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Noisey

Crucifictorious, the Speed Metal Band from 'Friday Night Lights,' Will Reunite for Some Reason

Clear eyes, full hearts, speed metal.

by Dan Ozzi
Feb 10 2014, 9:08pm

As proof that literally no band is safe from playing reunion shows, Crucifictorious, the fictional Christian speed metal band from Friday Night Lights, will get the band back together to play the Luncheonette on a Parenthood web series. The band, led by “dead-eyed piece of shit” Landry Clarke will play the show's web series so NBC can fill time during the Olympics.

OK, Landry. I held my tongue when you were just a little underachieving kissass sophomore at Dillon High School. But now you’re a full grown adult and you need to hear some real world truths. Sit down for this:

1. Crucifictorious is not a speed metal band. Stop telling Tyra that to impress her. You are just a regular ol’ shitty metalcore band.
2. Christian metalcore is the worst thing that’s ever happened to music.
3. Jocks don’t play music, bro. If you want to be serious about your shitty band, go tell Coach Taylor that you quit the team. Then go write songs about how jocks suck.
4. Your murder storyline was the only thing worse than your band.
5. Do you have Tami Taylor’s phone number and does she like music bloggers? Just curious.

Sorry, Landry. It had to be said. But good luck on Parenthood. See if you can get through at least one series without killing someone.