Photos via Rightmove
What is living in London like? Hell. Here’s proof, beyond all doubt, that renting in London is a nightmare.
Where is it? So the coffee cup, on my desk, gets used and re-used over the course of the day: I’ll pour the first coffee between 8 and 9AM; the second, depending on my workload, around 10. My girlfriend is also drinking from the same pot, so I try to get in there before the entire coffee stock is depleted, because that bitch can chug. So this is my day, and was my day yesterday. Then I left the coffee cup on my desk because I went out and had wine and tapas and beer beneath the steaming hot sun and now my forehead is striped red and I threw up by the side of my bed.
What is there to do locally? This is, also, irrelevant.
Alright, how much are they asking? I suppose the thing is: I got up this morning, and looked at the coffee cup on my desk, and was repulsed by it. Why is this? It is an empty coffee cup, the same as it was at 10AM yesterday, when I was filling it with my second cup of juice. Functionally, the cup is the same. Dregs-wise, the cup has the same amount of nothing or almost nothing in it. But something tangible happened to it when left overnight: it was transformed from today’s coffee cup to yesterday’s coffee cup, and with that it took on an air of revulsion, to me.
Is there a point to this bit? Stick with it.
OK. I suppose the nearest analogue I can think of for this is toenails. Toenails, when they are on the end of your toes – when they are a live or semi-live extension of your body – are a fine enough, normal thing (if you’re a toe guy, please delete the email you are writing me about how toenails are not just “fine enough”, but are “actually deeply sensual”. I’ve tried for years to understand how someone can cum off a foot, and I am no closer to understanding. If you have figured it out, good for you, but there is no need for you to communicate with me). But something happens to a toenail in the snap-fraction of a second it takes for nail clippers to detach one perfect crescent from the end of them: the leftover nail, the clipping, becomes instantly vile. You see? You see this? There has been no significant change in form. But the status of the toenail has taken on a horror. It has become, instantly, not just garbage, but stomach-churning garbage.
It feels like maybe you’re just hungover from drinking too much wine then beer, (insane), in the hot, hot, hot hot heat of the gorgeous sun, and that you were struggling to think how to start this column because you haven’t written it for a month— Did you miss me
I am you: So no
— and you thought the coffee cup analogy thing, which frankly really took you far too long to get to, was— well, not an intro exactly, because the idea has no end to it, but it felt like something, didn’t it? It felt like 60 percent of a thought instead of 100 percent, and it was better that you write it down here than just let the coffee cup thing eat you alive from the inside: Because it would.
Because it would, exactly, and so: Nobody is talking about how long it takes for an empty coffee cup to become dirty!
This is by far the most insane intro you have ever written in your entire wretched career: £2,383………… a month!
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Can you swim in the sky pool? You? No, not really: the sky pool is only for residents of the Nine Elms development, and, crucially, only for some of them. Nine Elms is one of those “poor door” developments that unnecessarily inflicts a hierarchy on those living there, between “the people in the £1.5 million penthouses” and the “just having shared ownership of a £600,000 flat” scum. We could sit here and have a ranging three-pint conversation about what this says about London right now, about inequality in this country, about how the existence of a sky pool in a city overcome with child poverty and homelessness is essentially vulgar, and we can both really agree with each other and maybe we’ll go back to your flat and drink supermarket red out of an old Nutella glass while I look through all your books – but that’s probably a waste of time. All I would say about the sky pool is: once again, wealth is wasted on people who think Dubai “has a vibe”.
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