This article originally appeared on VICE Canada.
Receiving an invitation to a wedding in the mail can lead to many internal questions: Hmm, how long is that going to last? Why am I still alone, and will I be this way forever? And, most importantly, will there be an open bar?
Once you’ve mentally answered those to the best of your abilities and anguished over how much you’re going to have to spend on a gift, it’s time to think about who you’re going to see there.
The groomsman who always wants to do shots
Why does this person almost always insist on liquor that is an acquired taste, whether it’s Jager, Fireball, or hickory smoke-flavored whiskey?
Some guy from the bride’s father’s work
Richard seems like an excellent air conditioning repairman. In fact, he tells you as much. He really knows a lot about air conditioning and you are really nodding a lot as he explains the difference between a Kelvinator and a Goodman whole house air conditioning unit. It’s fair, everyone enjoys talking about their work, but did they really think one bottle of red and one bottle of white was going to get this table through dinner? Also, why did you end up at the table with the guy from the bride’s father’s work? Is this the grownups table? Do you bore people when you talk about your job? Is this the ‘let’s put some nice but dull people all at the same table and see what happens’ table? When can you actually go to a wedding and not start questioning everything about your life?
The new partner
This person has no fucking idea what they’ve gotten themselves into.
The horny (and newly single) aunt of the bride
Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it.
The wedding crasher, urban edition
You’re not Owen Wilson, buddy.
The wedding crasher, rural edition
Stan was already at the Legion, since it’s the only place in 20 miles you can get a damn drink, and he might as well join the party because he knows somebody’s granddaddy and I think he was in one of the wars?
The coworker who seems weirdly resentful about being there
Inviting your nemesis to watch you get married is some next-level petty shit.
The guy everyone thinks might object to the wedding because he’s in love with one of them
Do not sit next to this person.
The uncle who won’t stop commenting on people’s appearances in the worst, most misogynistic way
They’re not jugs or cans or gams or whatever. Please stop winking at me.
The hometown friend who speaks in an unnecessary in-joke code language that nobody cares to understand
At least she’s having fun?
The bridesmaids that insist on doing a speech in rhyming couplets
We see what you are doing there, and we don’t really care about Jane’s childhood. It’s not that good.
The new mom who is definitely not tired and already paid for babysitting until late but will inevitably fall asleep just after dinner
You tried, local hero!
The couple who won’t shut up about their own upcoming wedding
Way to steal the spotlight!
A child who’s had one too many Shirley Temples
Their parents are drunk at the reception, and they’ve used this rare opportunity to load up on sugar—pure icing from the wedding cake, soda, and those little almond candy party favors. They’ve spent the entire evening running around and hiding under tables, dancing erratically with their makeshift child gang, and having a way better time than you ever possibly could despite your blood alcohol level.
Your little cousin who is a freshman in college and just discovered Jordan Peterson
He really wants to talk to you about the gender pay gap.
The dad over-crying during every speech
Honestly, they weren’t even that good. But glad you’re in your feelings, Rick.
That one person who keeps asking if you want to go to their car to hit a bong
We get it: You like weed!
Dancing uncle doing too much
The uncle in his late 50s is heading toward a broken hip like he’s in his early 20s once Earth Wind & Fire comes on.
That guy wearing suspenders and an artisanal straw hat
He recently started a kombucha company and is passionate about sustainable farming. His gift to the bride and groom was a wooden chest bearing their initials that he made himself.
Your cousin who recently discovered cocaine
We see that you keep getting up to go to the bathroom, Cassie!
That person who definitely thinks they’re related to you. But they’re not.
At least that is what you have convinced yourself because they are hot and you think you have a shot. This isn’t Iceland, there’s isn’t an app for telling you if you are about to bang your second cousin.
He keeps giving out his business cards (with his headshot on them) and talking about his app idea. He is hanging out with Cassie, but you’re pretty sure they didn’t come to the wedding together.
That guy from high school who never left your hometown
You fell out of touch with him years ago. He tells you about how “sick” the local Boston Pizza gets on Saturday nights.
Just keep your distance, you’ll do fine.
Your ex’s new partner
They seem lovely, goddammit.
The increasingly drunk aunt who keeps requesting “Uptown Funk”
The guy at the single table who really wants to get laid but has no game
He has made small talk with every single woman at this wedding and every single one of them has suddenly had the urge to be excused to go to the bathroom and they’ll be right back.
The extremely good wedding DJ
Actually known as someone who plays hip-hop.
The extremely terrible wedding DJ
Veto lists exist for a reason, dummies.
Your drunk mom
You’ve never seen her act like this before. She’s hanging off your dad and grinding with him on the dancefloor, slurring her speech, and telling you and your sibling about wild things she did during her “party girl” phase in the 80s. It’s pretty terrifying, and the scariest part of it all is that she kind of reminds you of yourself when you’re drunk. You may consider the path of sobriety by the end of this night.
The woman wearing the same outfit as you
God fucking damn it. First prom, and now this? When will the curse be lifted?
A cool, well-dressed baby
His outfit costs more than yours did, he looks better, and he has every bridesmaid fawning over him all night. ‘The guy at the single table who really wants to get laid but has no game’ is really jealous of this fucking ten-month-old.
The elderly woman who keeps demanding the newlyweds' kiss
Put the knife and glass down, and nobody gets hurt.
The really aggressive, problematic dude
He nearly ruins the entire evening by getting into a physical fight with the bride’s brother after a disagreement about American politics during a smoke break. It takes the groom, the father of the bride, and a random biker-looking dude in a suit to pull them apart. Meanwhile, the bride retreats to the bathroom after witnessing the whole scene, inconsolably bawling her eyes out about how they’ve sullied the “most important day” of her life.
The wedding photographer
This person is putting on a brave face but has secretly been broken down inside by seeing many newlyweds they've photographed who've gotten divorced soon after. They're really into watermarking their images with large cursive typeface and dreamed of a career in fine arts, but at least this pays the bills and if they are being honest with themselves, it helps them get laid.
A previously ex-communicated family member who for some reason was invited
This has the potential to get extremely awkward, especially if they try to latch onto you.
Someone’s “cool” dad
You end up hanging out with him most of the night. He acts as an emotional support companion (with good weed) who helps you cope with being around embarrassing and drunken family members.
That friend of a friend you had a one-night stand with
Bet you didn’t think that would come back to haunt you! Bonus points if he is married now and you get to endure an introduction with his newly pregnant wife.
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