How to Get Your Boyfriend to Wash His Dick
Artist Jaik Puppyteeth answers all your embarrassing sex and relationship questions—from dating sober to personal hygiene.
All illustrations by the author
I have a long history of being a nosy person, and offering my opinion to people who sometimes aren't really asking for it. This extends to a lot of topics, but one of my favorites to butt into is other peoples' relationships. So I decided to reach out to my loving fan base on Twitter and Instagram to see if I could actually give some solicited advice for a change and answer some sex and relationship questions.
I should preface this with saying that if your submission is one that I've answered below, please take my advice lightly. If you're reading this and you think that what I've said can apply to a situation that you're in, just know that I'm one of the most jaded, lonely, and cynical people you'll ever encounter. Now, with all my potential guilt assuaged, here we go:
OK, I feel like this is a super fucked up situation, but a while ago before my partner and I were sexually open, he cheated on me (water under the bridge), but now the guy who he cheated on me with keeps messaging me and wants to "hang out." Now I'm torn between feeling the satisfaction of rejecting this guy, or feeling the satisfaction of having the equal experience as my partner.
Oh my god, what a predicament. That's more power than I'd like to have. There are a couple of scenarios I can suggest. Basically, it boils down to whether or not the open relationship you're in requires disclosing to your partner who you sleep with, and if he'd get weird about you sleeping with the person he cheated on you with. Because it feels like fucking this person would be for a half-vendetta (which is hot) but if it's going to cause a rift in your relationship that's too big to repair, it's not worth it.
If everyone is chill and mature and it's not just everyone having a kink for unnecessary drama, have some casual sex with the guy. It could help bring some closure to the cheating situation. But you said it was water under the bridge, right? ;)
Dearest Puppyteeth; I have two lovers. One we'll call Soft & Tender, the other is Rough & Rowdy. They both know about each other (I started to see S&T during some planned time away from R&R). Every time I leave R&R's I'm covered in bruises. I feel weird having S&T see me all marked up, but I also don't want to miss out on terrific spankings. Do you have any advice?
Hey! I sound like both of these people, depending on how much Domino's I've eaten before the hookup.
Do you feel weird about the bruising because S&T has brought up being put off by it, or just personally? If you definitely don't want to be bruised when you see S&T, it might just be an annoying game of staggering your dates with each partner. Also, I am a fan of full disclosure. Explain to S&T that you like getting spanked and your other partner likes to spank you, and that it doesn't impact or affect the quality of your sex with them, and if they can't wrap their head around that, maybe just find a second R&R and get spanked double.
How do I tell my boyfriend he needs to wash his dick without hurting his feelings?
There probably isn't really a way to tell him that won't hurt his feelings to some degree. Whenever I've had to mention it to a guy, I always aim to bring it up as casually as possible. Instead of having shower sex every time, just say something like, "Hey, do you mind washing up before we start, I like it fresh down there." If he can't understand your standards of hygiene without getting insulted, he's not worth keeping around. Honestly, the equation washing dick=getting dick sucked shouldn't be too tough to grasp.
My new partner is entirely sober while I'm not. They'd been sober a few years before they met me, and continue to maintain their sobriety through going to meetings, taking medication, having sponsors, etc, and most of their close friends are also sober. I don't struggle with addiction, but I'm not at all close to sobriety, and neither are my friends. I absolutely don't pressure them to do anything, and they say that me not being sober doesn't at all bother them, but in the back of my mind I still kind of worry it might be a deal breaker at some point. Can this relationship work in the long haul?
I chose this one because I am sober, so I feel like I might have some actual insight into this. Every person is different in their sobriety. I have sober friends who don't hang out with non-sober people. Most of my friends still party, and it's something I've adjusted to. From what I've read, you're just going to have to trust your partner when they tell you they're okay with you not being sober. They have a few years under their belt, and probably have a good bearing on their triggers. If they say you aren't one, you have no reason to not believe them.
Taking that into account, I would still try to be respectful from your side, and considerate of their sobriety. I say this because I have had partners who weren't sober and it wasn't an issue until I saw them too fucked up one too many times. I'm not saying hide who you are, but just stay cognizant of whether the inebriated you is someone they want to be around, or if you should censor yourself for the sake of the relationship. Trust that they'll raise concerns if they arise, and let them know you expect that from them.
Well, that concludes this installment of my advice column. As long as people keep getting into sticky situations and asking me about them, I'm down to keep responding on a really public forum. What could possibly go wrong?