Young Lurch, Torontula, And Other Important Prospective NBA Rookie Nicknames

You know how when you know somebody, you'll call them something fun that's not technically their name, like "Honey" or "Babe" or "Snakepit" or "Feaster" or something? Well, something like that might end up happening to some of the young dudes who are making their NBA debut this year. We basketball insiders call them "rookies," and even we don't know a blessed thing about them yet.

But we do know that some of these guys are gonna get some nicknames, eventually. Some of them won't, and are just going to be called "Justise Winslow" or their corresponding actual name for the rest of their professional basketball careers. This is fine, mostly, because no one is going to come up with a better nickname than "Justise Winslow." Some of these guys are going to have awful nicknames that never stick, like "The Boston Wrangler," foisted upon them by their team's marketing department. The rest, the Actually Are Going To Have A Nickname contingent— those guys are up for grabs right now. We can nickname them anything we collectively choose.

So I propose we do this. Here are some proposals and predictions:

Frank "From Sales" Kaminsky

I am of the opinion that his college nickname—Frank "The Tank" Kaminsky— is just that: a college nickname. Calling a guy "The Tank" is what you do when somebody in your frat drinks even more beer than expected without any apparent difficulty. When people like that go out into the real world and get a real job, nobody calls them "The Tank" anymore. Those people are called "From Sales," as in "[The Person Formerly Known As 'The Tank'], you know, one of those baggy hungover bros From Sales." Kaminsky is the tall one.

Karl-Anthony "Cat Fart" Towns

What happened with this one is I couldn't think of anything, and then I asked my Dad.

Delon "The Torontula" Wright

There's no way this one sticks, but in an ideal universe there will eventually be a player drafted by the Toronto Raptors who ends up being called "The Torontula," so it's worth a shot. If, in the future, another more appropriate "Torontula" emerges, maybe Delon Wright could do a nickname-branding pivot to "The Delontula."

Willie "The Torontula" Cauley-Stein

Spitballing, here, but let's say athletic but offensively challenged rim-protecting center Willie Cauley-Stein got traded to the Raptors. He would be precisely the right kind of player to have this nickname. I realize I am way out on a limb and very ahead of reality on this whole "Torontula" thing, but you can never be too careful with things that are this important, and there's no rule set in stone that says a guy from Kansas who played college ball at Kentucky and is now with the Sacramento Kings can't arbitrarily be referred to as a "Torontula." That's just who he is and how he plays. If he didn't want to be nicknamed "Torontula," he shouldn't be playing so much like one.

Kelly "Pig Latin" Oubre

"Oubre" is Pig Latin for "Brew," which is okay. Really this nickname is just here because it's important to remind people that Pig Latin is the foundation for all Pig Romance Languages.

Sam "The Slam" Dekker

Sam Dekker will never be nicknamed this, so I think we should all go ahead and decide that Sam Dekker should be nicknamed this. Nicknames are fun, and can fly in the face of logic if we all agree to let them. We can even have multiples of "The Slam" if we want. Sam "The Slam" Dalembert probably wouldn't even mind.

Kristaps "Young Lurch" Porzingis

It is my mission in life to ensure that this emerges as the nickname of choice for the skinny Latvian Knicks rookie Kristaps Porzingis. There are several factors in its favor. One, he looks like a young version of Lurch, the Addams Family butler, which simultaneously enriches both Kristaps Porzingis and, retroactively, the Addams Family backstory. "Oh yes, our butler used to play for the Knicks when he was a seven-foot Latvian basketball prospect." It's not Addams Family canon, but it could be.

Another factor is that "lurch" is a good way to describe the way Porzingis moves on a basketball court. He sort of goes from stone still to "grabbing a rebound" or "jacking up a shot" with an intermediary step that can best be described as a "quick lurch." A youthful lurch if you will. Also "Young Lurch" sounds like a D-list rapper's name, which means that the Knicks could be listed as "The New York Knicks (feat. Young Lurch)" on scoreboards and marquees everywhere. Alternate spellings such as "YUNG LURCH" or the more knuckle tattoo-friendly "YUNG LRCH" are also encouraged.

I have no way of knowing which of these nicknames will stick; it's tough to predict nickname-related things, and I'm no great expert. The exception, here, is "Young Lurch." That one's sticking. I don't care how. I'll come to your house and convince you in person if I have to. Look in my eyes. I am not joking with you about this.