For once, reality TV star and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is quiet. Mouth closed, eyes shut, head resting on a pillow in an American flag pillowcase.
The flesh on his chest has already been conveniently removed, so I start going to work, hacking away at his ribcage with an axe and pulling out vital organs like I'm cleaning out my closet.
This isn't my sick fantasy, but the latest update to developer Bossa Studios' physics-based game Surgeon Simulator, which now allows players to perform open heart surgery on Trump.
If you've never played it before, Surgeon Simulator's premise is simple. You're a surgeon, and you must manipulate your hand and each finger individually to pick up scalpels, bone saws, and other tools of the trade to perform a variety of surgeries.
Manipulating the on-screen hand like this is incredibly difficult and chaotic, so a kidney transplant, for example, quickly turns into malpractice. I try to cut one of the tubes (this isn't an anatomically correct game and I'm not a doctor, in case that wasn't obvious) that keeps the liver attached, but I twist my wrist in the wrong direction and end up digging a circular saw into one of the patient's lungs.
The latest free update to Surgeon Simulator, titled "Inside Donald Trump," asks players to give the presidential nominee a heart transplant. This is one of the first surgeries in the normal Surgeon Simulator, but this version has a twist: Rather than giving Trump a regular new heart, players can choose between giving him a heart of gold or a heart of stone. Bossa Studios will keep track of what every player chooses and will post the results to its website.
Here's a video of me playing "Inside Donald Trump" very badly:Seeing as how knocking things around the operating room is a defining aspect of Surgeon Simulator, the update also adds new objects like Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka. Of course, the update also let me do the first thing I would do if I was in the same room with an unconscious Trump: tug on that perplexing hairdo and see how it's attached to his head.
Finally, since this surgery is supposedly taking place in America, players will now also receive a bill at the end of the surgery. Every instrument you use during the surgery will make the bill more expensive, and the price gets astronomical pretty quickly, just like it does in real life.