Vinnie Jones Reportedly Set To Play Nigel Pearson in Jamie Vardy Film

A moody young actor – Robert Pattinson, let's say – sits in the corner of the Leicester dressing room. It is half time of their home defeat to West Ham, deep into the 2014/15 season, and the Foxes trail to an early goal from Andy Carroll. As Pattinson sits there, pouting, dressed in full Leicester kit, Vinnie Jones suddenly looms into shot and brings his face uncomfortably close to the former Twilight star's ear. "You better buck your act up, lad," he whispers, his terrible attempt at a Nottinghamshire accent somehow making the scene all the more terrifying.

Jones' jaw bulges. Spittle flies through the air. His leering eyes bore into the side of Pattinson's face. He motions as if to headbutt Pattinson, but stops himself at the last second. He laughs, a low, mirthless laugh. Then, head cocked to one side, Jones slowly withdraws.

Pattinson is left alone with his thoughts. The discordant plonking of an untuned piano rises to an unbearable crescendo. The audience is left stunned. This is the start of the Jamie Vardy film – and it's already the most gripping thing Hollywood has ever produced.

Think this is fan fiction born of a deranged mind? Think again. According to reports, an official Jamie Vardy film is well underway at this point. Not only has Robert Pattinson been mentioned as a potential lead, Vinnie Jones is apparently set to play Nigel Pearson in the rags-to-riches biopic. Imagine Vinnie, his greying crew cut jutting toward the sky, evoking the unflinching masculinity of Nigel Pearson on the big screen. Imagine him snarling his way through the 10-minute ostrich soliloquy, choke slamming Gerard Butler – playing James McArthur, obviously – on the Leicester touchline. It's going to be moving, petrifying, critically acclaimed and altogether fucking glorious.

Forget the fact that Robert Pattinson might have to travel to the home ground of Stocksbridge Park Steels – Bracken Moor – and pretend to be a non-league footballer. Forget the fact that the producers are going to have serious difficulties getting around what we shall henceforth dub "The Casino Scene", in which Pattinson is going to have to racially abuse a bemused Japanese extra. Forget the fact that Ian Holm will probably get roped into playing Claudio Ranieri, cracking syntactically nonsensical jokes and doing a borderline insensitive impersonation of his Italian accent for several hours of run time.

If there's one good reason to watch the Jamie Vardy film, it's to experience Vinnie Jones' portrayal of perhaps the most morbidly intimidating man of all time. We will bear witness to his star turn as Nigel Pearson and, through the sheer conviction of his performance, Vinnie will make ostriches of us all.