Can Vibrator Apps Actually Turn Your Phone Into a Sex Toy? An Investigation.

This year, my life, and probably everyone else’s too, has been tumultuously unravelled by the pandemic. The mandatory weekend rave has been replaced by binge-watching whatever trashy reality show Netflix is airing, snorting various substances has been taken over by sniffing the pungent smell of sanitiser, and a weekend visit to my parents’ home has become an excuse for them to get me to move back in. 

And while it’s great that living with my folks has given me the privilege of saving on rent and food monies, it’s also kinda cost me my sanity. My parents are pretty cool, except for the fact that they don’t want to acknowledge that I’m an independent, sexually active human being. Which also means I’m terrified of ordering sex toys online, because I have a feeling mom would borrow my “neck massager” to actually massage her neck.

Another downer that 2020 dealt me was turning my relationship status from almost-live-in to long-distance. This means I can’t quite enjoy those rare lockdown perks, like doing it round the clock, or bang in the middle of work hours.  So when I found myself flanked by conservative parents and shitty WiFi that made phone sex feel like walkie talkie sex, I decided to take matters into my own hands. And by that I don’t just mean masturbate. I also mean finding apps that will help me masturbate.

In 2020, everything from renting a holidate, to someone who will stand in line for your COVID-19 test (even though you really shouldn’t hire someone to do that) is just an app away. So it should come as no shock that we have vibrator apps which promise to turn your phone into an instant sex toy (#goodvibrationsonly). According to data by app analysis platform Apptopia, vibrator apps saw a 171 percent increase in the first five months of the pandemic, with more than 1.6 million people globally downloading these apps in July 2020. 

But just because something exists, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be questioning its existence. Was an app enough to make me orgasm? What part of the phone do I have to stick up my vagina? How would I change the pressure? 

Since I was anyway considering replacing my boyfriend’s dick with a battery operated device, I figured it may as well be something accessible to me at all times, should the need arise. So, I decided to try three different vibrator apps called Vibrator, Vibrator, and just for some diversity, iMassage U.

Before putting them to work, I learnt the golden rules of substituting a sex toy with your phone by scouring through reviews on the iOS App Store. I figured I would have to slap on a silicone case, stock up on a sex toy cleaning liquid (which until this point I thought was just soap), and use the phone over my vagina rather than inside it. I was also surprised to find out that even men can use these vibrator apps, though many recommend doing so with a bumpy phone cover to achieve stimulation. 

And thus, with all my newfound knowledge (shoutout to the user who imparted all her wisdom, before begging the app to take down her extremely informative review because she didn’t realise it would be publicly available), and pent-up horniness, I set out on a journey to reclaim the orgasm. Of course, I still had to figure whether I had to use the phone facing downwards or sideways. Ultimately, I went with the side that has speakers to maximise the good vibes. Is this how men feel when they’re trying to find the G-spot?

Once I had my vibrator app armour and know-how in place, it was time to go all the way in (metaphorically of course, since my precious iPhone 11 wasn’t going into my even more precious vag anytime soon). I decided to start with Vibrator, which I like to believe is the basic bitch of the vibrator app world. The app had settings to adjust the speed in a range from snail to rabbit. Of course, like all things you try to cheap out on, the free version only came with snail speed, along with three simple vibrating patterns called Breeze, Heartbeat and Impulse.

So, I decided to spend all my date night savings and splurge on the paid version, because in a way, that was also the closest I would come to seducing myself. The paid version, available at $6, came with modes named Rain, Waterfall and even Tsunami. Unfortunately, none of these water-related phenomena could get me wet, no matter how hard I tried. It felt somewhere between my phone going off on vibrate mode while it’s on my lap and the whirring waves you feel on a bus seat just as it goes into ignition. The Vibrator app was ultimately just like my ex: disappointing, not worth spending on, and unable to turn me on. 

I had my doubts about this one. I was legit confused whether this was just a normal body massaging app or one dedicated to being a substitute dildo. It also only allowed me to choose between the options  “on” and “off”, rather than offering me a variety of modes. But its premium version only cost about $2, so I decided to go ahead and try it anyway. However, all that did was take away those annoying ads that popped up like a pesky roommate. 

But, when I finally turned the vibrations on and began rubbing the side of my phone against my clitoris, I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised. This one had the strength of a gym bro on steroids, and the pulsating motions sent shockwaves through my ladybits. Did it make me orgasm? Nope. Did I thoroughly enjoy using it? That’s a hard yes. After all, most guys I’ve been with haven’t been able to make me come, so I guess I could forgive an app for having the same drawback. 

In a way, vibrator apps are like those restaurants or hotels that name themselves after the area they are located in. They lack originality in nomenclature, but can be quite a banger once you get inside. I chose this app over all the Vibrate and Vibrator X’s out there simply because it was the only one that dared to use an actual vibrator for its icon (as opposed to random “power on” buttons). I like honesty in all my relationships.

And this one did not disappoint. It had modes that went from Summer Rain to Crushing Storm, and the vibrations felt like buzzing electric wires entangled in my vag. It even had an option for sounds, which I first assumed would just be moaning noises. Except, the sounds included random settings like “Cozy Fireplace” or “Jungle Cruise”. The sounds worked in tandem with the vibrations, the intensity alternating with each decibel, making me feel like I was back in a noisy college dorm. I was out on the sounds, but the overall experience made me feel quite turned on.  

Sadly, while these apps sent tickles and tremors into my nether regions, none of them could make me come. Still, I appreciated that they allowed me to use my phone for some pleasure other than social media stalking. It was also a great way to pretend like I was just texting if a family member knocked midway through my self-care. Ultimately, the experience was intriguing even a tad bit exciting. Even so, I think I’ll just stick to my shower head moving forward.