The 2030 Last-Minute Christmas Gift Guide

From a Tier 1 Zone Day Pass to see how the 1% lives to the final installment in the Marvel vs Star Wars saga—these are *the* gifts of 2030.
December 23, 2019, 4:28pm
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Image: Surian Soosay

Buying Christmas gifts for you friends, family, and loved ones is always hard—and after yet another turbulent year it looked like maybe it was finally time to just cancel the holidays! But things are finally looking up, and we can’t think of a better reason to celebrate.

With the ceasefires still holding in Texas and Idaho, clean(ish) water restored to almost half of Los Angeles, and—most importantly—Amazon confirming that yes, they will be restarting deliveries to Evac-Bill registered US citizens in most major FEMA Relocation Camps, there’s never been a better time to get in the festive spirit with a little retail therapy!

Whether you’re a Tier 1 high flier with a bonus to blow or an Unranked trying to make that final Freedom Dividends payment last ‘till January, we’ve got gift ideas to match all wallets and payday loan repayment strategies!

Tier 1 Zone Day Pass
From $199/day – restrictions apply, see below

Want to see how the other half lives? Well, I guess more accurately it’s the other 0.1%, but why get hung up on numbers? Grab a Tier 1 Day Pass from Darklake Security for a family member—and maybe one for yourself—and get a chance to explore parts of the city you’re never usually allowed to see! Want to hit the shops in Manhattan’s Hudson Yards? Have brunch under the Park Slope Climate Dome in Brooklyn? Take a stroll and check out the view from Pacific Heights in SF? With a Tier 1 Pass you can walk straight in to dozens of exclusive, restricted neighborhoods in cities around the world, no questions asked!*

Rub shoulders with the brilliant, beautiful, and financially solvent—who knows who you might bump into! And with the special Connect package deal, for just an extra 30 bucks, you can enjoy a whole day of Tier 1 internet access and surf like an influencer—stable connection, fast download speeds, nazi-free social media, data anonymity, and no pop-ups. Come and get a taste for the Tier 1 life—you’ll never look at your credit score again in the same way!

*Restrictions apply: Tier 1 Day Passes are available only to Evac-Bill registered US citizens. No exceptions. Security checks and infection tests must be completed before admittance to Tier 1 neighborhoods. All visitors must consent to wearing a tracking and monitoring device for the entire duration of their visit. Removal of the device, or breaking of any other laws or restrictions, will result in immediate imprisonment under the 2027 Emergency National Cohesion Act as it applies to Private Enforcement Contractors. Darklake Security Industries reserves the right to refuse or cancel entry at any time, without explanation.

B. W. Trump - Only The Hague Can Judge Me
$29.99 from Amazon on vinyl/CD, streaming available only in Tier 1 Certified Access Zones

It’s been a tough couple of years for Lil BazE: abuse and kidnapping allegations, paternity cases, alleged connections to the Jacksonville Separatist Army, and the reports that his father was refusing to let him visit him in prison—but the triple Grammy-winning rapper is back with the long awaited follow up to 2028’s Air Fucks One. And it does not disappoint.

From the drive-by swagger of "Spray It Don't Say It" through the hot under the collar bump n’ grind of "Shorty Put The Ride In Auto" to the emo soul baring of "Alone On The Gulfstream" every track on Only The Hague Can Judge Me is on point. This is the work of an artist at the top of his career, and one whose talents only shine more as the haters try to step up. With the breakout single"Cancel Culture" currently topping the charts on both sides of the 40th Parallel DMZ, it looks like B-dub has already delivered another hip-hop classic.

The Unlimited Dream Company Bespoke Crisis Zone Tours
Packages starting at $1399 per person

Want to get out and see some more of the world in 2031, but know there’s no way you’ll ever be able to afford international air travel again? Well, there’s still a lot of America to see and explore! It’s fair to say our great country has seen some challenging times over the last decade, including shifts in both our political and geographical landscapes, but as a nation we’ve stood up to and embraced the challenges—and what better way to celebrate this new era than going out and experiencing it yourself?

Want to take a low flying helicopter ride over the Texas Refinery District Toxic Exclusion Zone? Try urban scuba deep under what was once the Miami waterfront? Or maybe you want to take a leaf out of your favorite influencer’s book, and get your photo taken on the rim of the crater that was once the Space X test facility? The Unlimited Dream Company can make it happen, with its range of exclusive, customizable tourist trips. You’ll be given full safety training and orientation—including an entry level handgun course for trips in disputed states—and will be accompanied by medical staff*, Darklake certified security agents, and tour guides with unmatched local knowledge.

Prices are not cheap though, so this is definitely a gift idea for those of you firmly ranked as Solvent A-7 and above. Still, UDC also sells a full range of merchandise in its online store—from FEMA approved radiation-detecting temporary tattoos to "My sister visited the Baltimore Dirty Bomb Clean Up Zone and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" shirts. They make for perfect low cost stocking fillers.

*Medical expenses not included in package prices. Participants are expected to have their own health insurance.

Where’s Elon? - Mindfield Games Ltd
$8.99 in the App Store/Google Play

Where did he go? Did he really make it to Mars? Is he hiding out on the dark side of the Moon? Has he really accepted Chinese citizenship? Or is he just chilling in his luxury bunker in New Zealand? Nobody knows for sure, but with this new mobile game from superstar designers Mindfield you can help track down America's greatest traitor! Based on the classic children’s book, Where’s Elon? challenges you to spot the world’s greatest entrepreneur-turned-environmental-criminal across a dozen beautifully illustrated, scrolling crowd scenes. When you see him point him out quick—and be rewarded with the satisfaction of watching a beautifully rendered drone strike! Fun for the whole family.

The InfoWars Flat Earth Atlas
$25.99 from Amazon

Less an informative text and more an exquisite curio, the official InfoWars Flat Earth Atlas, 8th Edition is the perfect gift for that coffee table book enthusiast in your life. Learn about how everything you thought you knew about physics is a lie, and why nobody has ever been permitted to sail to The Edges, through a series of exquisitely painted and painstakingly annotated maps, charts, and illustrations. And with the addition, new to this edition, of QRcodes on every page that auto post content to Facebook with just a single scan, this is the perfect gift for that uncle that always sparks the most interesting family discussions. You might not be a believer, but can you ever really be sure? About anything? Take some time to shrug off the chains of reason and logic this holiday season and experience the buzz of free thinking—before they try and ration that too!

Marvel vs Star Wars VI – The Final Conflict
$39.99 from Amazon/Disney on uBlu-Ray, streaming available only in Tier 1 Certified Access Zones

If the thought of Tony Stark wearing C3-PO’s face as a temporary face mask or the sight of The Hulk behind the controls of the Millennium Falcon doesn't get you excited, can you really even call yourself a movie fan anymore? This holiday sees the release of the final installment of the saga to end all sagas! For real this time! Will our heroes get over their personal differences in time to band together to save the galaxy from the cross dimensional threat of the Thanos-Palpatine Axis? Will Thor, now struck down as a mere mortal, pass his Padawan training and become a Jedi master worthy of the memory of Baby Yoda, tragically slain in the last movie? All these questions will be answered, plus a bunch that never will, in what is definitely, completely certainly, the last chapter in the series.

Plus as a bonus feature for Blu-Ray owners, make use of the exclusive Auteur Algorithms mode. Disney made a machine learning AI watch hours and hours of movies by classic directors whose IP they own—Kubrick, Kurosawa, Scorsese, DuVernay, and Hitchcock to name just a few—so that it can re-edit and re-frame the movie in their unique personal styles, in realtime. With every watch it will look unique! The long-awaited future of cinema is finally here.

Balenciaga Bug Out Bag
$799, Nordstrom exclusive

If the last ten years have taught us anything, it’s that we all need to be ready to move out at just a minutes notice. We’ve all got—or should have—a bug out bag ready to go, and while being constantly prepared can cause considerable stress and anxiety, there’s no reason that you can’t look stylish! The Balenciaga Bug Out Bag might be expensive, but it’s guaranteed to make you stand out in any crowd, whether you’re trying to get out of the state or into one of the hastily designated public shelters. Packed full of goodies like San Pellegrino-branded water purification tablets and an exclusive Burberry designed insulation blanket, it’s got all the essentials you need to survive the next evacuation call while still looking tight. Got a keen teenage social justice warrior in the family? Then the special Pro Protest edition is perfect for them—with extras such as a Nike branded breathing mask (tear gas rated), an Anker mil-grade laser pointer, and a limited-edition facial recognition fooling make up kit from Sephora. Now you can send that adorable little protester out for the night knowing not only will they be safe but they’ll also be the envy of all their friends as they fight against the oil and tech companies, police brutality, the forced relocation of a local community, or whatever it is the kids get all worked up about these days.

FEMA gift vouchers
$5 - $200, from Amazon and fema.gov

Still don’t know what to get that friend or loved one that’s been relocated to one of the Federal Emergency Management Agency’s temporary residential camps? Then let them pick how they want to treat themselves with a FEMA gift voucher. Not only is it redeemable against certain product lines on Amazon, it can be used in-camp to make their stay a little easier by paying for extra food and water rations, extended shower times, and even little luxuries such as chocolate, fruit juice, and soap. Know somebody staying in one of the Amazon or Walmart co-administered camps? Then get them one of the new Duvet Day passes for just $75, that gets them out of all work camp duties for a full 24 hours!

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