Pitchfork Festival Preview: Can I Sleep Through This Band's Set?

As you make your festival itinerary, there’s only one question that really matters.

Jul 17 2014, 12:57pm

Photos by Michael James Murray

The Pitchfork Music Festival is coming to Chicago this weekend, so it’s time to start planning your itinerary. There are so many bands playing that you'll be surprised when you realize on Friday that there are actually huge chunks of time in which there's no one you're interested in watching, as well as long stretches on Saturday and Sunday when you discover you'd rather just sit down and rest quietly instead of standing in the sun, soaked in your own sweat, watching another fucking band. With all that’s going on over the festival’s three long, performance-packed days, coupled with the thrilling reality that there's absolutely no re-entry allowed, there’s only one question that really matters: Can I sleep through this band’s set? Check out our guide below to find out when you can grab some Zs!

Friday, July 18:

3:20 Hundred Waters (BLUE) – Yes.
4:15 Factory Floor (BLUE) – Yes.
4:35 Neneh Cherry (GREEN) - No.
5:15 The Haxan Cloak (BLUE) - No, not unless you want nightmares.
5:30 Sharon Van Etten (RED) - No, this set should be tight.
6:15 SZA (BLUE) - Start off awake, and let the music lull you into a deep, uninterrupted sleep.
6:25 Sun Kil Moon (GREEN) - Yes, actually this is the headlining set for the Pitchfork Sleeping Festival, which is running simultaneously with the music portion.
7:15 Avey Tare’s Slasher Flicks (BLUE) - Nah.
7:20 Giorgio Moroder (RED) - You’ve been sleeping on this guy your entire life—why wake up now?
8:30 Beck (GREEN) - Depends on if he’s all gloomy Morning Phase Beck or if he trots out his fun-loving Scientology side.

Saturday, July 19:

1:00 Twin Peaks (GREEN) - Yes, at home in your bed.
1:45 Ka (RED) - No, you should be hydrating aggressively—you have a very long day ahead of you.
1:55 Circulatory System (BLUE) - No.
2:30 Wild Beasts (GREEN) - Yes.
2:50 Empress Of (BLUE) - Depends on whether you’ve found a nice patch of grass where you can lie down.
3:20 Cloud Nothings (RED) - No, because you, like, wanna see this set but you’ve GOTTA eat something or you’re going to seriously fucking pass out, dude.
3:45 Mas Ysa (BLUE) - Don’t you dare.
4:15 Pusha T (GREEN) - No, because you’re in line for beer again, complaining that it’s taking too long but secretly glad that you don’t have to go stand through another set full of songs you don’t know.
4:45 The Range (BLUE) - Yeah, I mean, who knows when you’ll ever get another chance to sleep?
5:15 tUnE-yArDs (RED) - Yes, whether you are naturally sleeping or have temporarily lost consciousness after a trusted friend bludgeoned you with a blunt object—as long as you’re totally, mercifully not paying attention.
5:45 Kelela (BLUE) - Better not.
6:15 Danny Brown (GREEN) - No.
6:45 The Field (BLUE) - What is sleep? Why does it insist on infringing upon our waking hours, like an unwanted houseguest taking a gruesome shit in the only bathroom of the bright, cloudless day?
7:25 St. Vincent (RED) - “We sleep in a long reproachful dust against ourselves. We are full to the gorge with our own names for misery.”
7:45 FKA Twigs (BLUE) - Yes.
8:30 Neutral Milk Hotel (GREEN) - Ugh, well, like, maybe it’ll start raining? And we can just go home early and pretend to be disappointed?

Sunday, July 20

1pm – Mutual Benefit (GREEN) - Yes.
1pm – Speedy Ortiz (BLUE) - No, I saw them this April and they out-jammed the Jicks, so just fucking get yourself to the festival at the correct goddamn listed time to see this set, okay? You realize you’re paying for this, right?
1:45pm – DIIV (RED) - Yup.
1:55pm – Perfect Pussy (BLUE) - Eh, probably not. I mean, what if Lorde is there?
3:20pm – Earl Sweatshirt (RED) - Sleep with your eyes open, that’s fucking logical.
3:45pm – Dum Dum Girls (BLUE) - Instead of sleeping, why not take this opportunity to broaden your knowledge of soapmaking by perusing a few pages of your copy of Smart Soapmaking: The Simple Guide to Making Traditional Handmade Soap Quickly, Safely, and Reliably? Future you will thank you for it.
4:15pm – Schoolboy Q (GREEN) - No.
4:45pm – Jon Hopkins (BLUE) - This is just printed on the schedule to mislead you. “Jon Hopkins” doesn’t really exist, at least not in a music-playing, human form. This set will be a terrible mirage you can never unsee, as the Blue Stage is overrun with horrifying limbless creatures emitting earsplitting screams. Do not try to stay awake—do not even be in the vicinity when the earth opens up and blood-soaked, necrophilic horses trample festivalgoers and slurp up their bones like they were melting popsicles. Later, a critic will write that this set was “pretty underwhelming,” but do not believe him. It will be too late; he will already be soulless, dead to the world. Do not sleep here. Flee.
5:15pm – Real Estate (RED) - All their songs sound like the act of taking a nice nap. I think you know what to do here.
5:45pm – Majical Cloudz (BLUE) - Yes.
6:15pm – Slowdive (GREEN) - No.
6:45pm – DJ Spinn (BLUE) - Depends on how many Js deep you are.
7:25pm – Grimes (RED) - Yeah, but try to do it leaning against someone and wear sunglasses, so you could still be mistaken for being awake.
7:45pm – Hudson Mohawke (BLUE) - No, because this is your big chance to watch “the best set no one saw” of the festival, and you’ll need to be awake to Instagram it as proof.
8:30pm – Kendrick Lamar (GREEN) No, of course not, why would you even ask that?

Devin Schiff will be pounding energy drinks to stay awake for all of Pitchfork Music Festival. He's on Twitter - @devinschiff


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