Cleveland Browns Fans to Get Free Beer (If Team Ever Wins Again)

Ten Cleveland bars will have "victory fridges" full of free beer, unlocked by wifi when the Browns win their first regular season game. But then again, maybe this won't ever happen.
August 14, 2018, 2:35pm
Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

Oh, here's a fun one. Ten Cleveland bars have partnered up with Bud Light to celebrate the Browns—that is: if they ever win again. The disastrous team, which limped out to 0-16 "perfect" season last year, and is 1-31 in the Hue Jackson era, is now getting their redemption story started on HBO's Hard Knocks and apparently Bud Light wants to double down on it. Introducing the "victory fridge": when the team wins, a fridge full of beers will unlock via wifi, and fans can help themselves to free beer.

Again, that is: if they ever win.

This feels like it could be an act of some kind of cruel torture, which is further heightened by an actual chain being bound around the fridge:

The whole thing just feels like some kind of a doomsday device. A time capsule to be uncovered in 2337, when the Browns finally win their next game. Mind you, that it'll open only after their first regular season game win. So whatever kind of Stanford-Watered-Down-Beer-Prison Experiment they've cooked up is going to go down once (maybe). And I can't imagine Cleveland having free beer being withheld from them is going to result in playing nice.

Browns officials, who you might assume would want to avoid tempting fate like this, are on board:

"Obviously, we are nowhere near satisfied with our win totals in recent seasons, and our fans deserve much better," said Browns chief operating officer Dave Jenkins. "While some may characterize it as celebrating one victory, we view this as an opportunity to thank Browns fans for their unwavering support while also looking forward to our goal of rewarding Cleveland with a consistently winning football team."

For a fanbase so downtrodden that the home stadium is known as the "Factory of Sadness," one win = one free beer sounds just about right.

There's only one song that comes to mind about this whole thing:

Let's just hope they don't expire.