Uncle Sam Wants Your Lightbulbs

I'm going to be completely honest with you. I don't give a shit about the environment. I just think it's super douchey to carry around canvas bags that say lame junk like, "trees please!" And I am completely over people who ride their bikes instead of drive cars. Unless they have DUIs, in which case they love to party and are OK by me.

The world is going to end in 2012 anyway, what's the point? And if it doesn't, I'll be six feet under before the shit hits the fan, so when I throw the plastic rings from my Coors Light six pack onto the street, it really isn't my problem. Not now. Not never.

When I heard that the government was going to start regulating light bulb use in order to help save the environment, I was very upset. This is so insane to me. My immediate concern was if I would still be allowed to buy black lights to show off my velvet House of Pain poster, because that is the focal point of my windowless bedroom.

Even though I don't have a window, Uncle Sam is still going to find a way to reach in and take my light bulb away.

In 2007, George W. Bush passed the Energy Independence and Security Act, which stated, among other things, that our light bulb situation was fucked and that we needed to update it. Don't sign the Kyoto Protocol or anything; and it's totally cool to surface mine the tops of mountains to score coal, which poisons everything below them.

Light bulbs are the key to preserving the planet. Basically, incandescent lights are clogging up our landfills and it needs to stop, so by January 1st of next year, 100 watt bulbs won't exist anymore. I hope you're not too attached to 40 watts either, because they're history January 1, 2014. Outlawed.

I never really cared about light bulbs because I think Thomas Edison was a big time dick. You make all kinds of money off the telegraph and then refuse to pay Tesla and trash talk him all over town? No friend of mine.

Actually, light bulbs are kind of interesting. They're currently sold according to wattage, which measures the amount of electricity consumed, but soon you will be looking at lumens to find out how bright the bulb is instead.

For example, a fluorescent bulb running on five to 30 watts would be equally as bright as an incandescent bulb that uses 25 to 100 watts. Plus LEDs and fluorescent bulbs last a million times longer, which means less garbage.

Aside from the fact that this is horribly intrusive, some of these new light bulbs contain mercury. Just imagine you're having a fight with your boyfriend and you want to show him who's boss, so you smash a fluorescent bulb with your fist. You'd better get used to closing the room off for fifteen minutes while the mercury disperses. Talk about a hassle. And towns will have to buy special machines to crush these bulbs by using negative pressure, then absorb the mercury vapor in special filters. Double hassle.

These light bulbs also dim over time. So even though they last eight to 15 times longer than incandescents, by the end of the line you're pretty much sitting in the dark. This is an issue for me. I have some "plants" growing in my closet that need consistent light.

You probably didn't think I was a hustler, but I am. I'm just trying to get a piece of the action like everybody else, so when you fuck with my light bulbs, you're fucking with my wallet, and I am not okay with that.

Anyway. I get it. You think light bulbs are boring and who cares right? Well this is just the government getting it's foot in the door while everybody looks the other way. First it's light bulbs, and the next thing you know we all have to wear the same clothes and eat the same dinner every night. I mean, I can live with this as long as I can still get some form of a black light, I just thought I'd give everybody else a heads up. You're welcome.