Reggaeton There’s a coin-op carwash across the street from my house where homies and homiettes wash cars at all living hours. I seriously saw a dude washing his car at 12:01 AM on New Year’s last year. This space is used as a forum for flexing their rides’ systems to the hottest jams this city’s hip-hop and R&B radio has to offer. Before I realized that reggaeton was a style of music where different artists offer their interpretations of a single groove, I was convinced that everyone in my neighborhood just all liked the same song. Chicago Chicago’s near-patented brand of blistering 70s horn-rock put Chicago on the fucking map. You’ll stop laughing the second you revisit “25 or 6 to 4.” Go listen—we’ll wait here. See? That song is untouchable! There was even a place up on Fullerton Avenue by DePaul University called Demon Dogs that was a completely Chicago-themed hot dog joint. Add a visit to the time-machine to-do list. R. Kelly Everything’s been said that needs to be said about Trapped in the Closet. Yes, it’s a fucking masterpiece, but let’s move past that and examine Kels a bit more thoroughly. I had a pal in town from Seattle who had NO IDEA homeboy was on trial for pissing on an underage girl. Did this information ever leave Chicago?! It certainly didn’t affect the loyal listeners at WGCI who requested R every hour on the hour during the entire thing. And his records still topped the damn charts—even with songs about sex weed! This has officially become outsider music of the highest caliber. Throw away those terrible Jandek records ASAP and replace them with the Pied Piper. They’re waaaaay sweeter to party to and about ten times harder to wrap your head around. Alt Country Alt Country is a fucking drag, but it’s gigantor in this jank-town. The line outside of the Old Town School of Folk Music on concert night is so deep you’d think it was an unemployment line for dot.com failures. There is some serious Deadhead-sticker-on-a-Cadillac shit going on here. If any of your pals tells you the new Wilco is great, turn your back on them just like they did to music. IN DA CLUBS
These are the venues where most bands you’d care about play: Empty Bottle (1035 N Western Ave, 773-276-3600) You’re here at least once every two weeks. The bartenders are rad, drinks are cheap, sound is decent, and their photo booth is Chicago’s favorite spot for first-base achievement. Not bad, Empty Bottle; not bad. The Hideout (1354 W Wabansia Ave, 773-227-4433) Who knew you could have a slammin’ dance party in your weird uncle’s basement? Abbey Pub (3420 W Grace St, 773-478-4408) The lamest. It has a Medieval vibe with fake castle stone painted on the walls, which could be awesome, but comes off about as hard as Shrek and his pals covering Monkees tunes. Schuba’s (3159 N Southport Ave, 773-525-2508) This place would have a higher rating if the crowd wasn’t total dorksville. Typical Schuba’s patron uniform: A “live-music junkie” t-shirt from SXSW (or “South By,” as the douche will invariably call it) ’94 and Seinfeld jeans. Subterranean (2011 W North Ave, 773-278-6600) Not a bad spot. They have this upper level where you can look over the stage that gives it a pit-fighting feel (which could get interesting if drinks were cheaper). Metro (3730 N Clark St, 773-549-0203) Gross. Riviera Theatre (4746 N Racine Ave, 773-275-6800) Vic Theatre (3145 N Sheffield Ave, 773-472-0366) Both places are too big to get lost in the jams, but occasionally a rad reunion show will come through, or some band you dig will have a radio hit and you’ll have to tough it out. Logan Square Auditorium (2539 N Kedzie Blvd, 773-252-6179) At this point, the best spot to see a band that’s too big for the Empty Bottle. Aragon (1106 W Lawrence Ave) Like putting a My First Sony boombox onstage, turning the volume to four and hitting play in front of thousands of douchebags. SUGGESTED RECORD SHOPS Reckless (3161 N Broadway St, 773-404-5080 and 1532 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-235-3727) Gross, we just “suggested” Reckless. Go here, realize why, and get away from Chicago. Dusty Groove (1120 N Ashland Ave) Legendary online shop gone public. Epic selection of hip-hop, funk, soul, jazz, weirdo rock stuff, and world jams (world as in good, not as in David Byrne). Gramaphone (2843 N Clark St) Really sweet dance-music shop with beat-heads like no place on earth. One time we cruised by here after getting hammered at brunch trying to find the gayest house music in the world. We asked the guy for whatever 12-inch had the most kissing and flash-bulb sound effects, and he found us eight to chose from. Gemm.com and eBay Ugh, we give up. Chicago fucking sucks for records.