Pizzeria-Robbing Creepy Clowns Are Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Somewhere in the outskirts of Berlin, a cabal of clowns are maliciously spending some poor pizzeria’s hard earned money on copious amounts of seltzer and makeup sponges.
Aside from one of the most contentious and mind-numbingly baffling election cycles in recent memory, 2016 could very well go down in the annals of history as the year in which the scourge of malevolence that are creepy clowns finally went one step too far and a coalition of good was formed to halt their reign of skulduggery.
Sure, most of civil society already agrees that the sudden surge of cryptic clown incidents is puzzling at the least—and disturbingly ominous at the most. The New York Times even dubbed the phenomenon "The Great Clown Scare of 2016." But there has yet to be an incident so abominable that it rouses mankind to act.
Until now, that is.
And all we are left solemnly thinking, as we hold our loved ones tight, is the following: This is why we can't have nice things.
Brace yourselves as we tell you about the bone-chilling crime against humanity that occurred this past Sunday: A group of three men, two of whom were sporting clown masks, did the unthinkable and robbed an unsuspecting pizzeria in Germany.
The horrific event went down in Potsdam, when—according to a police report—the clown-clad men threatened employees with "objects which looked like firearms." One employee was tasered as a clown hit the register and stole the pizzeria's cash. The clowns got away before the police arrived on the scene.
For God's sake, won't somebody, anybody, think of the pizza?
The clown incident in Germany is not an isolated one: Scary clown sighting and menacing acts are spreading across Europe after first appearing stateside. Last Friday, a clown-masked man wielding a gun and a knife threatened two young men in a train station in western Germany. In Sweden, a teenager was hurt by a knife-bearing clown, and another man was assaulted by three people dressed as clowns.
The whole thing has been enough to make even Ronald McDonald lay low. The burger chain issued a statement last week saying it would temporarily retire its mascot due to the "current climate around clown sightings in communities."
No more Ronald McDonald! Is nothing sacred anymore? Will these ungodly acts of treachery eventually lead to a global campaign of retribution against all of clownkind?
It's hard to say for sure, but one thing is certain: Somewhere in the outskirts of Berlin, a cabal of clowns are maliciously spending some poor pizzeria's hard earned money on copious amounts of seltzer and makeup sponges.
Can you imagine anything worse?