This Bread Has Nipples and It Makes Me Uncomfortable

2018 has been a really horny year. There was the horny Incredibles 2 review, the horny Beto tweet, a profile of Central Park's “Hot Duck” that the Cut called “majestically horny”—the Cut, of course, also had an entire “Horny Week”—and not to mention, the collective horniness inherent in calling a duck the “Hot Duck.”

So, sure, now there's horny bread, which, at this point, should come as no surprise. Described by India Today as “seemingly voluptuous,” the Boob Bread comes from a Tokyo-based bakery called Kuppel. Babka, potato loaves,

the open crumb of the breads at Tartine: all have been described as voluptuous. None, however, embody the term quite as literally as these round rolls.

Though the Boob Bread isn’t new for Kuppel, reports SoraNews24, it’s in the news now because of a new iteration. Kuppel owner Masanori Takahashi is now making strawberry boob bread as a collaboration with the anime and video game franchise Senran Kagura.

The art of Senran Kagura is so boob-focused, in fact, that after searching for it on Twitter, I feel as though I should thoroughly cleanse my work computer. In the past, the franchise has collaborated on boob ramen as a form of promotion, which, frankly, lends itself less well to cleavage shapes. (I'm squirming just writing this.)

The strawberry Boob Bread has pinker nipples than Kuppel's previous versions, which are darker in tone. SoraNews24 called the strawberries a “titillating new touch.” The bread's texture—because, again, this is food—is supposed to be “invitingly soft," and apparently, the light color of the bread’s "skin" is meant to emulate the pale complexion of the character Yumi, who is depicted with icy colors and, duh, huge boobs.

In all my visions of life as a food writer, I can’t say I ever imagined writing any of these phrases to describe bread—or ever having to describe the color of bread areolas, or writing the word horny this many times—but here we are. The internet ruins us all.