I Live-Tweeted a Self-Help Seminar

For about four years my dad has been trying to get me to attend something called "the Forum.” My dad has participated in "the Forum" seven times and completed all of its advanced courses. When I ask him what "the Forum" is exactly, he answers with variations of "It's different for every person" and "It's kind of a discussion-based experience." When I ask why he wants me to attend his reasons have been similarly vague, usually hinting at some kind of epiphany I'll have, which he has had, despite his inability to articulate it. A few months ago he offered to pay for my hotel room, the $500 course tuition, and to never argue with me again about it if I did it.

“The Forum” is a seminar organized by Landmark Education, whose website features the question "What does it take to have an extraordinary life?" above some smiling, ethnically diverse faces. Google auto-completes searches for “Landmark Forum” with “Landmark Forum cult,” “Landmark Forum review,” “Landmark Forum scam.” For several weeks these were my only landmarks of insight into what my weekend with the Landmark Forum would entail (three consecutive 9 AM to 10 PM days of sitting in a Sheraton Baltimore-Washington Airport Hotel conference room with four chandeliers and about 70 people, watching a Landmark speaker—“Leader man” or “LM” in my tweets—lecture while pacing between two standing microphones audience members would sometimes approach to receive personalized coaching).

After successfully forgetting the impending reality of my Landmark Forum until the night before it, I looked at a website that collected critiques from people—mostly reporters, from Mother Jones to the Observer—who had taken it and compared its immersive M.O. to mind control techniques used by some cults. One person monitored every time an audience member publicly wept. One person said participants weren't allowed to eat or leave the room during the 13-hour days. I started feeling nervous. I thought, "Just pretend it’s high school. You sat in high school for eight hours a day and didn't pay attention to anything. Just do that." I created a Twitter account to document my weekend with the Landmark Forum. I tweeted from an iPhone as inconspicuously as possible, which sometimes lead to typos and inconsistent capitalization.

DAY ONE: JUNE 3, 2011

Have a large bag of pineapple, watermelon, sf red bull, cherries, organic dried figs, Perrier for snacking in room

Can't check into hotel room yet. 5 people confusedly asked me about name tags, one told me to go outside and breathe deeply

Yearning to be on med-high dose of Xanax for next 13 hours. Wish I brought heroin

"I'm a gypsy" by shakira played in bathroom as I 'sink showered' and friendly Asian girl farted 3x in nearby stall

Toilet flushed before I sat on it, then again as I was peeing

Then again after I peed but hadn't stood yet

And one last time long after I had left toilet area

Toilet flushed final 'death rattle' as I brushed my teeth and resentfully pinned on name tag

While searching for cutlery obese man offered me a fork and said he was "stuffing his face" before "the forum"

Jesus http://twitpic.com/56b6tm

Male in camouflage pants just aat next to me goddamnit

Leader man said it "healed his family"

Woman just asked into microphone if we would be hypnotized

Leader man (lm) says he related to his wife by making each other upset

Lm drew circle on board that said "results" in the middle and people nodded, some made noises

Lm can't seem to decide if subjectivity is good or bad

Okay now he thinks reality is different than subjective experience

Woman came up to microphone and said she wants to put make-up on dead people

Camo pants man is also livetweeting, it appears

Seems like Lm will eventually get everyone to sing (or at least listen to) Dave Matthews band song

Lm said "you think I left Judy in the past?" then carried a trash can to front of the room with him, said "I take her with me wherever I go"

Lm is now carrying three objects and just started talking about the marines

He put a chair on his head and said "I came back from vietnam looking for a woman"

Xanax…

Lm drew 6 circles on board and said "everyone views you as a circle" then asked if we were moved by the story of his family

Lm drew a diamond inside circle and said "that's a conversation"

Have been eating cherries. Early Lm said "who in here knows they're a little overweight" and a lot of people vocally responded

Feel like I don't even know what is going on

Seems like drivers ed

Lm just said we should share with person next to us what we're getting so far, went to get more coffee

Coffee is no longer complimentay

Lm keeps saying "transformational," seems gay

Smells like a retirement home. Lm just said "you don't know the physics of riding a bicycle so you don't know how to do it"

Seems like…metaphors are being said a lot, but not with much context

Lm just said "this isn't a belief system but I want you to try on the beliefs I have"

"miracles" have just been "promised" to me, followed by the words "breakthrough results"

Thought exit sign was a bar of soap

Went outside to bask in sun a little

Came back and 5-10 people were saying "extraordinary," a slightly obese man was at microphone. Ingested ~10mg adderall

We're supposed to talk to 3 people we don't know. He said shy people should just point to their nametags

Lm just said we are the popcorn and he is the heat. He said if we "pop" today we are considered "premature poppers"

Have been formally instructed not to eat in room. We can leave for 30 minutes

Woman named "Francine" asked me what me goals were and I said "my dad wants me to be here" she said "I want to strengthen my community"

Openly picked my nose while charging iphone and sitting ~30 feet away from 'strangers mingling zone'

Feeling adderall now. Seems like I don't remember period of time after bus ride until sitting here, know I went to grocery store

Peeing now. Seat got moved to 2nd row and can't tweet inconspicuously. A woman just felt better after ~20 minutes of chalkboard stuff

Guy next to me keeps touching his face in agony and seems to barely be able to keep himself from yelling 'overshare' things

Want to swim in pool tonight

Lm asked everyone not to drink or do drugs for these 4 days and asked people to raise their hands who said they wouldn't. Didn't raise hand

Seem to be a lot of vertical lines in room

Seems like this is all designed to blame your childhood for shit or something

Lm said "cults tell you to believe things. We don't have anything for you to believe" wtf

Steve Martin http://twitpic.com/56g70k

Peed with Francine. She said her "ass is killing her" (re our seats)

Scared about not being able to tweet, I will have to defend myself on a microphone about tweeting

10 minutes left before I re-enter discreet tweet zone…watermelon sitting patiently in plastic bag, seems to look up at me sadly

I'm supposed to be thinking of stories I've invented about my past or something now

Tao is sexy

Ingested remaining adderall, entering discreet tweet zone

Looks like there is a comfortable black chair ahead of me

Woman sitting in black chair got up to microphone weeping, says she needs a miracle, audience was just "shushed"

Woman moved chair over and Lm gave her microphone and said "why don't you just rock star it"

(she has the fancy black chair)

Lm just said "a lot of dead people are running peoples lives"

Argued with Lm on microphone about how judgmental thoughts can be neutral and there is no 'objective reality' for maybe 15 minutes

Said the words "it's not bad to worry, it means you're sensitive," and "My dad wants me to be here"

10 minutes later Lm drew an amoeba-like structure on chalkboard, told a long story about Vietnam, and woman next to me gave me a mint

Lm seemed to think I don't "experience reality"

Lm said "don't you want to be in a loving relationship" I said "I'm married"

Lm said "when you're depressed you can't be in the world with people" I said "I don't like people" then had to say it again closer to mic.

Endured seemingly inescapable conversation w/obese "fork giver" for close to 3 minutes as I ate fruit as sloppily as possible #dinnerbreak

Listening to 2 women near bathroom sinks. One just said "don't worry, my son has brain damage too"

The Sheraton? More like the Over-share-a-ton http://twitpic.com/56j6bs

Automatic toilet didn't flush after manual assistance. Woman just said "I tried not to eat too many carbohydrates" and laughed insanely

There are at least 4 objects that rensemble bananas in here

Lm did thing with his hands and said "it's the ozone"

We have been assured that "the poppIng will happen Sunday"

Lm just said "you think your reality is real but it's not really real"

Two girls with tans have "trust issues" and are trying to morally justify complaining by complaining

Lm said "6-8 headaches will be cured today" as I left room to use bathroom

Want to run back into room screaming "I'm having a breakthrough!!!" and knock a lot of things over with Andrew WK as my back-up band

DAY TWO: JUNE 4, 2011

Woke an hour late…goddamnit…think I'm about to be publicly shamed for "having no integrity" or something

Was awarded seat behind black fancy chair lady. There is definitely a goldfish cracker shape drawn on board

Petting these ~12 mango stringies stuck in my teeth with my tongue

Lm just said he wants everyone in our families to take course. Have upgraded to picking teeth with finger

I probably have the newest shoes in the room

Lm just presented Kleenex box to woman and said "try to take this from me," she took it 4x and each time he said "you failed"

Woman in fancy chair seems physically capable of not sitting in fancy chair

We have 45 minutes to call someone we have an "incomplete relationship" with

Walked to neighboring hotel (a Westin), people with nametags seem to be sitting everywhere outside

*clarification: "black fancy chair woman" is white, the chair is black

Black and fancy

Hope my body sees the small amount of LSD I ingested as "small" to perhaps "very small"

Can already tell this poop is going to be rewarding

Debated changing clothes in hotel room to "show everyone how much my life has changed"

Lm just exited elevator with chubby woman, both looking 'serious,' behind them was a teenage boy wearing "lifeguard" shirt and swim trunks

Lm just squeezed man's shoulder and said "the popping happens tomorrow"

Smells liken a beef sandwich is somewhere behind me

Man has been standing at microphone for ~20 minutes, Lm just said "you have something white on your forehead"

Man just said he'd like to bring his dad here on Tuesday, Lm said "I'd like to have hair" and looked vaguely at ceiling, squinting

Beef sandwich smell seems to have gotten stronger

Lm got everyone to raise their hands and now seems to be advertising additional seminars

We have taken a break from sharing 'breakthroughs' so we can register for additional seminars

Just accidentally resented the Sheraton

People who I've never talked to keep calling me "Megan"…

Felt like I was actively resigning to mango by eating it

Then I 'got into it'

Came back from short break and my chair had been moved but my red bull and water were still there

Only other seat available was in "high risk tweet zone"

Did 40-minute closed eye exercise at the end of which several people were crying, one woman near front of room made ~4 moaning noises

We were supposed to 'get' that everyone is afraid of people. Felt alienated by lm's 'purposely wavering voice'

Earlier the 'rushed woman' from before cautiously said "I'm afraid of being technologically irrelevant" into microphone after ~5 seconds

Carb lady from yesterday sat 3 chairs away from me and said "Megan, here you are again, feels like this is coming full circle"

Fancy chair action shot http://twitpic.com/5729up

Why do people care so much about their parents staying togeher

Lm said to put our papers away and someone clapped one time unintentionally i think

Man next to me took 'share opportunity' to say he didn't like how Lm was acting to me yesterday

Lm said in addition to our homework tonight we have a "bonus opportunity" to recruit 3 people to come Tuesday night

Seemed to be confusion in the room after Lm explained something, then man in glasses asked if there were "volunteer intern opportunities”

After pressing "send" on an email sincerely dreaded how iPhone was going to elaborate on "Connecting…"

DAY THREE: JUNE 5, 2011

Just woke, have been thinking "y'all don't even know how much cayenne…" periodically while dressing

Woman who handed me nametag said "where are you megan," touched my shoulder, then said "don't touch people" to someone

Woman just said she used to listen to heavy metal and write poems about death,man in front of me shook his head

Woman just said she has resented Lm's ass since we'v been here, is now ranting in semi-abstractions about gender

Freeing mysof to try out some experimental leg positions so the people sitting around me can be moved, touched, and inspired

Woman appoqxhd microphone and said "fest let me tell you what happened yesterday," 4 people left room

Woman has noted the weights of two of her dogs, everyone n my row is gone

Leaving for first break, saw man joyfully unwrapping triangular pastry, trying to make eye contact with everyone

What is that thing? I feel like that thing http://twitpic.com/57ew1e

Rode elevator down with Lm. Asked how he sustained energy to talk for so long, he said "because I'm constantly giving up my past"

People keep saying into microphone that they feel like they know everyone in the room

Man just invited all of us to his weddng

Weeping woman who "doesn't get it" has been at microphone for maybe 20'minutes, audience members who "get it" are physically responding

Would be possible to edit woman's going on 7 minute story as "I saw a dead person once"

She just said "to make a long story short"

She just said "so but um well what happened essentially s that I didn't enjoy any of it"

Lm is enduring her by displaying George bush-like facial expression, just quietly said "we've got to move things along"

Now she is reading a letter including the phrase "that legacy ends now"

She has been replaced with a shy seeming hippy

Were supposed to share letters we were supposed to write with person sitting next to us, woman next to me didn't write hers either

She said "the first day was good but now I'm just sitting here chillin'" and we talked about liking feeling depressed sometimes

Lm just said "it's amazing, anywhere you go on the planet someone can reach out and touch you"

We have switched gears, Lm just wrote "your life is empty and meaningless" on chalkboard…hehe…

Man had a problem with that, Lm said "where is your life? Let's go find it" and led him around the room, they looked under a black man's hat

Lm just said "that's not yellow but we agreed that's yellow but it's not yellow to the yellow" about shirt, man said "what even is yellow"

Another man approached microphone and said mostly sets of 3 word questions about "meaning" and then was quiet and said "I'm nothing"

Lm said "your life is meaningless"'to woman at microphone, she said "I had an epiphany," paused and said "but it didn't mean anything"

Feel like if I went up to microphone and made an insane noise and sat down I would be applauded

Now that we've agreed nothing means anything people have resumed snacking, some walking around

Lm just added "it is empty and meaningless that it's empty and meaningless" to "life is empty and meaningless" on chalkboard

Lm just told us not to rob 711 on our dinner break because cops wouldn't think it was funny

Returned to room from break, significantly more people inside

Carb lady sat next to me and asked if I was still depressed…

Lm is saying summary kind of thing while my dad and other 'graduates' stand…he is sniffling…seems uncomfortable

Dad just blew air into his hands

People thanked the people who brought them here and now lm seems to be peddling advanced courses

Lm is peddling hard

Getting satisfaction out of itching insides of ears, alternately

Lm showed us how he finally stopped feeling anxious about eye contact by vibrating at front of room

My dad knew ~4 people here, one of them is an old man I've never met but is facebook friends with me

Went to hide in bathroom. Only one stall door was open. Walked to it and saw a ~4 y/o boy peeing

On the way out of bathroom man I don't know just asked if I've "transformed" since Friday, then said he's taking advanced course

Passed facebook friend as I neared the room, which is still 'roiling with conversations.' Standing in this…area…hidden area…

Said to my dad "it was like the criterion collection version of a Kurt Vonnegut novel but with crying" in a not-quite-argument

Lm said "I love you" to us

MEGAN BOYLE