Mar 13 2009, 3:10pm

When I was in high school I used to exchange email with this dude in Tuscon, Arizona who went by the name "Rose Coomers." He was in this punk band called Coomers Explosion that I was completely obsessed with. They sounded like a gayer/poppier version of the Germs and their frontman was a flaming fag, so I was convinced.

When I moved from Kentucky to Kansas City I made friends with some crusty punk kids from San Francisco who were friends with Coomers! He came to KC to "visit" and turned out to be totally straight, started dating my friend Lindsay and proceeded to stay in Kansas City until he'd pissed off almost everyone there. He didn't have a job and he usually crashed at my place, spending all day and night watching TV and talking shit. Basically, he was my dream guy!

We spent a lot of time together smoking pot, talking about rock 'n' roll and him criticizing me for being a theatrical art fag. Of course, this was in the most caring way possible, the same way I imagine Linda Perry once cared for P!nk.

Anyway, now he's in this band called Harlem and I'm obsessed all over again. It's the best kind of rock music, not like Bauhaus, who Coomers once told me sucked because their "Guitar don't even sound like a guitar."

Vice: OK, so I remember meeting all you guys in Kansas City, but I can't remember anyone's name besides Coomers. Who's in the band and what do you guys do?
Curtis O'Mara fills in for Cool Beans Babadash, Coomers answers the phone for Rod Sewage and Cristian sometimes plays drum machine for Dristan Swamper.

It was you and Curtis who formed the band in Nashville, right? Then you moved to Austin for Fame and Fortune?
We moved to LA for fame and fortune but all we got was a walk-on role in the new Chris Brown movie. We played "Strangled Bitch 1" and "Strangled Bitch 2."

I think you would make a good leading man. You've always sort of reminded me of Jason Segel. So why did you move to Austin?
We got blacklisted in Nashville for getting into fights with all the kids who played music there.

Why did you want to move to Nashville in the first place?
It was random. I was bored with living in San Francisco and Curtis was living in Nashville. He called and asked me if I wanted to move there and do a band. We've lived in LA, Portland, and Tuscon. Our rent is cheap here. If the landlord kicked us out we'd probably have to move.

Back to LA for fame and fortune? And by "fame and fortune," I'm referring to blog "buzz."
A blog is fame and fortune? I guess I should go cash in all this cyber money we have made. Then I can go to the digital bar and get virtual with some avatar.

Alexis [our mutual friend] and I were both talking about how much time you spend on Myspace and searching for your band on blogs, which I think is cool, but I was wondering if that was something you wanted to talk about?
This interview is going to be retarded. Reading a blog about a blog is like taking a picture of a camera. The only people who take pictures of cameras are really boring photographer girls in college and dumb middle age men who are pretty much the same thing as boring college girls.

Tell me about your worst show and your best show?
Our worst show was for some weird dude photographer who kept telling us to be sexier. Our favorite show is usually stopped because we "Watched over 71 minutes today on Megavideo."

Do you think Kurt Cobain would be into Harlem?
Do you think Kurt Cobain would be into Foo Fighters?

No. Are you comparing yourselves to the Foo Fighters?
Yes, we are comparing ourselves to the Foo Fighters. Somewhere in the back of my head I think this interview is you trying to get back at me for all the annoying shit I have done to you. (I just found some video I shot of me asking you about the show fat actress over and over.)

I'm not! I actually really like your band. I think you're one of the best punk bands in the world right now. How about you give me the rules of being punk.
I think Avril Lavigne said it best, "If it has studs and chains and skulls and camoflauge and leopard print, it's me."

I want you to make a list of everything you want to happen for you in the next year.
End starvation, world peace, more puppies, less staph infection.

Harlem - "Cover of the Month Come Back Jonee"


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