Food by VICE

Baby Food

Baby food is bullshit. Just mash some real food up and the baby will eat it.

by KOOL A.D.
Nov 5 2015, 2:30pm

The author and his baby, eating food

I don't fucks with "baby food." It's called bananas, avocados, yams, berries, peaches, rice and beans, etc. Just take some food, mash it up if you need to, and the baby will eat it. That's the real baby food. Who knows what kind of preservatives and stuff they put in those baby food cans and jars? Not me. They probably be adding all types of wild fructose corn syrups to those shits, and I'm not trying to whip out my glasses and read the fine print at the grocery store. I don't like food that has writing on it. The only packaging I like on my food is skin, mane. Organic.

Dog, apples just grow off trees, like straight from out the ground. What I need to buy applesauce for? Why did they have to complicate something as simple and perfect as the apple? Apples been wavy for a long time, man. That was the whole reason Adam and Eve got kicked out the garden in the first place. The apple was too nice; they loved that shit, couldn't stay away. Steve Jobs names his shit Apple and boom: $700 million company. Baby food... yeah right.

Actually Steve Jobs was a fruitarian for a while, meaning he only ate the reproductive organs of plants, like fruits and nuts, that could be removed from the plants without killing them. It's like super hardbody veganism where you're even concerned about the plant's feelings. Steve Jobs was a freak, but you gotta respect the dude. He really did his thing. I'm pretty sure the cancer was less about his diet and more about him being constantly surrounded by hella computers, hella radiations. Fool probably glowed in the dark. I bet the fruit diet thing kept him alive years longer than he was supposed to be to be quite frank with you.

The baby is Steved up, Jobsian in nature. Pre-agrarian, on the caveman diet, hunter-gatherer orientated, low carb, etc. I mean, the baby takes bites of meat here and there and messes with dairy here and there and she does eat bread and tortillas—we're not health Nazis—but on the whole it's a lot of fruits and veggies. Grapes go hard: bite-size, little to no mess to clean up. Actually, she was fucking with the whole berry fam heavy—black, blue, raz, straw—but those require a bit more careful curation and clean up.

The baby came out of its mom and is coming back to drink out of its old house.

But really it's hella titty milk still. They say you should breastfeed as long as possible because the baby needs those fats and it just can't get them anywhere else. Breast milk is like literally tailor-made for your baby. It's got all the thangs and particles and whatnot that help it grow.

Watching a baby drink milk from its mama's teat is a trip. It's like, damn, we really are just these weird meat machines. It's like gassing up the tank. The baby came out of its mom and is coming back to drink out of its old house. That's like walking out the front door of a house and drinking out the hose you water the lawn with. Surreal stuff, man.

You can and probably should breastfeed the baby for like two, maybe even three years. Some fools go as long as four years. Sounds crazy but hey, probably save a lot on food, tbh.

At around six months babies can start tasting solid food. At first you just want to give them some tastes here and there, get them accustomed to the idea. They might not even swallow it at first. They just need to sort of practice the technique and get familiar with the flavors. When they have the upper and lower teeth though, that's when they really go in and just start taking bites out of peaches and whatnot. Bread goes hard too. A baby will smash on some bread, fam. Watch, see if I'm wrong. Baby's like "Damn, what is this shit? Y'all crazy." Bread, man. Babies love the stuff. It's crazy to watch the kid pick up a piece of food with its hands and bite into it when like a few months prior it could barely move its body around. These things really develop fast. It's not a joke, human children.

Try to stay away from desserts and sodas, Cheetos, shit like that. That's all garbage. You should probably try to cut that out your own diet too, mane. Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell... that's all garbage and you should not feed it to yourself, let alone your children. If anybody ever told you otherwise they were full of shit.

Follow Kool A.D. on Twitter.