Hose Hoes' 2

Dir: Sean Michaels

Rating: 10

Evilangel.com

Cover model and professional butt licker Julia Ann reminds me of my wife. (Not that my wife hangs off black curtain rods and lick butts.) (And not that there's anything wrong with that…) Julia, like Mrs. Nieratko, is a hot blond piece of ass who looks better as she ages. That was a big concern for me when I decided to marry an older woman: How is she going to hold up under wear and tear?

Lucky for me she's maintained herself quite nicely after having a baby and with another on the way. If ever a time came that her shine started to dull I'd have no problem paying to get her sandblasted and given a new coat of paint, but I don't see us having to go that route. Julia Ann serves as our inspiration—she hasn't had any bodywork done (and she's over 40) other than a nose job to remove the aftereffects of a broken nose suffered when a horse kicked her in the face. I like to think that the accident occurred as she was masturbating beside the animal and it got so turned on that it lost control, but I'm pretty sure that kind of stuff only happens in children's movies.

My real worry isn't so much about my wife's exterior (anything can be fixed with Bondo), it's when things start going to shit on the inside that has me shitting a brick. As people get older their bodies start to quit on them, and we still haven't figured out a lot of the mechanics of the human motor. New tits? New lips? We got that stuff dialed. I was just speaking with a friend of mine and she told me, "One of my lovers has colon cancer… I've fucked someone with anus cancer… and I liked it." I asked, "Does that mean you're not allowed to put your finger in his butt?" "I'm not sure if I'm allowed to or not," she responded, "but I didn't go for it… and I didn't lick it, as usual. Other than that, everything seemed pretty normal… oh, except the two chemo pumps in his torso, but he kept his shirt on."

Another of my friends has a mother who has beaten breast cancer three times but just got it again and they say this time it's serious, terminal. Why is it that all I ever hear about is butt cancer and breast cancer and… is there vagina cancer? It just seems like cancer only targets the sexy parts and not the unsightly bits that we wouldn't mind losing, like already-fungus-infected-big-toe cancer or knobby-knee cancer or third-nipple cancer. I think those would be welcomed forms of cancer. But to rape our women and eat their tits and asses? What the fuck is cancer's problem? It's like it's the antiboner disease; the Bible-wielding militant Christian of infections.

Maybe the cure for cancer is somehow hinged on our society embracing pornography and sex in general. Maybe if we all started fucking in the streets, cancer would be so appalled and blinded with disgust that it would retreat back to 1478 Spain and tell Ferdinand II of Aragon that everyone in 2011 is really fucked up and the whole thing is a waste of time. Maybe offer him a rimjob so he chills the fuck out.

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com