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Justin Bieber: Destined to Lose His Goddamn Mind

The internet made him. The internet will destroy him.

by Dan Ozzi, Eric Sundermann, and Drew Millard
Jun 5 2014, 2:55pm

Illustration by Alex Cook

Plenty of pop stars have lost their goddamn minds without the aid of the internet. Axl Rose, Billy Corgan, Courtney Love, Billy Corgan again, Michael Jackson—all went batshit well before the rise of social media. Hell, Elvis never even touched a computer and still managed to pop mountains of pills and put rounds of bullets into TVs. But the internet and all its amplifying power acts as a one-way fast track off the deep end. So it makes complete sense that Justin Bieber, the first mega-star literally created by the internet, would one day feel its viral wrath.

In a pair of videos released to TMZ this week, a respectively then-14-and-15-year-old Bieber can be witnessed telling a racist joke, as well as singing a parody of his song “One Less Lonely Girl” with its lyrics changed to include the n-word as well as a reference to joining the KKK. It’s shocking, given the sticky-sweetness of Bieber’s voice as well as how innocent he looks while saying the n-word a bunch of times. Bieber has since taken to Twitter to post an apology, saying, “Five years ago I made a reckless and immature mistake.”

These videos—and today's news that TMZ has been holding on to them in order to extort Bieber into working with them—prove that in a way, the Biebs was tragically fucked from the beginning. Being an ultra-star who’s had every second of his life documented, picked apart, and criticized is enough to make anyone crack. For years, the world has had a Truman Show-like view of Justin’s life, including his awkward journey through puberty, his first love, and his first racist viral video. And then his second. Many have hypothesized that these videos will be the beginning of the end of Justin’s career. Here, we examine all of the beginnings of the ends of Justin’s career...

Pissing in a Bucket and Yelling “Fuck Bill Clinton”

Last year, Justin and the rest of his Wild Kidz took a piss in a mop bucket in a restaurant kitchen and then yelled “fuck Bill Clinton” while spraying window cleaner on a photo of the former President. This isn’t that crazy, given that Karl Rove does this every week on Fox News. And really, who among us has not pissed in a bucket and cursed out a commander-in-chief? From peasant to celebrity, this is a time-honored American tradition. Billie Holiday was rumored to have routinely taken epic dumps in garbage cans while shouting, “Suck my balls, Warren G. Harding!”

Wearing Increasingly Saggy Drop Crotch Pants

“That’s why his drop-crotch pants are so big—they’re full of secrets!”

Owning a Leopard-Print Audi

If you have unlimited money, you might as well buy the stupidest fucking car possible. Such is the precept that Justin Bieber was following when purchasing his leopard-print Audi that he most famously drove away from Miley Cyrus’s domicile following a night of partying, because of course that happened.

Tweeting about Having the “Worst Birthday”

It was supposed to be a magical evening. Justin planned to spend his 19th birthday at London club Cirque du Soir with his friends. “Big night ahead,” he tweeted. But upon arrival, he and his posse were denied entry since many of his entourage, including Twitter shaman Jaden Smith, were only 14 years old. (Absolutely nothing weird about a 19-year-old who hangs out with eighth graders, by the way!) The crew left the high-end nightclub for London’s second-most upscale establishment, McDonald’s, before the paparazzi swarmed on them like the leeches they are. The #truebeliebers of Twitter quickly started an online support campaign with hashtags #worstday, #prayforjustin, and #beliebershatepaparazzi. Someday, they will realize that Justin made more money in the time it took him to tweet "worst birthday" than their parents do all year and get over it.

Puking Onstage

Whoever choreographed Justin’s 2012 US tour clearly wasn’t mindful of the fact that having a routine that requires running up and down a set of stairs in droop-crotch leather pants wasn’t the best idea. (Save that shit for the Rocky musical.) On one stop in Arizona, Bieber held it together for most of the song until losing his Tim Horton’s all over the stage. By some miracle, he was somehow able to simultaneously continue singing while puke was shooting out of his Biebhole.

Giving Away His Pet Hamster to Some Random Ultra-Fan (It Died)

Someone with as intense a public relations team as Justin Bieber should have anticipated that giving away his pet hamster, Pac—who had served as the official tour mascot for his Believe tour—to some random fan, who kept it alive for three more months before it met its demise, was a bad idea. Never mind the fact that hamsters don’t live very long, Justin Bieber inadvertently killed the shit out of Pac.

The Monkey Debacle

Pac, the adorable, now-dead hamster wasn’t the only animal Justin Bieber abandoned. While trying to burn down Europe by smoking pot in all of it, Justin Bieber took it upon himself to adopt a pet monkey named Mally, only to dump it at the German border because he didn’t have the proper paperwork. Instead of retrieving said paperwork, Biebs said “fuck it” and asked the German Monkey Police (or whatever) to find a good home for Mally. This is the very definition of deadbeat dad-dom.

This Picture

That is all.

Related: Drowning Not Waving: The Slow and Bitter End of Lady Gaga's Career

Arrest Number One: The Eggs

Justin Bieber lives in Calabasas, an elite rich-people town near Los Angeles. In said Calabasas home, he is said to throw lots of parties and not have a particularly winning rapport with his neighbors. Which is to say, on January 9 of this year, it’s alleged that he egged the dick off his neighbor’s house. His neighbor then called the police, who searched Bieber’s home and found a white, powdery substance that was either cocaine or a weird combination of MDMA and Xanax. Because he is the biggest pop star in the world, the drugs were attributed to Bieber’s friend Lil Za, who assumedly jumped a rank or two in the feudal system of Bieber weed carriers.

Arrest Number Two: The DUI

Around 4 AM in Miami on January 24, police pulled over Justin Bieber, who ended up being under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, and Xanax. At the time, the star was allegedly indulging in the time-honored tradition of illegal street racing, and upon the realization he was about to be arrested, indulged in the time-honored tradition of resisting arrest. Somehow, his father Jeremy, who’s recently been seen partying with his son, was involved, but who gives a shit. In jail, he was made to pee (video footage of him peeing—in non-bucket form—exists, if you care), did push-ups, and was then released in a very celebrity-ish manner.

Arrest Number Three: The Limo Driver Assault Thingy

Going for the arrest hat trick in January, on January 29 in the Year of Our Lord 2014, Justin Bieber turned (turnt?) himself into Toronto police for assaulting a limo driver in the early morning of December 30. Allegedly, Bieber bopped the dude in the head while getting a ride home from a club. The driver (again, allegedly) hopped out of the limo and called the police. This one sounds kind of bizarre and probably false, but on the other hand, if you’re a limo driver, pick up Justin Bieber, and wind up getting assaulted, don’t say you weren’t warned.

The Dad Weed Plane Incident

From the looks of it, Justin Bieber’s 38-year-old dad Jeremy is basically Justin Bieber, minus the talent and plus the shamelessness that it takes to mooch off your own son. While Jeremy Bieber was reportedly absent for the majority of his childhood, he came back around recently to be the bro-dad best friend his son didn’t need. Jeremy Bieber was, again, present for his son’s Miami street racing arrest, and the pair allegedly hot-boxed an entire plane in the name of father-son bonding. Police were summoned upon the plane’s landing, but after detaining the Biebers and searching the plane, they found nothing and were forced to let the plane’s passengers go. Why didn’t they find anything? Oh, I don’t know, PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY SMOKED ALL OF THE WEED ON THE PLANE.

Not Knowing the Word “German”

Yes, this reporter’s Kiwi accent is pretty thick and yes, this is a stupid question, but come on, 16 is old enough to know the word “German.”

The Most Hilariously Dickish Deposition of All Time

When Justin had to give his deposition in connection with a battery lawsuit filed by a photographer, his lawyers—as lawyers do—likely told him to act “aloof.” But much like “German” and “self-aware,” “aloof” is a word that just isn’t in Justin Bieber’s vocabulary. If there was an Oscar category for “Best Use of Smug Dickbaggery in a Deposition,” Justin would be on stage thanking his producers and Jesus right now. While wearing your aunt Linda’s favorite blazer, Bieber makes a mockery of everything—Australia, Katie Couric, Usher, the word “film”—it’s all one big joke until Selena Gomez is mentioned THEN IT’S NOT FUNNY AND DON’T ASK HIM ABOUT HER AGAIN.

Lil Wayne and Scooter Braun Battling for Justin’s Soul

As pop stars grow up, they become able to think for themselves. They seek autonomy. Their mean, bad managers realize that autonomy is bad for business. This leads to tension between their new, non-manager-approved best friend Lil Twist and their manager Scooter Braun (the “they” we're referring to is Justin Bieber, duhhhhh). This then leads to Lil Twist’s big homie Lil Wayne declaring, “I heard this bitchass nigga Scooter talkin' shit about my little brother. Nigga, this my motherfuckin' brother. Anything you got to say, when you see me say it to my motherfuckin' face. And if you do happen to say it to my motherfuckin' face, I ain't gonna make you eat them words nigga. I'mma put them bitches on your tombstone." The video has since been taken to “Private” on YouTube, but, yeah, that’s what it said.


Getting Profiled in GQ and Calling Himself a “Swaggy Adult”

GQ correspondent Drew Magary flew out to Los Angeles to help introduce Justin into “manhood.” For the piece, the magazine went with the headline, “Man Up, Bieber,” which pissed a lot of people off but problematic gendering aside, the profile was one of the first looks for the mainstream into how this dude really lives like he's on another planet. “He’s like Luke Skywalker,” Magary wrote of being in his presence. “If Luke Skywalker had a perfume line.” Magary originally wanted to box Bieber, but his team obviously would not let this happen, so they instead ended up playing pool and he was quiet with his responses, yet slightly combative. He talked of how he can’t trust anyone. He talked of how the world is out to get him. He talked of how he doesn’t lose control when he drinks. All of this was (and still is) true (except for the drinking part), but then he ended the interview in one of the most memorable and memeable fashions. “I’m 18 years old and I’m a swaggy adult!” he yells, while peacing out with his friends to go listen to new music. “Come on, swaggy bros!” #swaggy

Posting an Insane Rant to Instagram Refuting that He’s Going to Rehab

Noisey already once published a close reading of this Instagram note, but it’s been over awhile since that published so let’s revisit. It’s pretty simple, really. Dude posted a pretty fucking insane letter to his fans riddled with typos and unclear messages. Here’s an excerpt: “if Anyone believes i need rehab thats their own stupidity lol I’m 19 with 6 number one albums, 19 and I’ve seen the whole world. 19 and I’ve accomplished more than I could’ve ever dreamed of, i’m 19 and it must be scary to some people that this is just the beginning.” I don’t think we really need to get into it any further than that.

Hoping Anne Frank “Would Have Been a Belieber”

While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam—which, if you forgot, is THE HOUSE THAT ANNE FRANK HID FROM THE NAZIS IN—Biebervelli wrote in the museum’s guest book, “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” This is not the message most people would have taken from visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, but then again most people are not the world’s biggest pop star who’s the epicenter of an economy that dwarfs most third-world countries.

Visiting a Shrine to Japanese War Criminals and Apologizing to the Wrong Country

As proven by the whole “German”/Anne Frank debacles, geography and world history are not the Biebs’ strong suits, unlike, say, swooping hair out of his face which he is the Michael Fucking Jordan of. While in Tokyo, Justin visited a controversial shrine which is said to honor Japanese WWII war criminals. He then clarified that—wait, hold on a second. Justin, you’re a teenage billionaire. You’re in Japan and you visit some dusty old historical site? Go drink a shit-ton of sake and get your fuck on with a super authentic sex robot or something. Anyways, Korean fans got understandably pissed off by the controversial visit from world delegate Justin Bieber. So he later apologized on Instagram… to China: “To anyone I have offended I am extremely sorry. I love you China and I love you Japan." Canada and the US then raced to claim “no backsies” on Bieber.

Doing Bad Things in Brazil

These bad things include, but are not limited to, getting arrested for writing graffiti on the side of a hotel, catching shit for using racist imagery in said graffiti (see above, because Jesus Christ), leaving a brothel wrapped in a gigantic sheet, and getting filmed sleeping by an altogether different prostitute after a party at his rented Brazil-mansion. So that’s what we mean when we say he was doing bad things in Brazil.

Making Beliebers Out of Metallica

When the members of Metallica admitted that they are Beliebers in an interview with Q Magazine, it probably lost them more fans than Load and Reload combined. So way to ruin Metallica, Bieber.

Booking a Flight to Space

When eccentric billionaire Richard Branson opened the doors for an intergalactic space program, Virgin Galactic, naturally, Justin signed right the fuck up. In the future, making plans to go to outer space will be commonplace. But in 2014, it is reserved for only the most narcissistic of celebrities who think they are literally above life on Earth.

Punching a Photographer

While on a date with then-girlfriend Selena Gomez (RIP Jelena!), Bieber allegedly smacked a paparazzo for interfering with his time with his girlfriend. Which, to be fair, is completely justifiable and fuck that photographer for being annoying. If you got your picture taken unwantedly every single day it’d drive you slowly insane, too.

Sucking a Stripper’s Boobs with Khalil Sharieff

A picture is worth a thousand pairs of boobs (and two thousand bros sucking on those boobs).

Maybe or Maybe Not Spitting on Fans

One day in July 2013, Justin Bieber woke up and walked out on his balcony and found a bunch of screaming fans. This is probably something that happens on a regular basis, and honestly, it’s probably annoying as shit because they’re probably loud as hell and dude is no question really hungover on the regular. Anyway, on said day, he decided to start spitting on his fans with his friends. It was captured on film—literal spit coming out of his mouth—but his rep later denied it, saying that there weren’t fans “directly below the balcony.” So it seems like he just spit in the general direction of his fans, but maybe it didn’t land on his fans.

Having Beef with Seth Rogen

Back in January, Seth Rogen tweeted what we were all thinking tweeting, that “Justin Bieber is a piece of shit.” It has since been retweeted an unbeliebable 204,000+ times:

He did preface it with “all jokes aside” though, which clearly was not a reference to The Guilt Trip, which was completely devoid of all jokes. Rogen then quadrupled down on the remarks, repeating them in interviews with Andy Cohen, Howard Stern, Matt Lauer, and Jon Stewart. Justin eventually very piece of shittily apologized for not “bowing down” to Rogen and honestly this is the lamest celeb beef in history. You guys are both huge stoners. Get blazed together and work it out, bros:

The Google Search “Justin Bieber Segway”

Just do it. Trust us.

Attempting to Participate in the BET Hip-Hop Awards Cyphers

In 2011, Justin Bieber started dropping freestyles like his pockets were really full of freestyles and he couldn’t walk around without some freestyles spilling out of his drop-crotch pants. This led, perhaps inevitably, to Bieber asking kindly if he could drop a hot 16 during the BET Hip-Hop Awards cyphers. DJ Premier, who was curating the cyphers, said “nah” to this, both because this would have been absurd, and Bieber wanted Ludacris to write his verse for him.

Suffering a Concussion from Running Into a Glass Wall

Part of you has got to feel a little bad for making fun of the kid for running into a glass wall and giving himself a concussion because we’ve all done some dumb shit in the past and because he seems to have a good sense of humor about it all, but the other part of you is like, man, you ran into a glass wall and gave yourself a concussion.

Dan Ozzi, Drew Millard, and Eric Sundermann are all on Twitter, eagerly awaiting the assuredly civil and level-headed responses from #truebeliebers.

Also check out:

A Comprehensive History of Justin Bieber Rapping

I Stalked Justin Bieber to Find Out if He's Terrorizing Rich People

We Interviewed Beliebers at a Justin Bieber Concert

Op-Ed: Do Not Model Your Professional Life after Justin Bieber

A Brief History of Billy Corgan Losing His Goddamn Mind

A Brief History of Billy Corgan Losing His Goddamn Mind Since the Last Brief History of Billy Corgan Losing His Goddamn Mind

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