21-Year-Olds Across Asia Tell Us About the Worst Mental Health Advice They Ever Got

I’ll never forget that one time when I was 21 and on the verge of an anxiety attack. Each breath felt weighted with the very thought I was trying to forget, replaying in my head over and over like a broken record. I felt like shit. 

Then, a person close to me told me I should “just meditate and forget about it.” The anxiety passed, but the extremely unhelpful and unsolicited advice stayed on.

When it comes to managing our mental health, it’s not uncommon for friends and family to chime in with what they believe are wise words. Except, more often than not, their well-meaning advice can come across as not just dismissive, but can also make someone feel even more alone and fragile – like no one understands them. This can even become dangerous when the advice pushes people to shut themselves in instead of trying to seek help. 

Therapists and psychiatrists have emphasised time and again that unless you’re professionally qualified to do so, please don’t give people mental health advice. But given that in Asia, we are still exploring and unravelling the stigma around mental health conversations, educating our parents or peers on what NOT to say can be a tedious task, even in 2021. 

So, we decided to ask 21-year-olds across Asia about the worst mental health advice they ever got, and the consequences it created. It’ll remind you to think twice the next time you feel like saying something you’re not sure will help or hurt.

The worst advice I’ve ever gotten is to just “get over it” because apparently it really isn’t a big deal and I am just overreacting because I am “too young” to have anything to worry about. My first reaction was probably to doubt my own views and whether they were really right about me not having anything to worry about. But I also felt invalidated, and it created a lot of self-doubt. I questioned myself about being too sensitive and felt guilty about others having it worse than me. It was only after I spoke to others going through similar emotions that I realised I am entitled to feel what I feel and work through my issues on my own.

The worst mental advice someone older gave me is to “pray and don’t think about what's going on in your mind.” I reacted to this by saying that though I’m a believer, sometimes praying and unthinking cannot solve the war which goes on in my mind. But I have heard the same advice again and again in our society whenever I’ve had a breakdown. It makes me feel disgusted, like no one even tries to understand what I go through. I respond to them with a thanks because what else can I even say to people who aren’t willing to understand.  

Instead of giving bad mental health advice, it’s better if people just advise others to consider therapy. 

I’ve always had social anxiety and wouldn’t be comfortable with picking up calls from strangers. An adult told me that it’s because I don’t like engaging with people, that I should stop being so introverted and be welcoming with people. 

I was shocked that they would think that way. It showed that being an introvert or being socially anxious seemed like a character flaw or an inconvenience for them. They didn’t understand that I was not yet ready to step out of my comfort zone. I’m someone who is vocal about my mental health. So it didn’t affect me deeply since I knew I was taking small steps to overcome my anxiety, but someone who does not know this would be deeply traumatised by such insensitive comments. 

I sat them down and explained what social anxiety is and also explained how introverts and extroverts react differently to different situations. Though they might have meant well,  they chose the wrong words.

I hit possibly one of the lowest points of my life when I was told that I would not receive my high school diploma. I dreamt of becoming a pilot and studying abroad, and thought that getting good grades was the only way to succeed in life. I felt like I had failed myself as well as my parents, having grown up in a house where I felt like my responsibility as a son was to work hard and pass school. One of the worst pieces of advice I heard during that time that really stuck with me was: “This just proves that this was not meant for you, just get over it.” 

This took me by surprise, and I guess it triggered something in me that allowed me to just accept what they said. I was absolutely devastated, and I even started to reconsider if being a pilot was really my dream. Since I accepted that advice wholeheartedly, I gave up on my dream and stopped sending applications to the schools I dreamt of going to. I started to look for other courses and started to think that aviation was just wishful thinking. This went on for a few months, which meant that my deadline to pursue aviation was coming closer each day I decided to neglect it. 

I wasted a lot of time sulking instead of moving on and picking myself back up. Fortunately, I finally found the courage to talk to my parents when it started to truly affect the way I thought about myself. Eventually, with the right amount of motivation from my brothers and parents, I was able to get out of the mindset that “I was not enough” and that “aviation was nothing but a mere daydream.” I started to embrace the fact that not everything is going to go smoothly in life and that what truly matters is what you do about your current situation.

I’ve been in situations that make me feel panicky and anxious to the point where I get panic attacks. I don’t remember the exact words, but the advice was basically along the lines of  “face your fears and it'll fade on its own.” I shrugged it off because I didn't feel like arguing at that time. Maybe they do have good intentions, or genuinely want to comfort and help us, but they just don’t understand it enough to say the “right things.” It's unfortunate because the lack of understanding leads to it being taken lightly, even though a lot of people have lost their lives to poor mental health. Not giving out advice to those not asking for it should be an unwritten rule.

Jilai Salas, Philippines

I was shut down immediately when I opened up to a relative about my OCD. I felt that my feelings were all invalid and that I don’t have any reason to go to therapy because I wasn’t depressed, I “only” have OCD. They said things like, “Other people have it much worse than you do. You have a house, you have food to eat. Why can’t you just be thankful?” 

I felt so alone and I came to a realisation that I shouldn’t bother telling people about my illness because no one will understand how I feel. I explained to her that I am thankful for my life but I believe going to therapy is the best thing I could do for now. I focused on my healing. and she herself then witnessed how much I grew with the help of therapy.”

When I was going through something really rough at work, I consulted a male friend of mine who asked me if I was okay, and offered to listen to me. Then, after I’d bared my heart, he asked me out on a date. It took me a lot of courage to be honest and tell him what was going on in my life. For him to use my emotional vulnerability to ask me out on a date was like him ignoring my emotions and my very existence. Of course I said no to the date, but I also became afraid to tell others what was going on with me emotionally.

In Indian households, mental health is a subject which is largely ignored. Even if you tell someone older about not feeling well, they will try to convince you that it's just a phase and tell you things like “life goes on.” Out here, we don’t have the adequate mental health infrastructure nor can someone from the middle class access professional advice. But it becomes difficult to call people out for bad advice because they are not the problem; they simply don’t know better. 

When I was younger, I used to self-mutilate. When someone close to me saw my scars, they asked me why I needed the attention. I didn't know what depression or even struggling with mental illness was. I was just sad and unable to cope. But I was told to get over it, and how, when those negative feelings arose, they should be stored somewhere. I actually listened to them. And so, to this day, I struggle with actually opening up about how I feel. Keeping it in only made me deteriorate mentally. 

I think people aren't equipped to give mental health advice unless they're professionals. The most you can do as a friend, a family member or a partner is to be there for them and support them.

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