This week's hottest party was hosted by every teen's second favorite social media platform on which to share nudes (after Snapchat, of course)—Tumblr! The soiree was catered by Shake Shack aka "The East Coast's In-N-Out." Rebloggers from across the country were invited to this gathering to snag iPhone photos of some twee–looking silver balloons and a few C-list socialites holding fast food up to their mouths.
The night was a shimmering pastel–toned, grease–soaked blur. I even wore one of those plastic chokers you used to get from vending machines in the 90s!
Before Tumblr and Shake Shack decided they wanted their names attached to the party, it was just going to be called "Hot Girls Pretend to Eat Burgers 2015"—and that is exactly what happened. From a guest list of 1,500 people, there were about six sincere attendees. The rest of the venue was jam–packed with hot girls who were paid hundreds of dollars to pretend to eat burgers. A record 400 whole burgers covered in hot girl spit were thrown away at the end of the night.
They also hired hot guys to pretend to eat french fries at the party. Eventually, of course, the men became upset that the women got to "eat" the main course, while the men were stuck "eating" sides. "We will not stand by and be your side bitches," the men announced loudly as they shoved some leftover french fries in their pockets and collectively stormed out. According to my sources, they later went on to write angry thinkpieces about the party on their personal non-Tumblr blogs.
After the men made their exit, a few hot girls pretended to eat french fries as a display of sympathy.
This guy is one of Tumblr's most popular users. His page consists of hundreds of reblogged photos per day, and each photo he reblogs gets at least 20,000 more reblogs from arty teen girls across the world. His most popular post is a photo he posted last week of a hot, but troublingly young–seeming girl with pastel pink hair. In the photo she's wearing a translucent white chiffon dress, blowing bubbles next to a baby deer under a light pink sunset in a field of daisies.
He stood next to these silver balloons for the duration of the party. When I asked him why he was just standing there, he said, "They told me that if I'm the last one left standing next to this Jeff Koons piece at the end of the party, I get to take it home." He added, "You know, I was the first person on Tumblr to reblog a photo of Jeff Koon's work. I am the reason he's famous."
He later physically assaulted this woman, his biological sister, because "she standing too close to the Jeff Koons piece."
I was told that the man with the mustache and glasses in this photo (right) snuck in from the street. I later learned that he told the doorman he was the artist who made the silver balloons; the doorman assumed he must be Jeff Koons and opened the doors to him. The mustached man then went around the party showing everyone photos of his dog, an overweight corgi named Marge, on his phone. He seemed to have no sense of social cues, as he spent a full hour showing photos of Marge to this server while he held an extremely heavy platter of burgers.
The woman on the left also wandered in off the street. She revealed that she was a friend of the mustached guy who snuck in under the guise of being Jeff Koons. When she found out that he was showing various Tumblr stars pictures of his dog, she became jealous of the audience he had acquired. She decided to one-up him by bringing an actual dog to the party, she drunkenly told me. "I just told the doorman I was Klaus Biesenbach, art director for the Met... or the Guggenheim... Actually both," she said. And after a long, drawn out argument about whether or not Klaus is a woman's name, she was finally allowed in.