@Seinfeld2000 Breaks Down Taylor Swift's Open Letter to Apple

Hey whats up guys its me.

Remember the epsode of seinfeld called “The parking space?” If u dont, it all start when Gerge is backing up in to a parking space when sudenly this aquantance of Jerys name Mike, he try to obtaine the SAME parking space by driving in to it front first.

Now, mike and gerge are both half way parked in the same spot and neither guy is budging bc each guys feel entitled to the space, and what transpire over the rest of the epsode is just like a hella epic parking space stand off. Oh and did i mentien that Gerge and Mike are both suposed to be going to Jerys apertment to watch a boxing fight? Only in New York!

Continued below.

Anyway this story from that clasic 1992 epsode of seinfeld remind me of another batle that was waged over the weekend, granted on a much larger scale and with SO much more at stake. Im gona quit beating arond the bush: im talking about Taylor Swift vs Apple

In this case Gerge is Apple, Taylor swift is Mike , and the parking space is music itself. I know my analagy sound a litle “out there” but plese show some respect for what i am trying to acheve here and just go with it k? Basicaly, Apple was about to smoothly back up in to music and take it over like they do with everything with their streaming site Apple Music which had ur boy drizzy rocking the 1977-1998 clasic rainbow Apple logo jacket at the oficial launch a couple weeks back.

But then here comes Taylor (Mike) blocking the space with an open leter she just post on Tumblr this weekend that basicaly say “im not giving my album 1989 to apple becase theyre basicaly stealing music for free just like the same way that Gerge is trying to steal this parking space hes simple not entitle to.”

Now in “The Parking Space” theres no resolutien. Two cops come up and one tells Mike to move his car but the other cop thinks Gerge should move his car, and its just like “Here we go again!” smh

But IRL? Taylor Swift ended up geting what she wanted when Apple finaly caved in the wee hours of Monday morning and said they would basicaly do whatever she wanted as long as she stoped writing letters (btw, why do they call them “wee hours”. Shrinkage!! Hours were in the pool!!!!)

That means that Taylors leter is historic. Shes a hero BABY!!! She honeslty just convince the largest corporaish in the world to do whatever she want. Thats makes her basicaly like the Joan Of Arc of the music industry but with the added bonas of not geting burned at the stake when it was all over. So what i did here is im just breaking down the leter that made Apple do a complete 180 ollie just like in a business sense or whatever .

Becase if Taylor can just write a leter that strong enough to make Apple to start paying artist, maybe one day i can write a letter powerful enough to convince NBC to put seinfeld back on televisien with brand new epsode every week

k here gos:

To Apple, Love Taylor
Its hard to tell someone u love them. Dont believe me just ask Gerge. Remember when hes dating that women who works at the zoo but shes hard of hearing in one ear? Gerge want to tell her he love her but Jery says “are u confident in the i love u return. cause if u dont get that i love u return, thats a huge mozza ball hanging out there.” But there is a certain love we feel with apple products isnt there. and why wouldnt there be? All our apps are in their products. our photos are in there. All our contacts are in there too. And now theyre coming for something else we love. our music.

I write this to explain why I’ll be holding back my album, 1989, from the new streaming service, Apple Music.
Life is funny. As Taylor was withholding her album from the streaming service Apple Music (not to mentien Spotify and even Tidal which is owned by her BFFs of 4 months Beyonce and Jay Z), Jery just threw the whole Seinfeld catalog on the streaming service Hulu for a cool $180 milion dolars. Coincidetiely, Seinfeld debuted in 1989, the same year taylor swift was born and why she name her album that

I feel this deserves an explanation because Apple has been and will continue to be one of my best partners in selling music and creating ways for me to connect with my fans.
k and by that same token, i feel that what i beleve seinfeld would be like if it still on TV today deserve an explanatien as well. I think it would be funny if in one epsode, Elane have “streaming fatigue.” She would be just want the tech companys and the music industry to just reach a god damn concensus and just streamline the process so she can simply just listen to her favarite song Witchy woman conveniently and easily. “IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK JERY?”

I respect the company and the truly ingenious minds that have created a legacy based on innovation and pushing the right boundaries.
And like apple, seinfeld created a legacy by pushing the rite boundaries. U think any other sitcom at the time was capable of tackling outré subject’s like masterbatien – female masturbatien even – during the originel Gerge Bush administratien on one of the major networks? smh come on, if u believe that then ive got an exclusive stream of Taylor Swift album 1989 on TIDAL to sell u lol

I’m sure you are aware that Apple Music will be offering a free 3 month trial to anyone who signs up for the service.
“You are aware…” remember that from seinfeld? “You are aware…” Thats from the epsode of seinfeld where Gerge get a new job and hes asigned to work on the “Penske file.” Even tho he spend the whole week doing nothing to the file, when he meet penske himself, Penske is so impress with Gerge “work” that he says “Would u ever consider coming to work directly for me?” Then Gerge say “realy?” And Penske say, “You are aware…” and right then penkse is just interupted by a buzz that say his car is being towed. And much like how Gerge had no idea what penske was about to say, and hes just aganizing over it for whole rest of epsode, i had no idea that Apple music would be ofering a free 3 month trial to anyone who sign up for the service

I’m not sure you know that Apple Music will not be paying writers, producers, or artists for those three months.
kind of like how on seinfeld, when Krame hired the intern Darren from NYU just to help him out with his personel life, chores, erands and other miscelanea, he too did not pay darren the intern that whole time

I find it to be shocking, disappointing, and completely unlike this historically progressive and generous company.
This is the point in Taylor swift open letter when she go full Jackie Chiles. “I FIND IT TO BE OUTRAGEOUS, SALACIOUS, PREPOSTEROUS” that Apple is not sheling out any of that ipad gwap

This is not about me.
“Its a letter about nothing!”

Thankfully I am on my fifth album and can support myself, my band, crew, and entire management team by playing live shows.
Imagen if Gerge was a populer musicien, like if seinfeld still on TV today. I can just picture an epsode where hes kind of like Taylor swifts frenemy in one epsode (special guest staring Taylor Swift of corse) and he read this line of her open letter. He say: “SHE STICKIN IT TO ME JERY. STICKIN IT”

This is about the new artist or band that has just released their first single and will not be paid for its success.
Ah. So basicaly Tay Tay is being a good samaritan here. Shes using her incredible prominance as the foremost popular artist in the world to stand up for the rites of strugling musiciens. Um i think ive heard this tune before when jay z said that Tidal was for “all” and that he was some kind of Che Guavara of music streaming, and that his cousin was in Nigeria hunting for fresh new beats as we speak. Its funny becase in Seinfeld there are two refarances to being a “good samaritan.” The first instence was in Seasen 3 epsode 20, “The Good Samaritan” when Jery predents that he lied and said he got into a kung fu fight with a hit and run driver when actualy he asked her on a date for the express purposes of having sex intracorse with her

This is about the young songwriter who just got his or her first cut and thought that the royalties from that would get them out of debt.
Remember when Elane was dating a young songwriter? Jazz musicien Jon Jermaine. He wrote that song “hot and heavy” which was also kind of a sly refarance to their felatio isues. I wonder if he was in debt? Would he benefit from Apple Music paying their artists during those cruciel first three months? How many people are streaming contemporary jazz? And if jon jermain was in less debt would be be better at going down on elane? A lot to unpack here

This is about the producer who works tirelessly to innovate and create, just like the innovators and creators at Apple are pioneering in their field…but will not get paid for a quarter of a year’s worth of plays on his or her songs.
What if seinfeld still on TV in 2015? Gerge become music producer. He call Jery franticaly after reading Tay Tay Swift open letter to apple
GERGE: JERY U GOTA HELP ME
JERY: whats wrong
GERGE: JERRAY!! JERRAY!!!!
JERY: ya, i can hear u.. can u hear me?
GERGE: YOUR BREAKING UP JERY
JERY: Oh hang on, let me just go in the living room the receptien is terible in my bedroom.. can u hear me now?
GERGE: JARY! U GOTA HELP ME. u know how im a realy inovative music producer now rite?
JERY: Sure! ur working on a colaborative album with Hudson Mohawk as well speak rite?
GERGE: Oh yeah baby its that fire!! its gonna make TNGHT sound like YSTRDY if u catch my drift! But I just found out that i wont get paid for a quarter of a years worth of plays on my songs BABY!!!
JERY: … UNCLE LEO?

These are not the complaints of a spoiled, petulant child.
Elane had her hands full with a spoiled petulent child, herself, when she took on the role of baby sitter in “The Blood” (S09E04) just so she can prove to one of her many ashole friends that she is responsible enough to look after a tiny small child, namely the child of her ashole friend. Remember when he pours orenge juice into her $85,000 Birkin Bag. Now that was a spoiled petulent child!!!

These are the echoed sentiments of every artist, writer and producer in my social circles who are afraid to speak up publicly because we admire and respect Apple so much.
How does one become a member of tayler swift sociel circle? I imagen a terifying induction ceremony that includes both blood oaths and nondisclosure agreements. I once saw one of the members of HAIM walk past a miror. She had no reflectien. But its small price to pay for becoming a member of Taylor Swift clique

We simply do not respect this particular call.
And I simply do not respect NBC’s call to cancel seinfeld due to the fact that only about 1100 people watched the final epsode of seson 8. smh come on NBC, a lot of shows have slump’s. Look at FOX. They canceled Family Guy, then it had this huge resurgence, they apologized oficialy, brought it back, and look at it now, its been on TV for literaly 30 years. All taylor swift and I are asking is that NBC do the same. Me, tay, and our loyal army of swiffers (which is what we call our fans) are simply demanding that the natienel broadcast corp say there sorry, and bring seinfeld back to the TV with brand new epsodes everythursday nite

I realize that Apple is working towards a goal of paid streaming.
One of my favorite moments from the most latest seasen of Curb Your Enthusiasm deal with “upstreaming.” That is taking a taxi that someone else was trying to flag by standing slightly closer down the road (or “stream” as it were) to the cab. I think we can look at the process of upstreaming as similar to the batle curently underway among all the streaming services– Spotify, Apple Music, TIDAL, Netflix Beatz, Amazan Prime Music, iHeartRadio, MattyBRapsMusic, Pandora, Rhapsody, XBox Music, Soundclaude, etc etc. Its an ugly, fragmented can of furious worms. ANd each worm in trying to catch the cab (the listeners ear) sooner than the next worm

I think that is beautiful progress.
Why do we say “god bless u” when someone sneezes. Instead we should say “ur progress is soooo good-looking.”

We know how astronomically successful Apple has been and we know that this incredible company has the money to pay artists, writers and producers for the 3 month trial period… even if it is free for the fans trying it out.
Translatien: TAYLOR SWIFT WANT ARTISTS, WRITERS AND PRODUCERS TO GET THE PLANE THAT TED DANSON GETS!!

Three months is a long time to go unpaid, and it is unfair to ask anyone to work for nothing.
yada yada yada, “Apple better have my money”

I say this with love, reverence, and admiration for everything else Apple has done.
Taylor swift love iPad

I hope that soon I can join them in the progression towards a streaming model that seems fair to those who create this music.
There was that one epsode “The Wife” where Gerge does a little “streaming” himself, in the health club when he just “stream” his urine in to the drain during his taking a shower. Remember what he says in his own defense? “ITS ALL PIPES!!!” In other words, no mater where gerge pees, its all going to the same destinatien. I think this is a litle bit like the way how music listeners think abt music. Were just trying to get the beats in to our ears ok? We realy dont care which pipe it goes thru, if its via Spotify, Apple or MattyBRapsMusic, whatever is just the most smothest destinatien from the artist directly in to our ears. its all pipes

I think this could be the platform that gets it right.
Look im not gona lie to u. When i first comited to responding to every single sentance in Taylor Swifts open letter, i didnt realize it would be this strenuos. But here we are, 22 lines in to her powerful leter to Apple and im honestly starting to lose energy. Some times it doesnt hurt at those times to take a break, “lose the contest,” and then come back to a project totaly refresh and restoare brb

But I say to Apple with all due respect, it’s not too late to change this policy and change the minds of those in the music industry who will be deeply and gravely affected by this.
see and ive BEEN saying to NBC for over two years now, its not too late to uncancel Seinfeld and bring a lot of joy to a great deal of ppl who rely on the show as the only source of hapiness in there lives, just like as how Taylor Swifts music is the only ray of joy in her most devoted Swiffers lives

We don’t ask you for free iPhones.
What if seinfeld was modarn? Kram get free iphone from apple becase he sue them after he plug in a first generatien iPhone 6 Plus and he leave it charging overnite and the phone get SO hot it literaly cause him to get third degree burns

Please don’t ask us to provide you with our music for no compensation.
Do you think Taylor Swift is a seinfeld fan? I could see her either having seen every epsode and able to quote the show and refarance it with her friends, or never having seen one epsode

@Seinfeld2000 is the author of a book called The Apple Store. Follow him on Twitter.