US Government: Don't Roast Marshmallows Over Hawaii's Volcano, You Idiots

It looks like we have another Tide Pod situation on our hands.

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May 29 2018, 7:24pm

Hawaii's Kilauea volcano is spewing out deadly rivers of lava, toxic clouds of gas, and explosive blue flames from fissures in the ground, turning the East Coast of the Big Island into a complete hellscape. It's unclear why anyone in their right mind would want to get up close to take a look, but so-called "lava chasers" have been having a field day taking photos of the phenomenon. Now it seems some people are wondering how close they can get to create the perfect summer snack.

On Monday, one forward-thinking Twitter user actually asked the US Geological Survey—the government agency working to update residents on the volcano's activity and nearby evacuations—if it was safe to roast marshmallows over the volcanic vents spewing 2,000-degree lava, provided you had "a long enough stick."

The ask was presumably a joke—but if Tide Pods have taught us anything, all it takes is one authority figure saying "no" for a viral challenge to be born and for a bunch of people to wind up getting hurt. And now that the lava-roasted marshmallow seed has been planted, it seems to be inching dangerously close to becoming an actual thing.

You'd hope the threat of having your limbs wrecked by smoldering lava, ingesting toxic chemicals, and watching this happen to your marshmallow would be enough to keep people from actually making s'mores over an erupting volcano. But unfortunately, it looks like the USGS's warning came too late—a few culinary pioneers seem to have already done it.

We can't believe we have to say this, but: Please, for the love of God, don't try to roast marshmallows over an erupting volcano. It is dangerous, and if you somehow survive the attempt, your s'more will apparently taste like shit anyway. And, yes, the same goes for hotdogs, dummies.

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