Yesterday, blink-182, who are apparently still a band in 2015, treated their fans like the children of divorced parents they sang about on “Stay Together for the Kids”—pitting members against each other, making conflicting passive aggressive statements, and bringing up repressed feelings that will continue to stunt fans’ emotional growth long into their adult years.
First, after bassist Mark Hoppus and drummer Travis Barker announced that blink-182 would be playing Musink Festival in March with Alkaline Trio’s goth-hunk Matt Skiba on guitar, they issued a pretty shade-heavy press release about guitarist Tom Delonge, saying, “We were all set to play this festival and record a new album and Tom kept putting it off without reason. A week before we were scheduled to go in to the studio we got an email from his manager explaining that he didn’t want to participate in any Blink-182 projects indefinitely, but would rather work on his other non-musical endeavors.” Those non-musical endeavors probably being Angels & Airwaves.
So it was looking like blink-182 was going on without Delonge for the time being, with Skiba filling in. Then, Delonge responded (via an Instagram of the Tron guy obviously) that he never quit the band. He even doubled down with this tweet:
— Tom DeLonge (@tomdelonge) January 26, 2015
And then at night (oh god yesterday was a long day for blink-182 bullshit drama), Hoppus and Barker, who seem like the sane ones in this scenario, did this interview with Rolling Stone, dropping some pretty palpable frustration on Delonge, calling him “ungrateful” and “disingenuous.”
It was a sad thing, really. Seeing three grown businessmen who made millions of dollars off of the image of being young, carefree best friends with a shared love of pop punk, bickering and namecalling while you listened with your ear pressed to the closed door of your high school bedroom.
Now look. We don’t profess to know exactly what goes on behind the scenes of America’s oldest crafters of boner jokes. But when your own band goes so far as to hire a replacement guitarist and issue a snide press release about it, that’s not a good sign that things are peachy. Especially when Delonge starts to come off like an ex who got dumped and is delusional about the fact that it’s over.
For what it’s worth, we would like to go on record as saying we are 100 percent Team Skiba in this whole thing. In this blink divorce, he’s kind of like the cool new guy your mom is dating who lets you play video games and buys you pizza. But if for some reason, Skiba can’t continue in blink, we’ve very thoughtfully put together this list of suggestions for guitarists who could replace Tom...
Matt Pike with blink-182, to scale.
– Well, for starters, he is the GUITAR SLAYINGEST MOTHERFUCKER ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH.
– His mere presence would scare the holy piss out of blink fans.
– Would refuse to wear self-promotional Stars & Straps/Macbeth/Atticus shirts because he subscribes to the whole “shirts are for pussies” philosophy.
– Too badass to be playing in a pop punk band. Band practice would go over like this:
MATT PIKE: OK, I wrote a new song that goes like this. [_plays 20-minute droning sludge riff inspired by Satan himself_]
MARK HOPPUS: Do you know “Dick Lips?”
PIKE: Do I know what?
HOPPUS: It’s a song about getting grounded by your mom! PIKE: [_sets building on fire and rides motorcycle through burning blaze back to hell_]
This 14-Year-Old Girl
– Would be cool to have a female presence in the band. Though they’d have to modify some of the lyrics so that it wouldn’t be weird when she’s singing about jacking off and ejaculating into socks.
– Her shredding puts Hoppus to shame.
Hatsune Miku (The Japanese Computer-Generated Vocaloid)
– Does not take up room on the tour bus—more room for Hoppus’ Star Wars collectibles.
– Can be pre-programmed to make scientifically air-tight dick puns and fart jokes.
– She never ages, a constant reminder to audiences that they are watching 42-year-old men play songs about being teenagers.
– Combine people’s ironic nostalgia for their high school mall punk phase with their current unironic boring adulthood love of hokey pop stars and you’ve got yourself a CASH MACHINE.
– She’s too punk.
One of Those Inflatable Dudes You See at Car Dealerships
– They are colorful and hilarious
– None. Those dudes rule.
– Yo-Yo Ma can play the everloving shit out of the cello. You ever see this motherfucker play the cello? Dude is a BOSS. You need some pensive cello music to soundtrack yourself looking at art and shit in a museum? This is your guy. You need some real sad cello shit playing while you sit and think about your dead dad? This guy right here.
– Doesn’t play guitar, only the cello.
– He definitely plays guitar. Not sure if you’ve heard, but Jack White plays guitar. You know how he’s always photographed playing guitar and giving interviews about his guitar and appearing on the cover of guitar rock magazines with his guitar to promote his upcoming guitar rock album with guitars? That’s because he plays guitar.
– Possibly too nerdy to be playing in blink-182, if possible.
– While stuck in record label limbo with Cash Money, Weezy ain’t doing shit right now. He’s got the time.
– Will help fulfill Barker’s lifelong dream of being in a rap group.
– While Lil Wayne has made some attempts at playing guitar, he sucks pretty hard at it. But like, come on, anyone can learn the “Dammit” intro.
– Sick guitarist. Maybe the best of all time.
– He’s dead. Dead people can’t play guitar. Bummer.
This Fucking Guy!!!
– Look at him. LOOK AT THIS GLORIOUS MOTHERFUCKER.
– Eventually, he is bound to be elected President of the United States and will have to quit the band.
– Desperately wants to be rich and is willing to wear whatever chain wallets, sideways hats, lip rings, or any other degrading thing the band wants.
– Literally has no shame, a prerequisite for being in blink-182.
– Owns guitar.
– Constantly making jokes about blink-182.
– Hasn’t listened to the band in over ten years.
– Kind of an asshole.
Dan Ozzi is on Twitter, awaiting that sweet, sweet offer to play "Adam's Song" - @danozzi