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Music by VICE

Musical Horoscopes, Volume I

A new moon links with Uranus on the 2nd and a good rule of assholery is that to get away with acting like Kanye you need to be as talented as Kanye (Big Sean, take note).

by Julie Mitchell
Jan 27 2015, 4:00pm


Image via Wiki Commons

Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec.21)
Neptune is crossing your reserved sun on the 30th, so this is a time when you’ll want to let OTHER people play their Pandora stations.

Capricorn (Dec.22-Jan.19)
No one’s clicking "attending" on your Facebook event because you’ve been being a dick lately. A new moon links with Uranus on the 2nd and a good rule of assholery is that to get away with acting like Kanye you need to be as talented as Kanye (Big Sean, take note).

Aquarius (Jan.20-Feb.18)
You have four planets hanging in your solitude sector this month and Rick Ross lost 100 pounds. Why don’t you do something with your life.

Pisces (Feb.19-Mar.20)
Mercury is in your rising house on the 26th so stop saying you want to fuck Ariana Grande. Most people have frozen burritos older than Ariana Grande so stop sexualizing her tiny infant body.

Aries (Mar.21-Apr.19)
The 25th is a good time to stop using more than twelve hashtags on every picture because Venus will be in retrograde. Also please limit your regrams of Taylor Swift’s birthday party to one a day.

Taurus (Apr.20-May 20)
As big as Beyonce’s thigh gap is in the 7/11 video, that’s how long it’s been since your Facebook statuses have been good. There’s a full moon in your sun house on the 17th so why don't you stop moralizing about social justice on Facebook, when you know you're going to post a picture of your goddamn brunch this weekend.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Verbal Mercury is aligning with intense Pluto in your intimacy zone this month so maybe stop taking your emotional cues from Drake albums. It doesn’t seem to be working.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Spandex is a privilege, not a right. Ke$ha understands, I don’t understand why you don’t.

Leo (July 23-Aug.22)
As good as the new D’Angelo album is, that’s how bad you are at telling stories. Those stories you tell aren’t really stories they’re just times you got lost or encountered minor inconveniences. There’s a second moon in your goals house this month and it would be nice for everyone if you stopped doing that.

Virgo (Aug.23-Sept.22)
Planets are clashing in your health sector this month and it’s very evident that everyone likes FKA Twigs. You didn’t discover her.

Libra (Sept.23-Oct.22)
Around the 30th Mars hits combative Pluto and that’s when you should stop hitting on people at Whole Foods. Just buy your bulk grains and get the fuck out, this isn't a Guster song it's a grocery store.

Scorpio (Oct.23-Nov.21)
Mars is tangled with Mercury in your communication zone on the 22nd and it’s pretty safe to assume all hospitals are a no flex zone, no one’s being a “hater.”