The Best And Worst Of DatPiff Art

To quote the great Winston Churchill, “Mixtape covers be crazy, yo.” I’m pretty sure he said that when he was popping bottles with Roosevelt in the VIP section—spending that industrial revolution money. Historical assumptions aside, mixtape covers have to be one of the greatest gifts the Internet has given us; and no one is more generous with the goods than DatPiff.

For anyone who doesn’t spend hours trawling the Internet for high and low-grade hip hop, DatPiff is the Internet’s answer to a colossal tar pit of music. I like to think of it as a place where the greats and the non-so-greats are equally at the mercy of the public.

Tee Money: Swag School

“Yo Tee Money, you ready to shoot some photo’s for your mixtape cover? Oh you’re going to wear that? A plain gray jumper and jean shorts? Not particularly swag. I mean this is your mixtape cover, and the title of the mixtape is Swag School. But are you sure you don’t want some hood rats and a Benz? Nope. Cool. By the way, watch out for the Ninja Star Mortarboards.”

Ya Boy The Truth: Futuristic Writing

This shit is Godzilla, it’s exactly what my mixtape cover would look like. First I’d literally write a list of everything that I like: pizza, cola Chupa Chups, dogs, my friend Gary. Then I’d Google image search all those things, copy and paste them into Photoshop, apply purple solar flares everywhere, and sit back to watch that money stack. That’s called the Ya Boy Da Truth Method of mixtape covers.

Fye Powa: My Knob Broke

Medical ailments have been an overlooked sub-genre of hip hop for too long. Fye Powa’s tour de force My Knob Broke Vol.1 takes you on a spellbinding lyrical journey through the life of a man with a broken penis. His eyes say it’s been broken for a while. As for the burning hellish napalm plane wing background, I think any man can feel Fye Powa’s pain. Look out for Vol.2: Yep, It’s Still Broke.

No Trace: The Wake Up Call

To be honest, I’m not even sure if this is a hip hop mixtape. It seems more likely to be a fake radio program that these two guys recorded on their dad’s tape recorder. My sister and I did that once. It was called Golden Oldies and we pretended to be an old person’s radio station because we thought that it had more comedic breadth for doing funny voices—which it did. Also what’s with both of these guys’ eyes? Both have got some next level mannequin blankness going on; like a family of mannequins making fake radio programs out in the backwoods of Alabama.

Bam 640: Deeper Than Words

Did you know 2 Chainz is actually a property developer? How about that Kanye owns five Fat Burger restaurants? Or that J. Cole was a bill collector? Considering all that, it’s not shocking Bam 640 was a bus driver. Fuck your 24” wheels, this guy’s got like 50” wheels. Also he picks up honeyz errrrday when rolling through the hood. Granted he drops them off a couple of meters down the road, but still. Straight up he is the boss don on his bus. If you try to pay for a two-hour ticket with a $50 expect a nasty look. Just like the one he is giving you right now on his cover.

Young JaCra: Kingdoms Revealed

Just like how Bam 640 looks like 45-year-old bus driver, Young JaCra looks like a 50-year-old accountant on his annual family holiday. He’s just down the coast with his wife and kids, getting some “spiritual time” while looking wistfully out to the ocean. Breath in that sweet ocean air Young JaCra, you crushed that financial quarter!

Rio Ryda: Irak “The One Man Taliban Edition”

Rio Ryda’s expression screams, “Man I hope signing to Pakistani president Shabaz Sharif’s Da Middle Beast Records is a good idea. Sure he has some unorthodox ideas, but his network is second to none.” His next mixtape is going to be Battle Of Flanders: “Napoleon Aint Got Shit On Me Edition”.

Jonzie: Jonzie Bin Laden

Have I missed something? What year is this? I was just joking about the Shahbaz Sharif record label thing; but this is some straight up, next level ignorant shit. This is on par with Cam’ron going on the O’Reilly Factor. This is on par with Wyclef Jean running for President of Haiti. This is on par with Ja Rule talking about 9/11.

James Goodison & Stewey G: Tale of Two Minds

Something tells me that Tale of Two Minds involves a lot of terms like “capacitor”, “mainframe,” and “reroute”. I guarantee these guys get to play the 11.30AM slot at SupaFest because they defragged the booking managers laptop and hooked him up with an unlimited Brazzers account.