Spinning Arseholes: The Voice UK is Finally Over!

So that’s it. The Voice has warbled its last alternative Taylor Swift cover for another year, and after three months of monopolizing the weekend’s prime time TV like Christina Aguilera at a buffet table, we can now reveal that the winners of the show are… the Kaiser Chiefs!

In the most brazen use of BBC airtime to sell a record since Emeli Sandé knocked Adele unconcious moments before the Olympic Opening Ceremony, the final of the program coincided not with the Christmas Number One or, indeed, anything even vaguely intended to help any of the poor sods taking part, but with the release of the Leeds’ quintet’s latest album – which duly shot straight in at number one.

Having made literally no attempt to disguise that his involvement with the show was a completely cynical ploy to revive his ailing indie outfit, frontman Ricky Wilson even turned the final into a mini Kaisers advert, selecting the band’s latest single for his duet with finalist Christina-Marie and then singing all the main bits himself. Nicely mentored, mate.

Of course, however, this is The Voice, and the Kaiser Chiefs’ Unofficial Comeback Final wasn’t the only thing about this weekend’s climax that was completely ridiculous. Here’s a handy round up of our favourite ways that The Voice completely shot itself in the foot. Again.

Life is a cyclical thing. We’re born an incapable, drooling mess, reliant on everyone and everything and we die an old, burnt out husk, pissing ourselves and trying to gum on a bit of bread with half a tooth and halitosis. The Voice, being the clued-in, philosophical piece of mind-opening culture that it is, has noted the ever-spinning wheel that we call existence and modeled itself accordingly. Thus, just as we got a fucking shit judges performance of "I Predict A Riot" to open the show, now we get a fucking shit judges performance of Primal Scream’s "Rocks" to close it. Ah, nothing says Saturday night quite like three millionaires and Ricky Wilson doing a song about doing skag.

The Most Bizarre Celebrity Guest Choices Ever

It’s the final of your big budget Saturday night TV show, time to pull out the big guns here, ho out on a high and somehow try to justify this show being renewed for another two seasons at huge cost to the licence fee payer. “I need some celebrity guests,” you say as a lightbulb dimly flickers and then dies over your head. And then, as a functioning adult human being with a well-paid media job in 2014, it dawns on you: “Chris Evans, the dude who sang the theme song to How To Make It In America and cockney twat Paloma Faith”. “Yes,” you exhale with a smile. “Nailed it.”

Whatever The Fuck That Willy Wonka Thing Was

What do you do when you have to sing a song on a singing talent show, but you have no discernable singing talent? You slap on all the whistles and bangs you can find and hope that nobody notices that, underneath the caked-on layers of foundation, there’s a spotty teen hiding below. Will.i.am and Jermain’s duet, then, was the TV equivalent of a really confusing acid trip complete with disappearing people, fuck-loads of colours and patterns and a bit where you went inside an iPad. Was it good? Was it bad? Who knows, but at least it was better than that time he recreated chucking out time at a Midlands Yates Wine Lodge on The X Factor.

The Bit When Even The Judges Acknowledged What A Pointless Load Of Shit The Voice Usually Turns Out To Be

“If this show comes back and it wants to be stronger than ever, it needs a hit,” impassioned Ricky From the Kaiser Chiefs, presumably while a subliminal message urging people to buy their album played out in the background. Man’s got a point, but if even the people getting paid a shit load by the show can’t help but go, “Guys – this whole shebang doesn’t normally work that well, does it?” then it’s a bit awkward.

The Bit When It Suddenly Turned Into A Political Rally

The winner is announced. It’s Jermain, the good kid from the wrong side of the tracks (well, Hackney) who actually has a great voice and isn’t a complete strip of beige wallpaper. Fantastic. And then, just as the TV bigwigs are patting themselves on the back and getting ready to renew the show for another three million series, Jermain and Will start talking about him becoming prime minister, supporting your local government, and completely dismissing any element of the show being about singing in any way whatsoever. Another year bites the dust.

Follow Lisa on Twitter: @LisaAnneWright