Every week, the Noisey editors get together and compile everything they’ve been listening to over the last week. This week, we all gathered around the Christmas tree (or Festivus pole, as our respective religions dictated) and unwrapped all of our picks. We were also joined by a very special guest, the only person with a universal pass for breaking and entering, Santa Claus...
What's up motherfuckers, it's Santa Claus. It's crazy they have Wifi at the North Pole, right? It's even crazier that a magic, benevolent 525-year-old man who delivers presents to the entire world in one night would use his Wifi not to check his email or map present-delivery routes with Mapquest but instead keep up with rap music on the internet, and yet, here we are. Santa's favorite rapper is Plies, because his voice sounds cool and his Twitter feed is immaculate. Plies killed this beat, just like Santa killed Mrs. Claus' pussy last night.
DJ Q - "All I Want for Christmas Is Q"
I'm from North Carolina. Ain't shit to do but cook. Or download music, which is what I spend every single Christmas doing, pretty much nonstop. This time around, I managed to download 1,267 songs and managed to at least skim most of them. This included a shitload of Bop, the new Burial thing, a compilation of mainstream European house cuts, a bunch of dumb UK Funky, this really good EP by Jungle that my dad thought sounded like the Bee Gee's, and (obviously) 05 Fuck 'Em. But it was DJ Q's out-of-nowhere remix of Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You," tucked into an email blast sent out by the noted tastemaker Davey Boy Smith, that takes the cake. It takes the best Christmas song and chops it into a joyous, urgent, all-bodies-on-the-dancefloor anthem for any month. Truly a Christmas miracle.
Frank Sinatra & Dean Martin - "Auld Lang Syne"
This is literally the worst song in the entire world. Not even Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin can save it. They played this song at the bar a few times the last few days and it is so depressing. Most Christmas music is, but this especially because it's played DURING HOLIDAYS, AT GRADUATIONS AND FUNERALS. How do you celebrate a new year with a song that's also played at funerals? Anyway, it's kind of fun to sing this when you're drunk and swaying off of a bar chair but it mostly just sucks. Happy New Year.
Lil Durk - "52 Bars (Part 2)"
If you're a Noisey reader, you've no doubt spent some time with Lil Durk—I mean, we've told you to do this time after time. But regardless, during my holiday over the past week, all I've listened to is his latest mixtape, Signed to the Streets, on repeat. I'm in Iowa, so the rolling farmland covered in snow might not be exactly what you think of when you hear Durk spit over Young Chop's massive, syrupy beats, but you know what? IDGAF.
Cyndia Lauper - "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough"
I've been wanting to spend an afternoon curled up in bed rewatching The Goonies for about, oh, a year now. For whatever reason, I have yet to accomplish this easily achievable goal. The plan is to make it happen this last holiday stretch. Perhaps during some digestive-induced lull in the day. In the meantime, I've been listening to this Cyndi song a lot, which you'll remember kicks in just as the Goonies are riding down down the hill on their crappy bikes. To this day, nothing says freedom to me like this song and riding a bike.
On another note, this seven-minute video (once you get past the two minute intro) is pretty brilliant. Cyndi's on her own treasure adventure decked out in very 2013 attire: a clash of checks and tartan, a bullet belt, and too many bracelets, her hair four shades of tangerine.
This video also features a cameo from Steven Spielberg and an underground hibachi stand so Cyndi can grab a slice of steak—medium rare—while running away from the bad guys. Awesome.
Gucci Mane with Rick Ross - "Trap House 3"
Gucci Mane's The State Vs Radric Davis: The Caged Bird Sings hit in time for Christmas (available via iTunes), but I'm still not done with Trap House III from earlier this year. Peep the whisper flow on the title track with Rick Ross above.
Lou Monte - "Dominick the Donkey"
I’ve been trying to spend some QT with my parents for the holidays this week. Last night, we saw The Wolf of Wall Street. It was good. There was also a ton of drugs and 80s titties and quick shots of people fucking. Not sure watching Leo DiCaprio doing drugs out of a hooker’s butthole falls under the umbrella of “QT” but that’s what the Ozzi family did. We’re also big time Italian so when it comes to Christmas music, we think this shit is hilarious.
Rob Zombie - "Dragula"
I'm home for the holidays and I just found my old collection of CDs—this is the first one I ever bought. My friend Max showed it to me. He also showed me Weird Al and taught me what a/s/l meant. Honestly I was kinda scared of him but my parents didn't know any better and would set us up on playdates every weekend. The last time we hung out he made his mom cry because she unplugged his Xbox and his dad drove me home early. Regardless, this song is sick.