This Week in Food Porn: Bagels and Beef Heart

Ah Valentine's Day. Or, to quote my Indian grandmother, "Rudolph Valentino's Day"—the fine dining equivalent of a cricket bat to the 'nads.

But don't be put off that restaurant booking by the swarms of amateurs nibbling their way through an overcooked steak squatting under a heart-shaped pat of butter, for ours is a greater love: a love of carbs and starch, of grape and grain, of fruit and trouser vegetables.

Whatever your relationship status, V Day is a time to chow down on the good stuff and here, by the power of Instagram scrolling, is the very best and most romantic food offerings uploaded to the internet this week.

Oh ye! who have your eyeballs vexed and tired, feast them upon the wildness of this food.

Рецепт на andychef.ru У меня есть для вас кое что потрясающее! Десерт, сложность приготовления которого настолько мала, что в конце возникает только один вопрос - а что, уже закончили?! Десерт, эмоции от которого будут играть в вашем сердце ещё долго после того, как вы его попробуете. Десерт, внешний вид которого невевает романтичекие воспоминания и идеи. Десерт, который вскружит голову любому, а за вторую порцию можно будет требовать что угодно взамен. Десерт, который самым идеальным способом совмещает в себе разные текстуры, вкусы и даже цвета. Знакомьтесь, это тарт Valentino. Небольшое порционное пирожное, с тончайшей хрустящей базой, внутри которой прячется невероятно нежная и в то же время плотная начинка с волшебным лаймовым вкусом, а сверху шапка из воздушного более сладкого ванильного крема с белым шоколадом. Тарт настолько гармонично собран, что у вас не возникнет желания разбирать его составляющие, будет казаться, что это что-то единое, дарящее разные вкусы, плотности и ароматы. Определённо, вы не сможете остановиться на одной порции, и уж точно ваши любимые запомнят навсегда тот день, когда вы познакомили их с этим блаженством! Кто-то будет рассказывать детям о том, как благодаря Valentino услышал заветное "Да!" или "Я тебя люблю!"… Что нового? Взбитый ганаш - особый крем, который идеально подходит для начинки (например, Шу, эклеры и подобные пирожные), а также для декорирования изделий. Ещё будет запекаемая начинка, стабилизируемая желтками - что-то похожее на крем-брюле, и по вкусу и по консистенции, но совершенно уникальное по сути. Сложность:

A photo posted by Андрей Рудьков (@darkzip) on Feb 11, 2016 at 9:08pm PST

Man hath no greater love than he who covers a red flotation quoit with Midget Gems, some red talcum powder, and a couple of big sticks. Go on then love, put the kettle on. After all, we're all going to get old one day.

[CONTESTTIME] Tag two of your friends, on Facebook too, for a chance to win a gift certificate @thursdaysmontreal. We draw on Monday, and guess what? That's when they have 1$ #oysters!!! #MtlFoodDivas #MontrealFoodDivas A photo posted by Montreal Food Divas (@mtlfooddivas) on Feb 11, 2016 at 1:41pm PST

What's that? A round of snot globules in a hard blue shell, covered in citric acid? Someone call the boner police because I think I just witnessed a grievous bodily aphrodisiac.

Cupid's Arrows make the cutest Valentines treat!!! #cupidsarrow #fruit #valentines #sweettreat #food #boymama #momofboys

A photo posted by Tennille (@frugalista_mamas) on Feb 11, 2016 at 11:54pm PST

Nice try with your "Cupid's Arrows," pal but I know a strawberry bellend on a string of anal beads when I see one.

#Heartshapedbagels at #bagelsandbeans #bagels #valentines A photo posted by msmwape (@msmwape) on Feb 11, 2016 at 11:53pm PST

My love of boiled and baked bread knows no bounds. It is timeless and endless, it is sometimes sprinkled in poppy seeds and sometimes adorned with onion. My love of boiled and baked bread knows no bounds. It is an everlasting, heavenly union.

Passionfruit Chocolate Gâteaux… #passionfruit #with #darkchcolate #ganache #pastrychef #pastrylife #pastryporn

A photo posted by @edward_nicolas on Feb 7, 2016 at 5:30am PST

Dark chocolate contains phenylethylamine, which increases your serotonin levels. I mean, that's just science. That's just straight up, unequivocal, cannot-be-denied internet science. And passion fruit? Well, you know, it sounds a bit like, um, passion?

Good morning Friday!! ❤️ #goodmorning #friday #almosttheweekend #love #hearts #aniversary #valentines #valentinesweekend # A photo posted by Dawn (@dawny_bermingham) on Feb 11, 2016 at 11:53pm PST

Being single's wicked isn't it? All that jam. All that sweet 90s party jam. Who needs a life-sized, human-shaped hot water bottle and a vibrator when you've got a packet of heart-shaped jam, right? Who needs companionship, romance, love, and affection when you can bite through three centimetres of hot buttered wheat and a smear of strawberry ooze?

Swizzels Love Hearts

A photo posted by Anna (@annahubmann) on Feb 12, 2016 at 12:17am PST

Will you "Spoil" some "Good Pals" while screaming, "Be Mine! Be Mine! All Mine!" into the careless, inky night; your mouth frothing with a rabid fountain of coloured sherbet, your tears streaked with food colouring, the mournful refrain of, "True Love, True Love, True Lips" dropping from your tongue like rain?

Good Morning from Cape Town, SA!After a super long trip I arrived safely in beautiful South Africa. It's like 30 degrees here and I love it! And let me tell you- the food and wine here is so incredibly good!I This was the breakfast I had before I left- it's "Hot Strawberries, homemade Cacao-Chia Rawnola, Peanut-Vanillabutter & Banana-Vanillaicecrem topped with another dollop of Peanut Butter, Pomegranate & Pana Chocolate." A combo of flavors I could eat every single day! Thank you all again so very much for entering my #nadiadamas_ebnl88k party!❤️ It's been great to come across so many beautiful accounts! You guys keep inspiring me every day on the new and are the reason that I can do what I love and am so passionate about! Sending much love (warmth & sun) from CT! Today's calling for massages and winery tours! xx Nadia A photo posted by Ｎａｄｉａ Ｄａｍａｓｏ (@nadiadamaso_ebnl) on Feb 10, 2016 at 11:13pm PST

"I keep it in a jar, you know." Literally the most romantic words you can hear over breakfast. You can be in a lay-by, hiding under a foil blanket, beside a truck driver with a tattoo of Kim Jong II across his buttocks, and—were he to produce this kind of breakfast—you'd fall in love. Guaranteed. Guaran-fecking-teed.

Take flight: Join us in Miami on 02-20 for the Second Annual #VCCarnaval Clicquot Carnaval Package and General Admission tickets are still available at ClicquotCarnaval.com

A photo posted by Veuve Clicquot (@veuveclicquot) on Feb 9, 2016 at 9:28am PST

What better emblem of Valentine's Day could there possibly be than one-legged, mudflat-nesting shrimp eaters that, to quote everybody's favourite online encyclopedia: "display to each other by stretching their necks upwards, then uttering calls while head-flagging, and then flapping their wings"? After all, the "displays do not seem to be directed towards an individual but instead occur randomly." Random displays of flagging and flapping—that's my dating technique. That's it in a nutshell.

Have a HEART this Valentine's Day and spoil your valentine with the best meat in Jones County! #theknightbutcher #iliveinlaurel #beefheart A photo posted by The Knight Butcher (@theknightbutcher) on Feb 3, 2016 at 11:30am PST

That's right. It's a heart. A giant, unbeating, bloody heart ripped untimely from the chest of a cow. Happy Valentine's Day, gang. Be careful what you wish for.