About 3 years ago, after escaping a truly bleak desk jockey career, I found myself climbing into the back of an unmarked white van. OK, let me back up because that sounds weird: It was for money. Wait, OK that also sounded bad. I'm going to just start over. For the past few years I have worked on and off for a touring punk band called Screaming Females, and, yes, in case you are wondering, my parents are terrified by the name and disgraced by my choices.
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They don't believe me that the roadie gig, while fun, is actually pretty dull and straight-forward: You sell T-shirts, help load in/out, occasionally handle money, and do your best to help everyone from slowly losing their mind/temper. Traveling with a punk band is basically the modern day version of joining the circus, and I would recommend it to anybody. Still, if you're are interested in trying it out yourself, there are some glaringly obvious considerations to take before you even hop in the van.First, ideally you really should like the band, and not just as people—as musicians. It's not 100 percent necessary, but it's worth pointing out that you are going to be hearing this music full blast every night for the next two to six weeks, so it can't hurt. Second, try not to get involved in bad business: If your musically inclined pals are willing to take you along, do the boring adult thing and sit down to make sure it's not a lose-lose situation financially, or you'll risk burning a bridge. If it's a lose-lose situation and everyone is cool with it, groovy, let's party, but you just want to get the awkward money stuff out of the way. Because once you've gotten into that van; for better or worse, you're in it.Which brings us to the point of me handing out some advice. While I am not the most road-hardened in the world, I have picked up a few tips on the open highway. And I am here to tell you the real danger there lies in the banal: weeks of eating, sitting, staring, talking and worst of all, not talking. Buckle up, it's going to be a wild ride.
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Stretch, You Idiots
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Shit Is Going to Get Weird, and Not Always in a Fun Way
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