This Advert For the ‘Young Banker Of the Year’ Award Really Looks Like a Dude Shitting On London

Do you have what it takes to be one of tomorrow's leaders in the UK banking industry? Do you like wearing waistcoats beneath suit jackets? Do you like to say the word "ha ha ha" instead of actually laughing? Do you know what a pound is? Do you know the value of a pound? How about a dollar? Do you describe units of money in terms of 'K'? A hundo K? Two hunny KK? Listen, bang me a couple of K and we'll call it job done. Are you quite posh? Do you have more than two middle names? Is one of them Humphrey or Hubert? Did you make every single one of your mates at university? Do you think rugby is good? Are you the guy who keeps paying for table service at Mahiki? Are you the sole reason Mahiki continues to exist? Do you call Mahiki a fun little nickname that only you use, like 'Mazzers' or 'Heeky'? Do you want to take a giant, literal, squatting shit all over London?

Have you ever snapped your fingers at a waiter? How about a bartender? Have you ever bought a house – in addition to your actual house – just as an 'investment'? Do you wear shirts at the weekend? You know you don't have to wear shirts at the weekend? There is a thing called T-shirts. Did you know this? I used to have a housemate like this: he wore a shirt, and khakis, at the weekend. Sat on the sofa in an outfit I would consider smart enough to wear to a wedding. He once asked me, in soft tones: 'Joel: where is a good place to buy a T-shirt?' He had lived 26 years on this human earth and did not know where to buy a T-shirt. Eventually he went to Zara and bought ten. He was not like you and he was not like me. He was rich in a way I will never understand. Are you like him? Do you know what a stock is? Do you seriously not know what a T-shirt is? Do you look like former Great British Bake Off winner John Whaite, if he was the size of a giant, two brogued feet the sized of buildings parted slightly, deep in a shitting squat? John Whaite, soft spoken baking boy, peeling a turd out on top of London? Is that you?

I am, of course, enraptured by this image of John Whaite off of Bake Off shitting on London in the name of yung banking. This is an advert, and possibly the worst one in recorded history. You can see it on the tube, in banker-heavy stations, where young men stride through carrying umbrellas, being the leaders of tomorrow. And nobody seems to have noticed it is an image of a man shitting. Like: this is actually an image of a young tieless banker popping a medically advised turd all over EC2. Like, scientists say: shit like this. They do studies. Pop that thing out, scientists say, the eastern way. In an ideal world, scientists would love to see us all shit like this. Engage the poop muscles, say scientists, with eerie intensity. Pop that sucker out. They want us to use ancient muscles designed for shitting to do shits with. They want us to have clean healthy bowels. They want us to shit glorious plops out like the Chartered Banker Young Banker of the Year 2016 might do. This man shits like a diagram.

I mean who approved this, this advert. Who looked at this and went: 'This… this looks okay. This doesn't make bankers look bad. A banker literally larger than London, hovering over it, above the scum, looking down above them, the peons, shitting on their heads. That's okay'. This went through drafts and redrafts. This still got printed up in glossy A1 and put behind a Perspex advertising tray on the London Underground. And yet nobody went: looks like homeboy's shartin'.

And I appreciate that, because it's 2016, and we no longer need subtlety. If there were any dregs of it left, this is the death knell. Subtlety is not a fine and precious resource, now. We live in a country where the government is essentially assembled from witches at the end of The Witches, all wigs and makeup put to one side, their gnarled feet poking out of their hoof-like shoes, and they are cackling; we live in a world where EDM is still considered a thing. In your face consistently beats out a lightness of touch. And here, look, as you switch from the Waterloo & City line, in the corner, an advert: a gigantic banker popping a poop pose all over London. RIP, subtlety. You had a good run.

@joelgolby

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