The Best Pool Floaties for Saying, 'This Is My Album'

Contrary to your Boomer dad’s wishes, we are not buying a house anytime soon—or maybe ever (sorry, Mark). Instead, we’ve decided to invest in an inflatable limo sturdy enough to carry six of our friends, their Miller High Lifes, and some light tax evasion. We have decided to go all-out on some pool floaties for summer that say, “I’m hot, I’m manscaped, and I’m ready to sink to the bottom of this pool like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate.” But before we drift over to the corner of the pool to see if we can find shapes in the clouds that look like Shrek, we’re giving you the scoop on which floats, fountains, and inflatable games are gonna crank your summer vibes up to 11.

It sounds silly, because it is, but all of this is why pool floaties are so important to our summer. They bring support and pizazz and personality! Not that we’re projecting, but it’s time to let someone (or something) else do the heavy lifting for a while. Give the people what they want this summer, be it at the beach, the lake, or the converted-NYC-dumpster-pool that will pop up on your Instagram feed in July. (Doesn’t Jordan look great, spinning out in an inflatable cat face by the recycling bin? Of course she does.) Smell the chlorine, and load up on pool floaties that will actually keep you dry, protected from the sun, and in a full-blown state of main-character delusion. Now is also the perfect time to buy funky inflatables—especially considering most of them are on sale in anticipation of July 4th.

Love that Y2K color palette. This feels like a chair from a dELiA*s catalog that dad wouldn’t buy for us, but guess who’s daddy now? “Big Joe Captain's Pool Float [is] covered in durable, UV-resistant SunMax fabric filled with Megahh Beans for all the buoyancy you’ll need.” MEGAHH BEANS. There’s even an anchor for when you want to stay put and hold court. 

Relive the summers of your youth by floating into the sunset on a Maxell “Max-Chill” cassette or that mix tape your friend made you in 10th grade.

Well, the avocado is actually 5’4”, but it rounds up to 5’5” when the moon is right above it, which is basically six feet. (At least, that’s what it puts in its Tinder bio.) Oh, and its pit is a literal beach ball. 

A tubular airhead for a tubular airhead. Everything about this floaty makes us feel like it was a contender to be a prop for Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome, attempting to chill out in the ocean ecosystem before spilling a brewskie in the reef. Bummer, dude.  

Did we take this from the Biltmore? The Hollywood Roosevelt? Maybe. Frontgate makes super thick bois for the pool out of two-inch, marine quality, closed-cell foam (we don’t know what that is either—sounds impressive, though) that can blissfully float 350 pounds.

You know what’s better than a pool floaty? A pool floaty with sex appeal. This one is made of a removable woven cotton-laminated PVC, so you won’t get sticky or sweaty on it while you drift. 

You know that wavy Ultrafragola mirror that costs $12K? Well, Funboy makes a pool floaty version (it also comes in mint and orange) for a smidge of the price, so you can flex your 80s Memphis Milano aesthetic by land or by sea.

Novelty floaties are cool, but you did not come here to play. If you’re hopping on a floaty, it’s going to be firm as hell, and it’s gonna keep you dry with super-firm material that’s 20% thicker than the others (just like you). This lounger has a retractable UPF 50 canopy, and looks like an Olympic Luge tube thing. We love you. We’re afraid of you. It will take a few more drinks at the pool party to work up the courage to flirt with at you. 

Maybe you saw the Niki de Saint Phalle exhibit at New York City’s MoMA PS1? It was pretty incredible and traced the entire arch of the late French artist’s work from her early days in the 1950s to the explosive playgrounds, jewelry, and sculptures she began in the 70s and 80s. “Saint Phalle also engaged with the politics of social space in her work,” explains MoMA, “addressing subjects that ranged from women’s rights to climate change and HIV/AIDS awareness.” Always engaging, never boring or pretentious, and willing to explore any and every medium—that was her game. This is a pool floaty, but it’s really a piece of cultural history. 

There’s something very gratifying about being able to deflate and store your beer pong “table” in a shoebox, because some of us don’t have room for a ping pong table (nor the mental bandwidth to get our dining room table covered in beer gunk).  

We also found this sick basketball version, which ups the stakes just that much more. (Don’t blame us if your friends start yelling “Kobe” before taking every shot.)

This looks like the pool floaty from Jean Cocteau’s home in the French Riviera, with those graphic, cut-out-style designs. The pinnacle of an Adult Floaty with a MoMA Membership™, right here. 

Head on over to the Isle of Crete and ward off evil spirits with this “spiritual” inflatable pool.

Always dreamed of having a checkerboard-bottom pool? You’re in luck.

You know Hausu (1977), even if you don’t think you do. The surreal Japanese horror movie’s evil cat is integral to the cult classic’s charm, and has been meme’d and gif’d into the collective cultural consciousness. Anyways. This is the kind of float that is just begging for drama.  

If you’re the resident pool party bartender, these floating bars and coolers are essential for sending your concoctions off to sea. 

Did someone say Tiki bar?

This floating drink-holder holds nine drinks and can go in the hot tub.

You thought Shotskis were only for winter? Guess again.

This is it. The floaty to end all floaties. How would you Thelma and Louise this baby—find a waterfall? Let us know how it goes. 

All you really need is a few friends, a body of water, and some ice-cold drinks.

Good for gut health. (As in, your gorgeous, floating gut.) Call dibs on this at the party, hide it in the host’s bed, then enjoy the last pool party you’ll ever be invited to.  

Now make like Enya, and sail away. 

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