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When You’re Black, Your Move-in Could Be Reported as a Break-in

If this sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is. So here are 10 tips for living while black.
Funny or Die, Cop v. Black Guy | Screenshot via Youtube.

Early this week, Darren Martin was doing something totally normal that people do without thinking every single day—he was moving into a new apartment. What happened next to him probably seems outlandish to most people. Six police officers showed up to investigate him. Apparently one of his neighbours in Manhattan’s Upper West Side had called 911 and reported his move-in as a burglary in progress. This person told the dispatcher that “somebody was trying to break in the door” with a “possible weapon” or “a large tool.” (Was it a massive novelty-sized key?)

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If all this sounds ridiculous, it’s because it is. Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens so regularly that it’s basically white noise (haha, bad pun). A large part of being black that other people have so much difficulty grasping is how quickly and easily the fear of blackness can transform the most banal everyday activities and objects into justification for your harassment, arrest or death.

Martin—a social justice do-gooder who worked for the Obama White House, was just trying to move into his apartment. But thanks to the funhouse mirror of anti-blackness he got treated like a Wakandan cat burglar trying to knock down a door with his spear (or something like that). For myself, a social justice do-gooder guy who worked for the Obama campaign in ‘08, spent five years living a few blocks away from where Darren Martin had the cops called on him, and who opens the door to my apartment daily—sometimes as many as two or three times a day!—this hit close to home for me.

So, I thought to myself… why not offer some helpful hints for other black folks hoping to not get harassed, have the cops called on them or be murdered? Now that would be a public service!

So, here we go! Ten simple things to avoid doing if you're black:

1) Don't move into your new apartment.
We just learned this one! But it’s a rookie mistake, really. But did you know about this next, more advanced tip? 2) Don't enter a house you own.
Even the most seasoned black people can mess this one up. Even Professor Henry Louis Gates—who is so seasoned and black he’s basically a smoked southern brisket in a bowtie—got caught slipping here. But everyone knows you can’t scare your neighbours if they never see you. Now you might look at this, throw up your hands, and wonder how you're supposed to be safe in your home. Well you'd better figure it out, because the next thing on the list is non-negotiable.

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3) Don't be homeless.
Brendon Glenn was homeless when he was shot by LAPD officer Clifford Proctor in 2016. And considering the fact that research shows racialized people are disproportionately more likely to experience homelessness, this is really important to keep in mind.

4) Don’t have mental health issues.
Whether the example is Pierre Coriolan in Montréal or Andrew Loku in Toronto, this is pretty cut and dried. As someone living with anxiety and depression, I’m still trying to figure out how to make this one work. Maybe we can crowdsource tips at the next Black People’s Assembly?

5) Don’t sit in a multi-national coffee shop. I don’t know why I’m reminding you about this—don’t you watch the news? Plus who wants to pay $6 for an iced tea? That is not one, not two, but three bottles of Ting from the Chinese-Jamaican corner store. Use your head, people. And while we’re on snacking…

6) Don’t eat or drink in public.
This week Emile Wickham made the news for winning an anti-discrimination lawsuit against a Toronto restaurant that asked him and his friends to pay for dinner up-front. Feeling suspicious about the situation (always trust your Spidey sense), they asked other non-Black patrons and found out they were the only ones who had to pay before being served. But this isn't new. From the days of the The Negro Motorist Green Book to Christopher Beatty and iced tea to Trayvon Martin and Skittles to Chikesia Clemons at a Waffle House, the verdict is clear. Black people need to stop eating and drinking out in the world. Don’t y’all know that white people eat and drink in public, too? You eating a patty and coco bread on the corner is reverse racist appropriation of white public spaces. Stop it.

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7) Don’t drive.
This is another total no-brainer. Jordan Davis got shot to death in his car at the gas station. Jessie Thornton got arrested for driving because he had red eyes from swimming in a chlorinated pool. Even well-known broadcasters like Marci Ien get pulled over for driving while black. The obvious solution—don’t drive. Ever. Don’t even *look* at cars. While we’re at it…

8) Don’t bike (Dante Parker). Or walk through alleys (Rekia Boyd). Or walk down stairs (Akai Gurley).
Y’know what? Just don’t walk (Bobby Wingate). Also, don’t take the subway (Oscar Grant). Or take the streetcar (this means you, 15 year olds in Toronto). Or take the school bus (Raliek Redd, Deaquon Carelock, Wan'Tauhjs Weathers). And while I’m talking to the kids…

9) Don’t go to school.
Especially not if your immigration status is in question, as you might get deported. Also, if you’re a 6 year old in Mississauga you might get handcuffed. And if you’re a teenaged girl you might get body-slammed by a full-grown man. Also kids, if you want to avoid the whole being body-slammed thing, best to avoid pool parties too. Ask Dajerria Becton.

10) Don’t. Hold. Anything.
Seriously? Anything?! Eh-nee-thing. So if all these rules are giving you a headache, don’t reach into your pocket for a painkiller (Rumain Brisbon). Or cigarettes (Eric Garner). If you’re in your own backyard—C’mon, what’re you doing? We talked about this in number 1 and 2!±—don’t hold a phone (Stephon Clark). Or an iPod (Reginald Wallace). Or keys (Joseph Fennell)—didn’t we *just* talk about opening doors to houses and cars? Well there you have it! But remember that this list is not exhaustive. In fact, I’ve left out a lot of gems that might be helpful to more advanced readers. But it should help some of you beginners navigate the ubiquitous sinkholes of anti-Black fear and suspicion that could turn into mortal danger at a moment’s notice. And if you happen to be a white person reading this thinking about how incredibly exhausting and traumatic it must be to have to live with this every day… Yeah. It is.

Jared A. Walker is a writer and communications consultant. He was communications director for Jagmeet Singh's leadership campaign and speechwriter for the NDP. Follow Jared A. Walker on Twitter.