The year is 2015 and Justin Bieber's dick is on the Internet and everyone has seen it. Even if you didn't want to see it, someone fed those pictures taken some perv over at the New York Daily News onto your Twitter timeline and now you have seen it: The Bieberdong, swinging unsolicited into your field of vision and long-term memory like a wrecking ball with a foreskin.
You know that nightmare where you inexplicably end up completely naked on a stage in front of your entire high school and they're all judging your naked form and its various lengths and lumps? That is literally what's happening to Bieber right now, only instead of high school, it's the world. Population: 7 billion. Imagine knowing that 7 billion have seen your wang - and what's worse, none of them can figure out what size it is. Is it big? Is it small? Nobody can seem to agree, but here is the general argument, summarized:
We won't re-post the pictures because, even though this situation is inherently more amusing when it involves a wang, they were still taken without permission and that is an unfortunate thing to have happened. Besides, you've all seen it at least ten times accompanied with a shoddy pun, for example "What Do You PEEN". So let's take a long hard look at the statisdicks:
Pretty close call.
In my professional opinion as a journalist, Justin Bieber fan, and occasional enjoyer of dicks, there is some promising length on display, although it could well stay that way when erect, which would render it below average. Girth is often the more telling measurement.
ANYWAY. Unfortunately for us - and perhaps thankfully for Bieber - the potential of a flaccid dong is wildly unpredictable. The Bieberdong will spin forever in our memory like the coin at the end of Inception and we'll all be left to wonder on, grown ass men included.
Follow Emma on Twitter.