This is totally, unequivocally true and not false in the slightest: On Friday morning, I received an email from Ted Nugent asking to continue a rant he'd started on Thursday night, when he'd criticized everything from President Obama's healthcare plan to Al "Not So" Sharpton. "I need to keep going," Ted said in his email. "The people need to know the truth." (A photo of his abs was also attached.)Lest I be the idiot to deny the legendary cock rocker his say, I've decided to run the rest of his thoughts unedited—bold, I know, but there are some things the people need to hear. Wake up, sheeple: Papa Ted's here to do some educating./ / /Are words more offensive than the ruthless Frank Underwood kissing a manAre words more offensive than OutKast reuniting without doing a new albumAre words more offensive than the eventual workaround for Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in the next Hunger GamesAre words more offensive than following @SeinfeldToday instead of @Seinfeld2000Are words more offensive than white after Labor DayAre words more offensive than accepting The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift as canonAre words more offensive than Jennifer Lawrence playing a housewife in American HustleA housewife, Jesus ChristAre words more offensive than manual RT-ingAre words more offensive than the final shot of The DepartedAre words more offensive than only buying vinyl from Urban OutfittersAre words more offensive than saying you like “everything but rap and country”Are words more offensive than downloading an album without meta tagsAre words more offensive than how you’ve read “a lot of Dave Eggers” on a first dateAre words more offensive than the Chicago Cubs’ new mascotIt looks like a goddamn furryAre words more offensive than fucking a person in the ass and not even having the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach aroundAre words more offensive than honestly picking the Undertaker to lose at WrestlemaniaWhat’s wrong with you, it’s never going to happenAre words more offensive than meeting someone on OK Cupid, having a nice date, bringing them back to your apartment, showing them two Guy Fawkes masks and saying "are you ready for the real date?"Are words more offensive than not following backAre words more offensive than my dear baby boy growing up without a strong male role modelI’m sorry. I’m sorry. I miss you. I hope you haven’t forgotten my face. I’ll find you one day.Are words more offensive than honestly calling Space Jam “overrated”Are words more offensive than a black guy playing the Human TorchI mean seriously his sister is white how does that workLike… whaaaaaaat?Are words more offensive than doing a Borat impression in 2014Are words more offensive than enjoying TedThey didn’t even have the decency to make it about a real Ted, not some stupid bearImagine it: Me and Marky Mark, pounding brews and telling it like it is. Good conceptAre words more offensive than declaring yourself the legal guardian of a 17-year old so you can have sex with herWait, don’t answer thatRelated:We Talked to Ted Nugent About Freedom, America, and Killing ShitJeremy Gordon would have watched that version of Ted, actually. He's on Twitter. - @jeremypgordonInvaluable perspective provided by @jeremydlarson
Advertisement
Advertisement