skater loses his helmet, he has to immediately leave the ice.

Want to take another small step toward protecting players' brains? If your helmet pops off during a shift, you have to skate to the bench for a change. There is a god damn weaponized rubber disc whipping around the ice that can change direction instantly. Get your macho ass off the ice if you don't have a helmet.

The NFL, which cares about the health of its players about as much as McDonald's cares about the health of its customers, will penalize players that continue to participate in a play when they lose their helmets. It's such an easy, minor thing that doesn't do much to change the outcome of a play.

7) The NHL must start tracking own goal stats.

In soccer, when someone directs the ball into his own net, he gets his name on the scoresheet as the scorer. It's funny and mean-spirited and hockey needs to add this to its official statistics.

Think about how many goals enter the net by accident over the course of your average season. I'm not saying if an Alex Ovechkin centering pass banks off Shea Weber's skate and into the net that Ovechkin shouldn't get credit for the goal; but there should be something on the scoresheet that allows you to know it was Weber who knocked it into his own net.

This would be helpful in analyzing goaltending performance as well. If two goaltenders had similar stats but one was victimized by 20 own-goals over a season while the other guy only had seven enter his net that way, it would shed some more light on who was having a better season. It's just more information, and more information is always good.

8) After an icing, you can't put your goaltender back on the ice.

It's the final minute of a game. You've pulled your goaltender for an extra attacker. A stretch pass goes awry and you have iced the puck. For some reason, NHL rules allow you to replace one skater with a goaltender for the faceoff in your own zone.

Get out of here with this. Your goaltender should have to stay on the bench because a) he wasn't on the ice at the time of the icing and b) he should probably stay on the bench anyway, as you're down a goal and having the sixth skater on the ice at the time of the faceoff is better for you.

9) Overtime is 10 minutes of 4-on-4 and that's it.

If ends in a tie, it ends in a tie. No 3-on-3, no shootout. I know I'm in the minority when it comes to 3-on-3, but it's no less of a gimmick than the shootout. I will fight for this until the fourth, fifth and even sixth lockout if need be.

10) All game misconducts for checks to the head must be reviewed in Toronto.

Hockey is a fast game and sometimes it's hard to tell if a check to the head was an illegal check to the head or a check that happened to catch the head in a legal fashion. College football reviews these types of hits before ejecting the player, so why can't the NHL do the same?

Asking two people on a huge sheet of ice with 10 gigantic humans skating into and out of their line of sight to perfectly discern head contact is sometimes impossible. By allowing reviews, referees can always err on the side of the misconduct with the safety net of Toronto being able to say, "We got a good look at it and this hit was clean."

There would be no middle ground. If the referee rules the penalty is five minutes and a game misconduct and Toronto overrules, there's no assigning a lesser infraction. Penalties like these can be game changers, leaving a team with 11 forwards or five defensemen. It doesn't hurt to confirm the difficult call.

11) High sticking can be challenged by coaches.

There's no room for interpretation on a high-sticking penalty; if a stick makes contact with a player's head, it should be called every time. And it's odd how referees never seem to see those infractions during the playoffs or when one team is already on a power play. This also leads to the next rule change…

12) Allow linesmen to call any penalties they want.

There was a time when having linesmen call trips or hooks was too much to ask, as they had to watch out for icing, offside and two-line passes. Since the NHL dropped the two-line pass after the 2004-05 lockout, that left linesmen with one less thing to spy on during games.

So if they aren't tracking the puck in relation to the blue or red line in a given moment, why can't they call charging or roughing or anything else? They already know the rules and are standing right there, so let them at it. If the NBA lets three people make calls on the court, why can't the NHL allow four people to do the same on a larger playing surface?

At this point, linesmen are nothing more than people who witness crimes but fail to report them.

13) Offside reviews after goals go to Toronto.

If hockey ops in Toronto review every goal to determine its legality, why wouldn't they handle offside, too? Why would it be left in the hands of two guys looking at a screen that isn't big enough to allow you to enjoy pornography, never mind track a tiny puck on a blue line in relation to a moving skate blade?

14) Referees need to explain review rulings to fans in attendance.

"After review, the call on the ice stands." That's not enough, NHL. If you're at home and watching on TV, you know why a goal stands or has been overturned for the most part. But if you're in the building watching officials futz around near the official scorers table, you almost always have no idea why a decision has been made.

There is the whole "confirmed" or "stands" thing, but even that forces the fan to interpret information. One means there was plenty of evidence, the other means there wasn't enough. But tell the people what you saw. Stop making everyone wait for that three-paragraph explainer email from Toronto (that sometimes lacks a sufficient explanation, too).

15) Call interference penalties.

This isn't a "new" rule. This is simply the crazy idea that referees need to start calling hooking, holding, and defensemen-attacking-forwards penalties that disappeared for a couple years after the season-long lockout that's now as bad as it's been in a long time.

16) Call delay of game whenever a goaltender freezes the puck outside the crease.

Did you know that goaltenders are only allowed to freeze a puck when part of their body is touching the crease? However, according to rule 63.2: "If a goalkeeper comes out of his crease to 'cut down the angle' on a shot and after making the save covers the puck, this shall be legal."

I'm calling shenanigans on this loophole. If you don't want to make nets bigger, then this is a change that needs to occur. Why are goals down? Because not only are goaltenders bigger than ever, but they can move two feet outside the crease to stop and smother shots. I'm in favor of either bigger nets OR forcing goaltenders to leave the puck in play when making saves between the hashmarks or get a two-minute penalty, not both.

Who am I kidding? Let's do both. The future of my NHL is 7-6 games.

17) Play the entire game at 4-on-4.

This is my nuclear option. You're not ready for it but that's OK. Internalize it now and let's come back to it next year.

18) Remove the trapezoid.

This rule is unfair, because it doesn't hamper all goaltenders equally. There are like five goaltenders that are excellent puck handlers and this rule punishes them more than the ones that can't do it well. With that in mind, there are two logical reasons for getting rid of this rule:

a) This will give more chances for inept goaltenders to handle the puck, turn it over and create goals.

b) It will protect defensemen by lessening the amount of times they get plastered as they go back to play a puck.

So getting rid of the trapezoid will create more goals and help the health of players. Martin Brodeur retired three years ago so it's time to disband the Martin Brodeur Rule.

19) No more hand passes anywhere.

They are currently legal in the defensive zone because the NHL just can't stop giving teams advantages to prevent goals. Let's not only make it illegal in the defensive zone but also a two-minute penalty. Everywhere else, it's just a whistle.

20) Goaltenders have to serve their own penalties.

This would present a funny visual, as goaltenders never sit in the penalty box. But if a goaltender gets called for diving, tripping or playing the puck over the glass, he should be treated like everyone else and spend two minutes in the penalty box as his backup kills the penalty.

21) When a team starts a period on a power play, the puck is dropped in the attacking zone.

All power plays start in the attacking zone, so why wouldn't the NHL do the same when the period happens to end during said power play? It takes about 10-15 seconds for a team to win a center-ice faceoff and gain the offensive zone and about twice that if the team with the power play loses the center-ice draw.

Why, again, are we giving the team on its heels an edge?

22) Shooting the puck over the glass in your own zone is no longer a penalty.

Finally, let's end what is arguably the NHL's dumbest rule by continuing to make the play illegal but only penalizing the team the way you would after an icing. Put the puck over the glass and you can't change players during the stoppage. In theory, teams intentionally ice and shoot the puck over the glass to get a rest, so why penalize each thing differently?

In reality, most pucks over the glass are accidents. The puck either flips on its side and sticks to the blade or the player miscalculates the angle or it's batted out of the air without bad intentions or the puck is sent with such force down the ice it goes over the glass 200 feet away. This penalty becomes a crutch for referees who don't want to call penalties late in games, so by getting rid of something that shouldn't warrant a power play, maybe referees will call actual penalties when they happen.