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Fuck, the Fucking 'Bomb Cyclone' Is Back

The middle of the country is about to get rocked by some seriously bad weather.

by River Donaghey
Mar 13 2019, 6:30pm

Photo by Michael Brochstein/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

It may be March, but the immortal Weather Gods care not for the calendars of Man. Winter isn't over yet—and it looks like another goddamn "bomb cyclone" is on the way. The central US is about to get ravaged by the world's most badass-sounding severe weather pattern, the New York Times reports. Cower before the almighty strength of nature, puny mortals!

The storm will unleash blizzard conditions, flooding, and hurricane-level winds across the middle of the country this week. According to CNN, there are storm watches and warnings in effect over 1.5 million square miles of the US—from as far south as Texas all the way up to the Canadian border—with 70 million citizens at risk across Colorado, Wyoming, Nebraska, South Dakota, and beyond.

The last time a bomb cyclone hit the States back in 2018, conditions got so bad that alligators were literally freezing in the goddamn water, so get ready for some shit.

"This will be one of the strongest wind events in years for West Texas and Southeast New Mexico," the National Weather Service said Wednesday in an alert, opting for a more straightforward way of letting the country know that Enlil, the ancient Mesopotamian god of storm, has been angered and will now don his horned crown and smite us with his awesome power.

If you live in areas set to be hit with the bomb cyclone, hunker down, stay safe, and try to refrain from throwing boiling water into the air, no matter how deeply you think it will please the Snow Spirits. It is too late to appease them. All we can do now is suffer their great and mighty wrath and pray they are merciful.

Plus, it'll be summer soon, when we'll all be plagued by wildfires and droughts and roads so hot they melt into sinkholes that lead straight to hell, so at least we have that to look forward to. What a world!

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