A Bullshitter’s Guide to Getting an All Access Pass

You do not need to live life as a peasant in GA.

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Oct 1 2016, 5:04pm

Photo by Katrin Braga, makeup by Kelseyanna Fitzpatrick, styling by Rhi Blossom

This story originally appeared on VICE Canada.

Every good turn up starts with a struggle and there's no way I'm going to enter a party or festival with anything less than an AA (all access) wristband. My parents did not baptize me in the sacred Ganges River and flee to America during the India-Pakistan partition for me to be treated like a mere peasant in GA (general admission). I strongly believe we accept the level of VIP we deserve, so being a delusional THOT has been extremely instrumental in my success in getting backstage.

Being VIP isn't all fun and games. You need to study. You need to live, breathe, and sleep like a VIP.

Step 1: Study the Lineup

Who's on the lineup for the club or festival? Pick one person on the lineup whose guest list you are going to say you're on. Make sure you know everything about them; how they look, where they're from, their day to day manager's name, their tour manager's name, booking agent, photographer's name, etc. Be prepared for anything. Study at least two or three people on the lineup in case one of them falls through.

Guestlist Life Hack: Make sure the person is famous, but not too famous. If it's a festival lineup, don't pick anyone who is from the city the festival is in as their guestlist will be too full, don't pick anyone who is really thotty like Diplo (unless you are me in 2011), and don't pick anyone who is a loner and doesn't interact with fans on social media.

Step 2: The Look

For me, it's not that hard, because I look famous as fuck and luckily I believe my own lies, and so does everyone else. I like to go big and bold. Daring patterns or bright colours, look expensive, but not like you're trying to look expensive. Bring sunglasses and a hoodie, just in case you need to fake hide from the papz and fans. And for lack of a better word, just don't fucking look basic.

Step 3: Pull Up

As you pull up to the venue, really get into character, put on your hoodie, sunglasses, and whatever you need to do to really feel yourself and play the part of a VIP. If you're at a festival, there will be a lot of security around, so make sure they know you're important. Ask a few security people where the artist's entrance is as you duck and cover your face so no "fans" catch a glimpse of you and immediately bombard you for photo requests.

Step 4: Moment of Truth

Revelation 21:21, finessing your way through the pearly white gates of guestlist. Will you have to repent for your scamming ways in GA or receive forgiveness for your sins in AA? As you approach the guestlist gods, be confident. Don't show any hesitation.

Me: I'm on the guestlist


Them: Whose guestlist are you on?

Me: *shows ID* (insert irrelevant EDM DJ's name here)
Them: Don't see you here.
Me: Hmm, that's strange (insert tour manager's name), said I should be good. Could you text him? I think there must be a mistake. *Stand looking disappointed, but not angry*

(Be cooperative and patient, but look slightly agitated like it's their mistake)

Them: Give me one second.
Me: You could also call (someone from the company who's throwing the festival's name), I asked really last-minute for guestlist because I thought I'd be out of town for a show, but it got cancelled.
Them: I'm so sorry about that, you should be good. *Hands you VIP wristband*
Me: Wait, I'm sorry, I was supposed to receive an all-access pass.
Them: It actually doesn't say that here.
Me: Well, I should have all-access.
Them: Sorry, I can only give you VIP.

OK. So in this scenario, if you don't receive all-access, it's OK, for now. But don't settle for just VIP or a media pass; there's not many times in my life that I will reference Meek Mill, because of the giant L he took from Drake, but in this case I will make an exception, "It's levels to dis shit."

It's ok to walk in with a VIP wristband, but do not accept it as your eternal fate. VIP is an abbreviation for "very important person," but your goal is to be the most important person. As you walk around the venue, scope out the AA entrance, but don't make any hasty decisions you will regret or that will get you kicked out, from personal experience getting kicked out is not that fun, but I will say, in hindsight, it makes for a good story and as a real journalist, I'll do anything for a good story, even get kicked out of the best country ever! Usually the security inside the venue isn't very smart or doesn't give a fuck. Walk up to the AA entrance and just flash any kind of random pass/come prepared with a fake laminated pass that says "Artist" on it and walk in like you are in a rush, hiding from fans and about to play on the mainstage. You can even go the extra mile and ask some random people to come up to you and pretend they want to take pictures with you, but make sure the security is looking, for the scam to be successful. And if all else fails, if you are not below sexual favours, neither am I.

If you can't execute these four easy steps flawlessly, you are probably incompetent and deserve to be a muggle in GA. But listen guys, don't feel discouraged if you don't immediately get escorted into AA like I usually do when I pull up, after all I am the finesse goddess and I wouldn't expect anyone to live up to my legendaryness.

Follow Chippy Nonstop on Twitter.

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